A
female
age
41-50,
*onno-what-to-do
writes:This might be a long post, but please bear with me. I have been with my boyfriend for the 5 years. A year after we started going out I moved in with him and his parents since I was living in a little basement, and my boyfriend thought that was not healthy for me so he took me into their house. all his friends and family know about me, and they all really like me. My boyfriend is a wonderful person who has done so much for me, whatever you can name it.. we live 40 mins away from the university I go to ..he takes me to school and picks me up every day.. I am doing my masters, and work in a lab, so sometimes he even ends up waiting for me at school for like hours until I finish what I have to do. he also takes me to see my parents every day ..my parents live 2 hours drive away from where I live.. he always makes sure I am fed, comfortable, and I have nothing to worry about. our relationship for the first 3 years was amazing, we traveled to all these places, he introduced me to a lot of new things that I never knew about since I immigrated here 9 years ago... I learned everything that I KNOW from him.. my boyfriend is a very smart guy so he has helped me with all my school related work, applications, presenations and essays.. I am very smart too, and have maintained a really high GPA, and plan on going to medical schools, but when it comes to computer stuff, and filling out applications, and making resumes he is always there for me because he is very good at those things. so as I said, he treated me like a princess for the first 3 years.. the amount of resources he has was alot more than what I had, but I also treated him nice too well not as much as him, but I would buy him expensive gift for anniverseries and birthdays.. but I am a kind of person who unlike my boyfriend likes to put herself first.. I always put myself and my needs before his.. for example many nights I would ask him to sleep in the computer room since I had to study and I just couldnt if someone else was in the room... anyway since I started doing masters,, I became even worse because of the long hours that I spent at the lab, I would always be so tired, and would want to hit the bed as soon as I got home.. he would always ask me to make him tea, and warm his food which I would do sometimes, but with so much resistance.. after all these years my bf started realizing that he is putting so much money, time, and effort into this relationship and not getting anything in return.. my sexual desire for him had died as well, so we never had much sex, and we fought alot about that.. he always wanted to have sex, and I never did.. so since last year my bf became very mean to me.. he would start yelling and screaming at me for smallets thing I said or did.. and when he asked me to do things, and I wouldnt .. he wouldnt talk to me for days.. he would ask me to clean the house, and I would say no its not my house.. because his mom never cleans, and I did major cleaning couple of times, but then the house would get so messay the next day because his parents would throw their stuff all over the place, so I just gave up.. my bf was the only one who clean the house once a month, and if I didnt have to study I would help him after he asked me so many times.. the last 2 years.. I did not do anything for his birthday , and that just set him on fire..well he started asking me 3 days before his birthday what I am going to do and I said nothing because i was so busy with school and under so much stress, and he got so upset.. so I called up his friends and mine and set a dinner thing at a very nice restaurant.. but to him thats nothing.. just because he thinks I did it when I was forced to.. you know the problem my boyfriend has is that he always puts me down and treats me in front of other people as if I am a little girl who knows nothing.. another thing is that we are from different countries, and have different religions.. my boyfriend is muslim, and my parents hate that.. they say they will never attend my wedding if I marry him and they think I will end up miserable with him.. it tooks me 3 years to eventually introduce him to my immediate family just because I was so scared of what they will say.. another year to introduce him to my brother,, and I just recently introduced him to one of my uncles.. like two days ago.. we went and had dinner at my uncles.. but after we left my uncle called me and told me he is not a good choice for me.. he said my bf critices me so much because my bf made couple of remarsk telling them about how he thinks I donno anything about whats going on in the world.. how i am scared of everything in life, and my uncle says if i was meeting a girls family for the first time I would never say any of those things about her.. anyway after the dinner at my uncles we came home to my parents house ( I forgot to mention because I am working on my thesis for school, I have been staying with my parents for the last 2 months,, and in these two months my bf contacts me maybe once every two weeks and I dont call him he would not call me .. he will just text or email ).. anyway so when we came home he asked me to make tea and I automatically said no .. we got into an aruguement in front of my parents,,my mom told him I am still at school, not a housewife, and its not like I live with him ( they dont know I do) my bf was exploding to tell them I indeed am but he told me in front of them that he will zip his mouth out of respect for me.. and he left.. I went to talk to him in his car outside,, and he was crying he told me he felt heart broken,, he said he feels all those time, effort, and