A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi i feel so shit today and i dont know why i let this man control how i feel. i split up with my ex boyfriend nearly a year ago now after a really awful 3 years of mental cruelty and name calling making me feel like crap basically. Him going out with friends never inviting me, never telling anyone he had a girlfriend so i was back at home while he did what he wanted in another town where he lives, it was only half hour away. We split up various times then after bout 6 weeks he would come crawling back saying im sorry i miss you, ive never felt like this before, no one compares to you. You know the real me etc!! and i stupidly took him back because he knew i was besotted with him. i did everything, cooked his tea, ran his bath, breakfast in bed he didnt even pleasure me in bed, just thought of himself, it was always over in 30 seconds it was crap... but i loved him but i would never say that cos i didnt want to hurt his feelings. he is such a charmer, before i met him he had slept with 80 woman! and on our breaks another 13 women in between while i was upset he was out sleeping around knowing he could come back at any time, bascially a few i love you's and i was back with him and the moment he was back in he backed of with all his broken promises etc.! but for some reason i couldnt let him go, i just wanted him and tried everything to try and make him mine but it wasnt good enough. he would say to me that he knew exactly how and what to say to woman to pull them but wasnt like that with me !! and i stupidly believed it. I wasnt even saved on his phone as my name just the letter x and yet again i believed his excuses cos i was totally in love with him . There were a few nice times but loads of bad. it took me lots to get over him i went to counselling cos he really fucked my head up!! anyway i havent had any contact with him for 8 months, i blocked him in every way. i had another short relationship but it didnt work out plus i just didnt fancy him like i did the other. my dad works with this horrible charmer of a ex and only told me that when we had split up one time, but we were still seeing each other in secret which wasnt what i wanted at all! he went golfing with him and a few other work collegues they went to the pub after and he was eyeing up all the girls and trying to sit and chat with this bunch of girls! My problem is i hear he has a girlfriend and my dad says he sits at work saying all woman need loving. and he can get any girl he wants!! so hes doing exactly the same to that girl. i havent thought about him at all much and thought i was over it but now im single again i find myself thinking about him and hoping im going to meet someone who i loved like him!! its like im jealous that someone has him and that maybe she is better than me! Why do i think like this when he was horrible to me? i just cant get that image of him out my head cos i fancied him so much but he was never mine properly. i feel im looking for someone so i dont have to think about him. i hate that hes got someone and i dont. when im the nice one and he isnt. I just wanna settle down with someone special. please help? its horrible feeling like this.
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at work, has a girlfriend, his ex, I love you, jealous, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Not sure how much this is going to help. There is a process that is called 'traumatic bonding'. What your boyfriend did was emotional abuse, and cheating, especially chronic cheating is emotional abuse. At the same time, he did too give you some good moments in between (hence your feelings for him). When someone has you on a tough spot all the time, and you care for them, the good times, you start feeling grateful for and love him deeply for them.
You probably have heard all these in counseling. Keep in mind too, you did nothing wrong, such people have the ability to play like this with even the strongest persons.
Do continue working on yourself. It is OKAY that you are bothered and still angry, you went through a traumatic experience and it takes time to heal, but do not let your feelings control any actions. The new girl is no better than you. I was in a relationship like that, kept wondering 'is she better', 'how about her'... in the end, I just had to let go. found out about other girls later that they were wondering the same about me, he enjoyed leaving hints I was better, because he played on women's insecurities. Do not let this happen to you. Focus on yourself, enjoy your life. And when you love again, you will love not like you loved him, but in a deeper way, less codependent and in a more loving, balanced relationship.
Good luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): 30 seconds?!?
LMAO man... How in the world did he sleep with going on 100 women and not improve his sex game? All u need to do is find someone that is nicer to you that lasts longer than 30 seconds in the sack and you'll be over that filth. Shouldn't be that hard.
Ok, I was joking. Yeah sweetie, i realize this guy got in your head. You have to put yourself out there and let other guys into your head. I get the impression you aren't doing that. Otherwise another, much better man would have shown you a better way already and you wouldn't be pining over the guy that cheated on you and neglected u... and was a horrible horrible lover, to add insult to injury
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 I think you still aren't thinking quite straight. Continue on with the counseling or I'm afraid you might end up in this very same situation with another guy. Whenever we allow someone to have so much influence over our lives we have lost control. You need to build up your self-esteem and regain that control before you can move on successfully. Best of luck, if you really want to, you can do it.
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