A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is so long! My best friend from grade school went overseas for college and upon returning started a relationship with my brother. I was living in a different state by now and she initially wanted him to keep the relationship a secret from me. Our families had always been close and she convinced him to the reason would be her father's disaproval as we were raised in different religions although she is not particularly religious and has dated plenty of men of the same background as my brother. She returned to grad school overseas all while continuing a secret long-distance relationship with my brother that only her sister and I were aware of. My brother was truly devoted to her but i had my misgivings. The few times I was together with both of them I had seen she had really changed over the years since highschool. She was rude to me in my own home as a guest and I felt was demanding and manipulative with him. I started to worry my brother was headed for severe heartache but saw she had such sway over him, if I were to voice too many of my misgivings he would shut me out completely and I wouldn't know if or when he needed help. She started making statements that were contradictory. She would tell me that she wanted to have a baby with my brother, name it after my grandpa if the baby was a boy. I had said previously, "Wouldn't it be crazy after all these years if you ended up my sister-in-law" she burst out crying on the phone saying she could never marry a man like my brother. My brother is a hard-working mechanic. My brother is a truly kind, generous soul with a history of depression. When we were all together over the holiday's she even seemed jealous of my close bond with my brother. Her behavior was bizarre, she slapped me across the face for play fighting with my brother. It was obvious we were just horsing around my light contact did not hurt him at all. I started to really see that our friendship was not what is was but convinced myself the dynamic had changed because she was dating my brother, maybe i just felt left out a little etc. I felt at least with our long-standing friendship, she wouldn't dare pursue my brother with false intentions. After 3 years of this mostly secret relationship, my brother calls me and I knew things had unraveled. He told me he did not want to live anymore so I had some friends in the same town get to him immediately while I caught the next flight to go stay with him. It turns out he got word from my friend's mother (who was unaware of the relationship) that she had married a rich man overseas. My brother, up to this point was in contact with S and lead to believe they were still in a relationship and she had just told him she loved him a few days before.. He was devastated. S's sister was calling me trying to do damage control but also smoothing over this web of lies her sister made. My brother didn't know what to believe or who to trust. When everything came out, it became clear to me that he had helped her financially when she was in school as well. She had recently graduated when she married this other guy. I can't tell you the pain of having to see the situation for what it was to talk my brother down from the pedastel he had her own in hopes he could totally move on from her some day. It is clear to me she used him plain and simple. I angrily worked her sister to get S to call and tell him something, feeling he couldn't move on if he didn't hear something directly from him. (I apologized later for losing my temper with S's sister) I was there when she finally called and she blamed it mostly on his shortcomings and took no responsibility for lying and leading him on. I was fearful her increasingly manipulations weren't helping. When he tried to tell her how bad he felt. I really felt at that moment I would lose my brother. I couldn't overhear their phone conversation anymore and walked outside onto the porch. I started having a full on panic attack and couldn't breathe. He heard me and came running out with her still on the phone. It snapped him out of it enough for him to realize that he has a family that need him no matter what. I asked him when I could catch my breathe. She spoke coldly over the phone. That was the last time I heard her voice. Our families don't speak anymore. I kept in touch with her sister for a bit off on who wanted to try to fix everything. I knew she was caught in the middle and just kept the conversations positive asking her questions about her own life, children etc. Flash forward 7 years later, my brother is doing good, took steps to manage his depression, moved on to better relationships etc.. I made peace that it seems i would never get an explanation of any kind from S. It felt like a breakup for me too. It would have meant so much to me years ago if I got a simple, "I never meant to hurt your brother". But i finally got to a point where I was not angry or sad about the situation, did not think about her much anymore and had truly moved on. Last week, after 7 years, I get an email from her saying she misses and loves me and she will be in my state this summer and we should met up, that I can be a long-lost but now found "aunt" to her sister's kids whom I have never meant. I had tried to send her sister a baby gift years ago but my request for a mailing address was ignored. The wording in the email acknowledges we haven't spoken in a long time and should patch things up because "life is short" and her and her sister miss me. She does not apologize and it is unclear from the tone if she thinks she is the one who is choosing to forgive me. The wording makes it sound like we a generally petty, mutual falling out with fault on both sides. I hate for someone to suffer from a mistake their whole life. Is she looking for my forgiviness so she can move on? Does she need that? I feel she may be a bit narcissistic and may actually blame me somehow.? I am feeling guilt not answering her but don't know what to do. I don't really feel like rekindling a friendship, especially with no responsibility for her actions but if she needs something from me to move on as well I am not sure? Also, I don't want to hurt my brother in anyway. Although he has moved on, the mention of her name will always bring some pain. I generally am quick to forgive, realize everyone makes mistakes and am compassionate about it. This throws me for a loop. I wonder if this is the huge challenge the universe is throwing me this year. If she could at least express real remorse, I believe I could tell her it is water under the bridge. At the same time, I did the work to put this behind me and don't know if I want to feel any of this again. She mentioned my family in acknowledgements in a book she had published several years ago but still never explained anything to us or do anything directly to reach out. Thank you for your insight!
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a break, best friend, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 Honestly I wouldn't bother replying to her email. She caused your brother so much pain, she treated you badly and she is a lying cheat. Yes time has moved on, but that was a very very dark place for your brother please do not allow him to see you have patched things up with a woman that caused him so much pain.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 I'm with Honeypie.
I'd kindly tell her to stick her invitation to meet, firmly up her ass. She is a very shady person by the sounds of things and I wouldn't want anything to do with her or her family if she thinks it's okay to tear someone's life apart and then act as if though nothing has happened.
I also think your brother would be extremely hurt and offended to hear that you were hanging out with her again. I also agree that it would be worth telling your brother what has happened just in case he hears something from her then it won't be a total surprise.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2017):
 I would e-mail her back and wish her luck and that you will be TOO busy ALL summer to met up and that you have no interest in reintroducing drama in your life. THAT simple. and BLOCK her email (make it go to the spam folder)
She isn't a friend and you OWE her nothing.
My loyalty would be with my brother (were I in your shoes). And That would mean AVOIDING her like the plague that she is. Unfortunately her sister in now collateral damage, so to speak.
If she DOES look up your brother, HE will have to deal with her himself. Hopefully, he is in a place where he can tell her to go kick rocks. I would probably tell him she tried to rekindle the friendship and you told her no thanks. That way he knows she might pop up.
As for an acknowledgment in a book, who cares? Doesn't mean you are now indebted to her.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (11 May 2017):
You're asking us if you should rekindle a friendship with a lying cheat who trashed your brother while breaking his heart and has never expressed remorse for her actions? Because she mentioned your family in her book. I'm sure your brother would love to know his sister is again friends with a woman who treated him so shabbily.
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