A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a girl who at that time told me that she is still not over her ex boyfriend and wanted to take it as friends for the time being if that is acceptable with me. She seemed cool and I was okay with that at that point. We started as friends and that involved hanging out together a few times and communicating over text at a regular intervals and kind of getting to know each other. Over this period of time I really started to like her a lot but wanted to not encroach the boundary set initially. This went on for 3 to 4 months, when she told me that she is most likely going to get back with her ex. If she thinks that is the best thing for her, I honestly accept that. But I have an itching to let her know how I feel about her. Telling her that I like her after she told me that she is trying to get back with her ex might seem manipulative. But I want to keep it as decent as possible. I know this might put a dent in us being friends down the road (or it may not), but I do feel if I don't tell her now I might end up regretting it later. I would like to hear what would be the most appropriate way to let her know that I like her, but I am not going to try to sabotage what she thinks is the best for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): Why would you allow someone to place you on-hold, while they work to get their ex back? Her feelings are focused and established for somebody else.
Doesn't that tell you she doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for her? Doesn't it place you in the pathetic position of being infatuated with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings? Do you really think your persistence will change her mind and undo her heart for another guy she has loved in the past? And still does?
You will have to overcome your sense of entitlement, and male-ego; that is demanding that you must have her at any cost. Even if you have to pretend to be a friend; while she uses you as her backup-plan. Simply to keep her feeling loved; while she waits for her ex to take her back. You are absorbing the rejection she feels coming from her ex. Nothing more than that. Like a pain-reliever.
She does not love you. She loves her ex. You're idolizing her in your heart, captured by her looks and appearance. You're at that age when we guys mistake lust and desire for love.
Your male-pride is forcing you to hold-on; and you want her even more, because you're subconsciously offended by her rejection. That is like asserting your demand over something you covet like property, or some kind of prize to be won. That is a very unhealthy approach towards another human being. You're not the lesser-man for her choosing another. You're a distraction when she needs an emotional baby-sitter. You're also feeding on her weakness and vulnerability. You shouldn't do that either!
Never allow your feelings to overwhelm you to the point you're infatuated with someone; because that is obsession, and it is unhealthy. If you can't control it, in spite of all the facts; it's not love, it's pride demanding that you get what you want. Even if she doesn't want you in the same way; or has already told you that you're in the friend-zone.
Look at it this way. She hasn't fully rejected you and pulled-away for one of two reasons. She's using you, and/or she feels sorry for you. Pity is no substitute for love. You deserve better than that, and you should be strong and man enough to convince yourself to let her go. You will get-over her!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): Tell her if you want but she already knows, and she's not into you. So I don't know what you hope to gain. You will probably lose a friend though.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2019):
 But she knows that you like her ! she knows it perfectly. Otherwise, why ever would she have told you then that she was still hung up on her ex, and that she just wanted to be friends with you- if this was acceptable to you ? In your opinion, would there have been a need for so many provisos and conditions, if she had genuinely believed that you were two platonic friends with no attraction whatsoever, just looking forward to hang out and shoot the breeze ??
Sorry, OP, IMO she has firmly friendzoned you. And if she friendzoned you then when she was single,..imagine now that she is going back to the man she loves. Sure, if it really gnaws at you, if you want to get it off your chest, go ahead and tell her about your feelings, it may make you feel better anyway, you'll be the judge of that. But I am 99,9% sure that all you'll get for your trouble will be a " Dear John " speech in which she states how you are such a great friend and a wonderful human being, - unluckily she does not like you in THAT way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2019):
 My advice?
Don't. You became friends with her in HOPES of becoming more, she doesn't WANT that with you. Otherwise she wouldn't have suggested "friendship" and she wouldn't be looking to get back with her ex.
Spare yourself the rejection, wish her well and let her go.
Don't STAY friend with her, it will ONLY hold you back from meeting someone who DOES want to BE with you.
She isn't into you OP. Sorry.
The fact that you WAITED to tell her until SHE told you about getting back with an ex id not only bad timing, it's you not accepting reality. THAT she sees you as nothing MORE than a friend.
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