A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, and thanks ahead of time for your advice. I appreciate you reading this and giving me your thoughts.I'm nearly 23, and in October '13, I broke up with a boyfriend of nearly three years. It was the most toxic relationship I have ever been in. He (let's call him Joe) had a porn addiction and couldn't be intimate at all. Joe couldn't tell the truth to save his life. I ended it cleanly. No contact or communication, and certainly no looking back. I'm so much happier now, but this breakup and relationship sent me into a whirlwind of reflection. I started thinking of all of my previous relationships and began to wonder when had I ever been truly happy in a relationship. I certainly hadn't been happy with Joe. I began to consider the mistakes I and previous partners had made contrasted against those happy moments, considering if these relationships were mostly negative or positive. With Joe and other boyfriends, it was negative: breakups that were necessary and that actually gave me freedom and happiness. But there was one boyfriend who I couldn't say that for: my first love, let's call him Bob. Bob and I dated as teens. We broke up due to stupid immature things that I don't even fully remember at this point. He had been my best friend for years, and then we dated for a little over a year. Between being friends, dating, and breaking up (we had a long breakup, as neither of us ever wanted to truly let go), Bob took up most of my high school experience. I had loved him deeply, despite being young. Yet, by the end of high school, I had to cut off communication with him, in order to allow myself to get over him. He attempted to contact me a few times, but I brushed him off, knowing I couldn't be friends at that time, and I hadn't spoken to him since. When I came to him in my reflection, I only remembered good times. I realized that we got on so well because of that great friendship we had, and I missed that: our friendship. I had no grudges or ill feelings anymore; I mean, it's been five years! I figured we both had grown up; I certainly have. So, a couple months ago, I contacted Bob on Facebook, just asking him how he's been and if he'd like to catch up. He said yes, but also let me know that he was having a bit of a rough patch. He told me he had been having some personal issues that were occupying his time, but that he was glad to hear from me. He gave me his number, and we texted over the next few weeks. Last week, he asked me if I wanted to catch up, and we did for a few hours. It was a little weird at first, as looking at each other was like seeing both a friend and a stranger simultaneously, but overall, it was a nice time. He opened up to me that he had broken up with his girlfriend a few months prior and had been dealing with the death of a family member. I told him briefly of my ex, finishing college, and applying to graduate school. We parted on pretty good terms, and he said he'd like to see me again. Nothing even vaguely romantic happened between us: no hugs, no flirting, no caresses, no accidental brushes or bumps, and certainly no kisses. Purely platonic. I messaged him a few days later (about this past Tuesday), simply saying that it was nice to see him and that we should make more plans. We discussed some things we would like to do together and promised to get back to one another with more concrete plans soon. Again, PURELY PLATONIC.So, tonight just past midnight, I get a text from him, propositioning me to hookup with him. I read it, and honestly believed it has been accidentally sent to me. So I reply, "Um...?" He replies, "Sorry, I shouldn't have sent that. But I really want to (hookup)." I was so flippin' flabbergasted that I sat there for twenty minutes, unsure of what to say. I even asked if he had the right person. He replied that he did. I merely said, "Well, this is rather out of the blue." He sent me another few apologies and that he didn't mean to weird me out. I replied that the thought of that is just awkward for me, being how I've seen him merely ONCE in several years and that I just want to be friends presently. He didn't reply.I realize some people enjoy booty calls, but am I alone in thinking that this is SUPER weird and...abrupt? I'm sort of offended and upset (is that all that I amount to?), but also sort of confused that he still thinks of me that way and that seeing me once rekindled enough spice in his loins and courage in his heart to think I'd be down for a 1 AM shag. I mean, we did have a pretty intimate and hot relationship at one point. I can't deny that, but WTF? It was years ago. I didn't know a catch up session is an invitation for a booty call. Now, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't open to the possibility of us finding romance again IN TIME (anything goes since we're single adults, but I'm out dating others and not banking on it). That WAS NOT my motivation, however, in contacting him. I genuinely thought it was a shame that we parted and completely lost contact over dumb things. I just wanted to say hi, possibly be friends, and see where it goes. No harm, no foul, ya know?Can anyone possibly speculate what in the hell is going through his mind? What is he thinking? He has never EVER messaged me out of the blue to hookup before. Should I forgive this if he contacts me again, so long as he keeps it G rated? Should I just ask him why in the hell he thought that was appropriate? Or is he embarrassed enough?Am I just a booty call? What in the world is he thinking? How do I react?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (22 March 2014):
 I have to ask... had he been drinking?
