A
male
age
36-40,
*attman
writes: I was 17, she was 15. We snuck away to a field near my moms house. Under the stars on an old sleeping bag Id had since Boy Scouts we Both made love for the first time. We fell asleep in that field that night and as you might figure, awoke to angry parents everywhere. We never really lost contact, but we never really dated either. We were friends, Best friends even. I talked with her countless times while she cried about how a guy used her. She held me in her arms when my first true love cheated on me when I was 19. Time went on as it has a way of doing and we were always becoming closer. But until that faitfull night we had never touched each other in passion since the first time. Four years later. I was 21 and she was 19. Her BF of 1 and a half years had broken up with her and she needed to go out. So as we had many times before we got in my car and took a drive. We went to sonic and got a little bit to eat and drove out to a place near the lake that is very peacefull and quite. A place I often went to relax. We were in my 97 Camaro and had the T-Tops off. We were studying the stars that night talking of where we were heading with our life's. I cant tell you why but I felt "different" I was wanting and needing to kiss her like I did so long ago. I held her hand and told her that everything would be just fine. As I looked her in the eyes she leaned in and we kissed. We went to my house that night and made love. But it was a new love. It was a new start to an old fire. This time I would not let go of Kirsten. We were growing up and we were getting more sure of what we wanted in life. Well at least I was. The next 2 years of my life was so testing. Kirsten and I once had an arguement that led to her having sex with her ex-boyfriend for "comfort". I forgave her. We went to a party and after some drinks she kissed some army brat that played her emotions. I forgave her. We had a big fight one time and she said she wanted to stay at her aunts house for a while. A few weeks later when she moved back in she admitted to going out for drinks with her married cousin and having sex with him.Somehow.....I forgave her. I faught sooo hard to make our relationship work I lost the support of my family. I dont blame them a bit. I know what your all thinking. You think Im stupid for putting up with all of that. I am. But Im stupid in love. One night my life took a huge turn. Me and kirsten had a fight and I told her I wanted to break up with her. She hit me and kicked me until I was on the verge of breaking so I locked myself in a room and told her to leave or Id call the police. I peered out of this room and watched her crying on the kitchen floor. She looked at the mirror opened a kitchen drawer and took a knife from it. She walked to the bedroom shut and locked the door. I panicked. I flew out to the bedroom and asked to come in....No answer. I quickly picked up my phone and called 911. I told them what was going on and in the middle of my conversation I could hear kirsten crying. I decided to make a move so I kicked down my bedroom door. Lying on the bed there was kirsten. The knife was nowhere to be seen but a big empty bottle of pills laid on my pillow. An ambulance arrived soon after and kirsten was flown to the E.R. I sat in her room with her for 5 days. I refused to go to work. I refused to leave. I fed her. I baithed her. I did everything I could to help. I Loved this woman with all of my heart. I still blame myself for that night. Well that was about 5 months ago know. Kirsten and I are both doing better. She was put on some anti depressents and I must say she has been very easy to get along with. We fight very little. We go to the gym 5 days a week, college 5 days a week and both work full time jobs. She is a licensed C.N.A. and Im a C.D.L. driver running a local route. We make great money have a lakehouse in the country and an apartment in the city. I drive my dream car, a fire engine red 3000GT and kirsten has a nice newer neon. But here it is folks. Here is why Im writing you today. I need help. Kirsten has not been the same in a long time and its finally killing me. I say killing me because I can feel a detereoration of something inside. I feel myself sinking into a destitude of nothing. When I try and kiss her she turns away quickly. I dont know if I have had a long kiss in over 5 months. When I ask to make love its always something. Its too early or too late or she just ate or she is hungery. Today I broke down and cried. She found me there, crying and asked what was wrong. I explained my feelings of a lost connection and she only tried to joke it off as usual. This time I made her face this and would not let her change subject or write it off. She told me she doesnt know whats wrong. She says she loves me very very much. She said she cant wait until we marry. But im scared to get married. I explained that I needed to feel "Love".I needed that beautifull sex the way it should be. That wild then soft , loud then quite sweaty then sweet beautifull sex we used to have. You see we have sex maybe a few times a week. Its this lost empty sex. Like no emotion is involved We have no kids and no reason we shouldnt make love often. I fear its me thats not right. But I dont know why. Im Italian , dark hair , brown eyes, muscular and attractive. Im smart and driven and have done very well for myself. I like to think any woman would be lucky to have me. But With that said I never lose my connection to reality. Im human and I dont expect too much from anyone. I accept her just the way she is. Kirsten is a tall medium built woman. With a german nose and a beautifull smile. Legs for days and a coke bottle figure. Busty and pretty as the ocean is deep.I cant imagine a life without her. She is my everything. I cry right now as I type this because I fear the worst. I dont think she is cheating on me. Im too clever for her to pull that off. But something must change before im lost for good.Matthew Sedalia , MO.
