A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I told my husband in confidence that his best friend was getting a divorce. Before telling him I made him promise not to tell anyone until his best friend tells him himself. A few weeks later, he blurted it out. Now, as usual, he’s angry AT ME for telling him that I do mind him breaking his promise.His friend’s soon to be ex-wife sent me a message, asking me “to try not to tell” my husband. I said that I couldn’t promise her that, since I really worry about the friend in question (explanation to follow). At first I thought that she wanted her husband/his friend to tell him. It turned out she was just fishing for information, hoping that I might already know something. However, time passed, his friend kept dodging us. My worry doubled since he has a history of bad reactions to stress. He had a nervous breakdown a few years back and was on meds for a while. I had no idea who left whom. I was afraid he might be in trouble. My husband found this dodging weird, but after a while he started to worry too. That’s when I told him, after explaining to him why I want him to keep me out of it.In the end it was his best friend’s mother who told my husband and when she said that maybe she shouldn’t have, he blurted out that he’d protect her, keep her out of this since I had already told him!I don’t care who knows that I knew. I just feel bad because he broke his promise to me.This is one of the typical reversals of roles that he does all the time. When he does something wrong (I really think that this is wrong even if it’s not the end of the world) and when I point it out, he immediately gets angry at me, yells even, aborting any reasonable discussion. After a while he usually apologizes but sometimes he doesn’t. I’m afraid this may be the latter case. He feels particularly vulnerable when his honor is in question. I just need some perspective. I really think that no matter what he shouldn’t have told just to make one conversation more pleasant.Thanx for your help!
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best friend, confidence, divorce, ex-wife Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for all of your replies.
I agree that I shouldn't have said it to my husband. But, the first thing I should have done is tell the soon-to-be-ex-wife that I can't keep such a thing away from my husband.
I wouldn't share with him any information that doesn't concern him, but I think that this concerns him more than it concerns me.
Nobody made a big problem out of it. As HoneyPie has said, teh worst thing was how my husband treated me.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I don't get the whole "I don't keep secrets from my spouse" thing. What if someone were in a job where they knew top secret or classified info? I view confidences told to me by friends to be in that same category.
The initial "betrayal" *IS* from you. You were caught with your pants down when your friend's wife asked you not to tell anyone. Had you kept this to yourself, none of this would have happened. Why did you NEED to tell your husband??
I have plenty of friends who tell me confidences which I do not tell my husband or anyone. I don't HAVE to tell anyone. Now, you know your husband can't keep any sort of secret.
He threw you under the bus to protect his friend's mom. That is his real betrayal of you when she told him. Now you know that if someone tells you not to tell him, you DON'T.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 This is a great example for folks to NEVER tell anyone anything that might even be thought to be private. Whenever someone says to me, "hey did you hear about "fill in the blank?" I go nope and I don't even care. People probably think I'm a real jerk but at least I never get tangled up in is kind of drama. In any event, if yourhubby can't keep secret it's notyour fault. The onlyhing you did wrong as tell hin the fit place. Gossip is toxic, secrets ar worse. This too shall pass.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2014):
 I don't think it was wrong that you told your husband. I do think your husband OVERACTED and I would ASK him how he would have preferred the situation to be handled so in the future you know what he would prefer.
I think your husband is being a wimp by not taking responsibility for his actions. It would have been simple for him to say, well it WAS his mother and I felt an obligation to her, but dear wife you are right, if you ask me not to tell, maybe I shouldn't have.
I don't THINK him telling the mom is a big deal, I DO think he he reacted towards YOU was. I would not be happy with that.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (14 November 2014):
I think in the future I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that you don't keep secrets from your husband. There is no reason on earth for someone else's drama to affect your marriage. This is unfortunate.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (14 November 2014):
I think in the future I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that you don't keep secrets from your husband. There is no reason on earth for someone else's drama to affect your marriage. This is unfortunate.
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