If so there's not too much to read into this; he was horny and not thinking too clearly about social niceties (or anything else), and the hookup text probably seemed to him like a GREAT IDEA.
If he was sober then interpreting his motives is a lot harder. Maybe he really has grown into that big of a cad and thinks that a single catch-up session is carte blanche for future booty calls, since you are clearly yearning to get back into his pants (sarcasm).
It's also possible that he was trying to use the booty call as a way (a really dumb and discourteous one, but a way nonetheless) to try and gauge any feelings you might still have for him. It does cut right to the chase in terms of seeing whether you're still attracted to him; problem is, you'd have to be very attracted indeed to take him up on that "offer," and since you (rightly) failed to jump at the chance, he still doesn't know.
I wouldn't worry too much about confronting him again over the text - he seems to recognize it was inappropriate, and you say he's apologized multiple times. He can't unsend the text so there isn't much else to be done. He could give you another apology but unless you feel you'll gain more closure from it, it's not something I'd personally push for.
IF you aren't already too offended by him to consider him date material (which is a tough call at this point, to be honest, because the fact he'd send something like that so quickly paints him as a bit of a player) then I'd bring up the incident in conversation with him and let him know more or less what you've stated here: that you're not interested in being his booty call but would be open to rekindling things SLOWLY if it feels right. Don't get physical with him too soon - even though you've been intimate with him before, if you're developing a relationship and not an FWB some degree of courtship should still be involved.
Best wishes!
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 March 2014):
This is a lot of background for a booty call but I do appreciate the lengths you took. The logic is that he has history with you and finds you attractive. He's too messed up at the moment to have a relationship but he does want sex, I mean what guy doesn't right. At the same time I think he bit off more than he can chew because his approach was as smooth as sand on Velcro. This is why drunk texting is a no-no in the bro code.
I think you should step back a bit in terms of the frequency of communication. It's good you got contact with him but feel free to continue progression and spread your wings a bit more. Don't over think this situation because there is no awesome hidden agenda behind it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2014):
 We can all speculate what went through his mind, the thing is, it shouldn't MATTER what he is thinking. It doesn't "excuse" him thinking it's OK to treat you like a booty call.
What matters is that YOU handled it in a good manner. And that you SAW him for WHO he is now, instead of that "kid" you dated in high-school.
My guess is he thought you were reaching out because you felt lonely, and wanted some attention - NOT because you thought this guy would make a great friend. He saw YOU reaching out as the OK to test the waters. He tested it and failed. What you may have thought was PURELY platonic, he took as an invitation.
There are times were exes are JUST that, exes. They are NOT friend material, due to the shared history. And quite honestly, if friendship was ALL you were thinking of, you might have reached out to a female friend or male friend you had lost touch with NOT an ex.
If I were you, I would just message him on FB and let him know that your intentions was to see if you two could be friends no more, but that you realize it won't work. And then remove him and block him again.
Now I think it FAIR enough that you want to know WHY he thought it was OK, and if you are curious I'd ask.
If an ex reached out to me 5 YEARS after we ended a relationship, I would (like you) assume it was a nice friendly gesture, not an invitation to HIT on the person. YOUR ex doesn't think that way. He sees you as a possible blast from the past who can be a "FWB" or rebound.
I'd let sleeping dogs sleep.
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