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best friend, cheated on me, cousin, her ex, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mattman +, writes (5 April 2008):
mattman is verified as being by the original poster of the question I wanted to thank everybody for all of your excellent advice, I really do believe I made progress today. Im going to be passionate as I usually am but NOT try to have sex when we kiss or make out. Im going to see if that will help to boost her passion and make her want to be more physical with me. Ill keep you updated on results in the future, thank you all again.
Matt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I don't agree with taking her off her medication to make her passion return. If she suffers from depression, she is more likely to relapse within a couple of years if she goes off the antidepressants.
Newer antidepressants do not have sexual side effects that round off passion, you yourself saw the change in her once she was on them and how much better you were able to get along with her. Depression is a horrible thing and it plays tricks on the mind and makes everything look different than what it in reality is...if they are working for her, then don't change it.
I really think this is more of a behavioral thing, the lack of energy for frequent sex due to changes in your lifestyle, and you have gotten into the habit of not communicating about how often you want sex or when and you are not working on the connection you have outside of the bedroom, this has nothing to do with her past depressive episodes....
Having some counseling will help determine if I am correct, and will help you make a decision about your future goals of marriage and how to improve your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Hi Matthew,
Although how sad that was to read, How beautifully written it was, You are a romantic to say the least. I feel your kirsten has mental trauma and issues of not being able to love herself. So therefore hunny she canot bring herself to comit or love someone, So untill these issues are treated and she realises what is wrong she will carry on making these mistakes in life looking and searching for what she already has and that is your love...Depression is an awfull illness sweetheart I will send you some links to help you hunny...You can only do your best and you have done more than that love.....
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/article/7972/110/Is+Your+Partner+Depressed%3F++Here's+How+to+Cope
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/body_and_mind/29_better_living.html
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Hunny have a read... Living and coping with a partner who is depressed, Self esteem for you love as you have been through so much..And a self esteem for Kirsten as there is something not right hunny and she may need to go back to the doctor for additional help, I hope this help matthew couples counselling may help as well love, And I wouldnt think of marriage hunny untill you have got all the help for you both you can, Do not forget you hunny, You very special.. I DO HOPE YOU CAN WORK THIS OUT SWEETHEART WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, mattman +, writes (4 April 2008):
mattman is verified as being by the original poster of the question This is matt who wrote this article, thank you for the compliment on my writing. Im not taking courses for it but I plan on writing movie scripts in the near future, I just have to find a few more hours in the day :) .
You are absolutely write about kissing leading to sex, somehow I never really thought about it. I guess realistically its my fault that we are missing a connection. Thank you for the advice rythm.
matt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Matthew, this is from a fellow Missourian, you are a great writer, hope you are taking some writing courses in college and plan to write your first novel.
Kirsten sounds like she has had some mental problems and she probably is not the strongest person and has trouble dealing with stress.
Your lives and schedules sound very full, having sex a few times a week is pretty typical, and actually not that bad.
You on the other hand are missing the passionate days you used to have the time and energy for and you are letting it hurt you emotionally that it is absent....maybe she is turning away because she is smaller and weaker than you and frankly does not have the energy at the end of the day to be a human pin cushion....and kissing you probably always leads to sex, so she is making the mistake of turning away from your kisses to avoid sex.
Talk to her openly about this, ask her to tell you if she doesn't want to have sex and try scheduling it in advance so she knows when to expect it and can get ready for it, maybe call her several times that day to sweet talk her and she will feel more connected to you before having sex...women need that mental connection before the physical stuff starts, otherwise we start to feel used...and it becomes a pattern of avoidance for us.
I am just trying to guess at what might be going on here, it sounds like she is telling you she loves you and can't wait to be married, and you are afraid to take that step because of her past history with you, and I can't say I blame you, I am surprised you stuck with her, but you must be very attracted to her and love her very much, that is the good news.
Perhaps you both could get some premarital counseling, if you attend a church, talk to your pastor or minister, otherwise look into family or marriage counseling and see if you can't work some of your issues out before marrying. You don't want to go into a marriage with these kinds of doubts.
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