energy he put into this relationship is going to waste and burning down.. thats how he felt.. I felt terrible but I still told him that he needs to treat me better if he wants me to do anything for him.. he needs to stop putting me down.. and tell me things such as .. (your cousins are so hot.. you look like you could be their aunt)...which is so not true.. he said he feels like i dont love him.. he said to him I am a nobody .. I am just a lazy faggot doesnt want to do anything.. he said whatever he asks me to do is for my best interest.. for example he said if he has been pushing me to get a job it is because he wants to buy me a car..and wants to make sure I can pay for the gas.. he said if I step one foot towards him he will step a mile towards me .. he said if i keep being the way i am soon he will send me a text taht will say you have two options.. you either break up with me or i am jumping off a bridge.. that just tells me how sick and tired of me he is.. he said he doesnt know why he is still with me.. after he left.. he sent me a text in which he told he does not want to be mad at me any longer cuz its unproductive, and unnecessary.. he said he still cares about me and doesnt want to make me upset.. but he said i should choose whether i want to listen to what he says and cooperate with him regardless of how he says it to me or i can go on with my life and live it the way i want.. I know he is right.. I know I have not treated him right, and its killing me inside.. its destroying me and i cant stop crying everytime i think about it.. but i have some major problems with him : 1. he doesnt treat me nice.. he always makes fun of me.. 2. he always tells me what to do... 3. he makes of fun in front of other people 4. he has such a short temper, and yells at me in front of my family.. my mom says he has made fun of me so much and just because of the fact that i know he has no faith in me that i dont do the things he wants me to do..to make things worse.. i met a guy from my country and same religion 8 months ago.. from the moment he saw me this guy was crazy about me .. we had been neighbours before, but never knew each other.. he says that I am different from other girls,, he tells me the nicest things taht my bf has not told me for 2 years.. and when i am with my bf i dont even look at guy but there is this mysterious attachment that keep drawing me toward this guy.. and i have told him i have a bf but he says he knows taht i will be his one day,, and he will wait for me forever, he has even asked his mom and come and speak to my mom (thats common in our culture if a guy wants to marry a girl) I know this guy likes me but its just that he is insane about me.. he cant go to sleep unless he hears my voice.. i feel so guilty for talking to him.. so guilty that i even cry when i am talking to him on the phone.. and thats when he says .. he is there for me as just a friend, and we talk hours about how i feel toward my bf..he never gives me any advice just listens to me.. the only thing that keeps pulling me toward him is that all the things he tells me that my bf says the opposite.. my bf knows i am smart, but he thinks i am too lazy, and he says the fact that i am just wasting my life bothers him.. my bf says he will never meet a girl as sweet as me . .he says thats one thing he knows for sure.. but he wants a superwoman.. someone who goes to school, has a part time job, comes home and cleans.. but thats just not me.. i am too lazy..and thats why my bf says i am a fag.. but this new guy says having me is the biggest wish that he has had.. and says i am too great but i just donno about it.. with this new guy his education is not at the level of my bf.. but he is hard worker,, since he has met me .. even though i have not given him a definite answer.. he works 3 jobs to save money to marry me (pay for the wedding),, and only sleeps 3 hours a day because he comes home very late, but he would rather call me and talk to me than sleep ..he says my voice is like an energy drink lolAnyway so here i am .. i donno what to do.. do i go back to my bf.. and pay him back (which is something that if i dont do i will feel guilty for the rest of my life ) but i know for the two of us to get married we will have to face alot of problems with my family.. and perhaps getting rejected ..do i just let him go without bothering him any more? do i pay him back and then let him so i dont waste his time anymore, i know i would go crazy without him.. just the thought of it drives me insane, but i think he deserves to find the superwoman of his dreams,, and thats just not me.. he loves those housewives of orange county kind of girls who helps their husbands grow their businesses but thats not me.. he is an extrovert who makes friends in a split of a second and i am the exact opposite.. do i go with this new guy who i have a strong feeling will worship me for the rest of his life.. i even asked him what he would do if i dont cook and dont make him tea.. and he said he will do it himself.. he says he knows i am lazy, but he loves everything about me.. what do i do.. my thesis was due two months ago.. and i am still here half way through getting threatened by my supervisor that he is going to kick me out of the program, but i just dont care.. i mean i do care.. but its just i have so much going on in my mind that i cnat even think of what to write.. oh God.. my friends think that i am depressed.. and thats why i dont do anything for my bf.. thats why i dont even do anything for myself..i am too lazy to even go downstairs and get water.. i have been sitting in this room trying to finish this thing, but i am bombarded with thoughts, and donnno what to do .. i know no matter which guy i go with .. i will bad.. if i go with the new guy i will feel guilty for the way i treated my bf for the rest of my life..if i go with my bf , and he keeps treating me like this i am going to regret not going with the guy who claimed to worship me and never make me sad.. and i know it sounds stupid, but i do believe eveyrthing he says..or do i go seek help for my depression?:(
