A
female
age
41-50,
*orever Hopeful
writes:I just found out that my husband of almost 6 years was planning to cheat on me while I was away for 2 weeks. The person he planned to cheat on me with was supposedly a friend. I found all their messages (which he stupidly archived on Yahoo Messenger) stating that they wanted each other the very first time and going into graphic detail about how and what they wanted to do to each other. They were exchanging sexy pictures and even planned to meet up on a couple of occasions but the plans always fell through. Apparently, this had been going on for a while. I now know that all the times when she and her husband invited us over to their house for get togethers, she and my husband were giving each other secret looks and engaging in "secret" behaviors, such as "accidental" touching and attempting to be alone together. They stated that they were just waiting for me to go out of town so they could play. In the messages he said the he wanted to continue seeing her even after I got back. I confronted him about it and he made up some story the messages being a joke to get back at her cheating husband. He stuck with that story until I told him that something in me knew that he was lying and that I would leave unless he told me the truth. He then broke down in tears, told me the truth and begged me not to leave. I confronted her about it and she insisted that she just did it to feel wanted after her husband cheated on her and that nothing ever happened or was going to happen. Still I saw one of the messages she sent him that she was leaving to go to the place where they were supposedly going to sleep together, but something happened and he couldn't make it. Apparently, she was there and waiting because she messaged him later asking him why he didn't show up. That alone makes me think that they actually would've done something if he'd have showed up. Like I said, I confronted her and she profusely apologized. I also alerted her husband as to what was going on. And as I said, my husband has also profusely apologized and I do believe him. I want to forgive him, but a part of me keeps thinking about what would have happened if I'd have not found out. Clearly, he was never going to tell me. It would have been extremely easier if he had have. As I said, I believe him and want to stay with him, but this thing is REALLY bothering me. What would you do in this situation?PS This is not the first time we've been in trouble. It seems during the last 6 years every time I turned around he was doing something or other. He'd always promise not to do it again and I'd believe him. However, this time I really and truly believe deep down in my heart that he is sorry and finally sees the error of his ways. Apparently, when I get extremely upset my blood pressure gets so high that I black out. This happened the night all this went down and he says that it really scared him into seeing how much he's hurting me and how much he needs to change. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Forever Hopeful +, writes (16 January 2009):
Forever Hopeful is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to give an update on my situation. I am leaving him. Things were great (as usual)for a few days, but then he went back to his old disrespectful self. I just can't do it anymore. I promised myself that if I ever got that gut feeling that something funny may be going on again that I would leave. I feel so insecure right now and he's not doing anything to make things any better. He gets angry and defensive when I inquire as to his whereabouts and also little suspicious things he does. He says that I'm treating him like a child asking him all those questions and "checking up on him". He says he can't understand why I'm so paranoid. I'm being made to feel as though I'm the one in the wrong. The way he talks to me sometimes is just downright hurtful and I just can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have to go behind him and check out his every move and also worry about where he is and/or what he's doing and also about who's calling or texting him every time his cell phone rings...and he gets texts and calls ALOT.
Soooo,I'm taking a little time to get myself together. I'll then swallow my pride and go on back home to people who REALLY love and care about me. I'm leaving this relationship knowing that I sincerely tried. I'm just tired now and my heart can't take it any more. I am a good woman and I deserve a good man.
Thanks to everyone for all your words of advice. I sincerely appreciate it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): If my wife ever did this I'd have gone before she could even beg for forgiveness.
He doesn't seem worth it to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): If my husband did this it would be over so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): I think that there is something to work with here. There's a chance that the reason that he never showed up to meet her was because he didn't want to do that to you. I would talk some more and ask him why he never showed up. I would be really angry and want a divorce but since he didn't sleep with her there is a chance to make it work. This is emotional infidelity though and it hurts just as bad. It sounds like you are ready to work on the marriage so first thing he needs to block her from his email or any other accounts or delete the email or messenger he was using to speak with her. If you really want to make big changes have him change his cell phone number or your home number. Then counseling.
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