A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know I'm messed up....I'm in high school, which are supposed to be the best years of your life right? But I'm just feeling lost and neglected by other people, but also by myself. I don't take care of myself the way I should. And I know this. But hear me out.I eat very little and what I do eat, I run off downstairs in the basement in the dark where we keep the treadmill. I don't want to look down and be able to see my body, so I run in the dark.Any free time I have at home I spend in my room on the Internet. I've developed this obsession with pornography on the computer. And I just can't help myself.I'm learning to rely only on myself. I don't need other people around. I can get sexual gratification by myself, I can hide away in the dark when I need to exercise, and I can eat all my meals in my room so others don't have to watch me cram food down my throat.I'm beginning to suffer from insomnia.When I'm around other people I feel uncomfortable and insecure. Even my "closest" friends.I'm a generally awkward person around people. When I get to know a person enough, I'm "myself", which though grown-ups will tell you that's who you should be, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm a strange person, and my two best friends have pointed it out to me on more than one occasion. And when they aren't telling me what's wrong with me, they give each other looks as if to say silently "She's messed up."I know I'm messed up. They don't need to tell me that. I know I'm engaging in unhealthy activities. I know that. But, I don't want to stop being unhealthy. I feel like me acting this way is "rebellious". I'm never rebellious about anything. People stick me to that stereotype of "straight-laced" which I don't think is normal for a teenager. So I'm silently battling myself, and I get some kind of weird satisfaction with it. I constantly need to do these things to convince myself that I'm living life how life should be led.There's another close friend who I think is catching on, but I don't want him to know these things about me. But I feel conflicted because at the same time, I want everyone to know. That way they'll know I'm a teenager. I want to prove that I have problems, but I dug myself into the mess.It's messed up. There's a glimpse into my head.
View related questions:
best friend, insecure, porn, the internet Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, kathy255 +, writes (24 September 2009):
For the record the only people who think teenage life was the best years of their life are the ones who were the dumb jocks who are in their late 30s, balding, 85 lbs heavier, working at a gas station, or living at home with mama. High School is freaking horrible everybody hurting each other hormones doing all kinds of crazy crap. Omg I never ever want to do that again. It WILL get better. I was depressed for many years my from about the age of 9 through my teenage life and into my early 20s. I will be 27 in a week. I never had to battle with exactly what you are, but I understand hopelessness I have been there. I once took some pills to try to end it all but Thank God I just fell asleep, I didn't take enough. I woke up the next morning glad to be alive but still hopeless. I felt that nobody could understand me. I did several things that I should not have drinking, smoking, fighting, just general disobedience. That got me no where except saturday detention, suspension, community service twice. So a few years later I'm still battling with depression not knowing where to turn I finally after about 10-12 years of this depression I went to a psychiatrist he talked with me a little gave me some anti-depressants. I took the pills for about three months. While I was on the pills I realized I don't need these I need to be happy with who I am and what I'm about. I still struggle from time to time because I will always be the outcast, the one nobody wants. I am different than a lot of people but I like me and I have friends and family who appreciate my quirks. Always say to yourself when you are feeling bad, everything will be okay this is temporary it may seem bad now, but tomorrow will be different. If you think positive it will be positive I never think negatively anymore, or not for long. When I feel bad I say hey I have felt like this before and have gotten over it so why waste time feeling bad and get over it now. I usually snap out of it and get happy again. It has taken me a long time to really let myself be happy. I thought that I was not good enough to be happy well I realized I was being ignorant I deserve it you deserve it. Tell yourself I will be happy and healthy I love me even when nobody else seems to. They call me weird oh well I'm not a conformist like they are. I like being different, it keeps them on their toes. You will be surprised when you start telling yourself these things how much it can help. Oh a few more tips and tricks that may help depending on your personality try writing down your problems then after time has past like a week, month, even years and read what you wrote then you will see how trivial some of the stuff was I have stacks of notebooks I read them sometimes and think to myself man was I goofy, that is no reason to be upset. It is very helpful. Ok now here is the weird idea that for whatever reason helps me. Watch depressing movies ones where people die from an incurable disease or get paralyzed or something devastating then when the movie is over you realize my life is way better than theirs and then you are glad to be alive and well. Anyway I leave you with this "to be great is to be misunderstood".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I've been feeling down and depressed too, lately, and I just wanted to say two things:-Only you have the real power to change anything about your life for good;-I wouldn't recommend doing the things that make you feel hollow. Happiness over pleasure.Just my £0.02. Good luck, whatever you choose to do (I agree that life is really hard sometimes.)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Thankyou for giving us a glimpse inside your head.
Yes, people say that your teenage years are supposed to be the best years of your life. But when I started high school, things went downhill rapidly. In fact, I would never wish to be a teenager again. It can be a state of inner turmoil, of pain and conflicting emotions, of losing yourself...
...but you can get through it. You can find yourself again. But that is the key word - through. You have to go through it to reach the other side and come out stronger than before. It can feel like such a battle.
I don't want to say that I know what you're going through, or how you are feeling, because it is always different. But it wasn't long ago that I felt similar feelings. I can relate to wanting to make a point to the people around you. I know that I did some pretty drastic things when I was younger. I wanted people to look at me and see that I was, well, like you said, "messed up". I wanted people to see that I wasn't okay, that I was in pain, that I needed help. In fact, I think I still do it at times. It can be hard to express yourself, so we find other ways to do it.
I hope you are able to start feeling better soon, and that you find a way through this difficult time. Bear in mind that you are very much not alone. And once again, thankyou for sharing this with the readers of dearcupid. x
...............................
|