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cousin, depressed, different countries, money, moved in, muslim, neighbour, puts me down, text, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): WOAAAAAAAAH there girl. Slow down for a second! You have a hell of a lot on your plate, and you're so stressed that you can't see the wood for the trees. Everything seems huge, overwhelming, and completely impossible in that kind of state - all you can see is a wall of problems, and solutions feel a long way off. The first thing you need to do is to take a deep breath and STOP for a second. I know you've got a lot to do, but you need to take a day off and do something entirely for yourself, by yourself - something you find calming, restful, and relaxing. It might be shopping, it might be going to the zoo, it might be going on a country walk. Get centred. Get some sleep. Be gentle to yourself. Then come back and read the rest of this post!
The first thing you need to do is to break these problems up into separate entities. When you are faced with a situation in life that seems overwhelming, looking at the mountain you have to climb will only depress you. No-one can deal with making huge life changes all in one go - that is a recipe for disaster and bad decisions. You need to focus on baby steps - on putting one foot in front of the other, and progressing in the right direction.
1. Your depression. This is the first problem to look at, because until you deal with this, the rest of the things you are going through are going to feel impossible. Yes, I believe you need to seek some support and some help through this, mainly because I think you will find meds helpful, but also because it will help to solve some of the problems over your master's thesis. Go see a doctor and get some suitable meds. Get a note at the same time for your supervisor that says you need an extension and some time off. Also, sign up to your uni's counselling service and get some free advice there too. You need time and space to think right now - and those are two things that depression takes away completely.
2. Your MA thesis. Clearly you're going through a lot, and you need more time to submit this. Arrange a meeting with your supervisor, and let him know that you are struggling with clinical depression. Present your doctor's note as evidence. If you need a few weeks out, ask for that. Universities have a duty of care to you, and they're pretty much honour-bound to do whatever doctors tell them to do regarding students. Please remember that you are NOT requesting for an unfair advantage here - you are sick, and unable to complete your thesis at the moment because of that.
3. STOP with both guys. You need time out! Clearly, the relationship with your boyfriend has become very toxic indeed, and there is a lot of behaviour going on that is completely poisonous and unacceptable. However, given the other circumstances of stress in your life, I don't think it's necessarily a good idea for you to fly from one relationship into another one straight away, and I'm not sure you're in a happy frame of mind to make decisions. Therefore, I suggest that you ask for space with BOTH gentlemen. Explain to them both that you are unhappy, hurt, confused, and sick, and that you need time to get your thesis finished, and to think about where things are going and what the future holds. Tell them that in two months, or three, you will be in a position to make a decision, but until then you need to have time and space to yourself.
Clearly there are major issues between you and your boyfriend, and much will depend on whether you're willing to put in the time and effort to repair those. It will take patience, care, and compromise from both of you to do so. On his side, the comments that you are lazy are plain hurtful and need to stop straight away. What he's doing here is abusive. You should absolutely not be having to choose between your own independent life and career and being a housewife!
Just one nugget of thought for you over the longer term, and that is this: no relationship can survive someone putting themselves first all of the time. Eventually such behaviour will absolutely make the other person feel used, unwanted, and resentful. I don't care how much this new guy says he'll do everything himself and will worship the very ground you walk on - the cold, and somewhat unromantic truth is that the art of successful relationships is the art of compromise, which means that you quite often have to do a lot of stuff that you really would rather not do because it's boring, and you're tired, and you had a rough day at work... but you do it because you love the other person more than all that put together and that smile your kindness brings to their face makes it all worthwhile. I'm not saying you have to be an Orange County housewife - far from it! In good relationships, ultimately, you get back what you put out there. Please understand that I'm not saying that you are at all to blame for the situation with your current partner - I don't believe this is your 'fault'. I just think it might be something that helps you think through the situation in 2-3 months' time, when you're rested and ready.
But these are all questions for the future. Right now you really do need to think of yourself. Take time and space and try to reduce the pressure that you're under. Don't rush major decisions, and feel confident that you both need and deserve time to think things through. Take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Also, if you do choose to leave your boyfriend, paying him back sounds right and shows character. But again, before you date anyone else, you need to build up the self-esteem this man has taken from you and of course, you need to focus on your career. Then, you can figure out some of what you want and need out of life. IF you ever move to return to your bf, draw up conditions : he talks down to you-you're walking away. He can't accept you as you are-you walk away. He calls you names-you walk away. No arguments. IF you choose this second man, make it known to him that you want/need to go slow. If he truly cares for you, he'll understand. I can't tell you who to choose, you alone know your heart. But, I will say that the first man needs to change and with the second, you need to tread carefully if you choose to start something with him. You might be feeling an attraction because he's giving you the sweetness your bf isn't...I wish you the best and good luck with your degree! You've come a long way :)
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (8 October 2010):
Wow...that's a lot of stress to handle. To me your current boyfriend is hovering over the abusive line, calling you names and putting you down in front of others is NO way to treat someone you love. I'm guessing that's why you don't feel like cooking for him etc etc and as for the cleaning, you're not a maid. It would be better if everyone in the house took turns. But, I don't suggest you jump to this new man immediatly. He's being very sweet but all men act wonderful and perfect at first. Your boyfriend sure did. It doesn't sound like he respects you as much as you deserve, even your relatives have noticed. So hon, maybe you need to get your own place or move back in with your parents. You need time to yourself so you can get over some of this depression and think clearly. Sometimes, we cannot see clearly because we are right in the middle of the dark mess. Getting away from your bf for a while (and keeping busy) will tell you a lot. You will miss him at 1st (its normal), but you need this time.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 I think you should go and see a doctor, there has to be something wrong when you dont have the will or the life in you to do something simple like make a cup of tea, go to your doctor and explain to him how you are feeling he will be able to help you.
As for your boyfriend ok so he done everything for you and it now looks like he is giving up because he doesnt feel like you love him in return, but it is wrong of him to put you down, call you names and make fun of you, this is not fair, ok so he is fed up because you wont do anything for him but it still doesnt make it right the way he is treating you, i think it would be best if you ended this relationship because if you are depressed then he is only goin to make you worse by putting you down all the time. Tell him you need to break up and get your life sorted, and at the end of the day you dont owe him anything he is the one that done all these things for you, you never asked him for it therefore you dont owe him anything, so i think its best if you break up and get your head sorted.
Once you have been to your doctor and he has helped you take some time on your own to rebuild your life and get on with your college work, once you are independant and happy then maybe you could make a future for yourself with this other guy but take things slowely and dont rush in to anything with him, and certainly dont get married to him until you know for 100% that you are both compatible spend alot of time gettin to know him and spending time together.
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male
reader, London_Boy +, writes (6 October 2010):
I think right now you need to put these two guys out of your head move back in with your parents and concentrate on your career because right now your in a downward spiral where you will end up with depression and no career your bf doesn't sound like a nice person trying to control you not good and this other fella sounds nice but some people change he might not feel the same if or when you do start going out together don't worry about feeling bad about your boyfriend paying for things thats what couples do they help each other out it seems like he has treated you worse than you have treated him
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male
reader, ScottsCove  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Get a Grad school Loan, move out, get a cheap old car, and ask him to date you. If he's doing all this waiting around it sounds like he's kind of wussy and now getting irritated about it like it's not his fault or something.
Tell him you can't help it if you were born overseas and had to learn this culture. He didn't get to pick his parents either. Tell him you're greatful but he needs to listen to the Aretha Franklin song for his sake and yours R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
If you both can't make the adjustment then it's doomed anyway.
Good luck with all that. I hope you finish your masters soon and get a good job.
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