A
male
age
51-59,
*averocks
writes:I'm a happily married man 39yo. I was working with a really nice woman of similar age and we got on like a house on fire. There was a lot of relationship type hinting going on. Then came the X-Mas party.She ran up to me when i appeared and we had a ball. We laughed, joked, danced and carried on as we usually did. She asked me outside at one stage even though I am not a smoker and I got the wrong idea. I had been drinking a lot more than usual. I asked her to go off side with me and she firmly said no. I accepted this but being sloppy with drink cept battering away at the issue. At one point I remember putting my hand behind me as she passed and touched the top of her boot. The nite soon came to an end. Next day I felt she would not be too happy with my behaviour: she wasn't. She confronted me outside the office and said she was disappointed w my behaviour. She said I put my arms around her and put my hand on her leg. I replied honestly that I didn't remember doing this but that I accepted I had and apologised. Later that day I repeated this apology profusly. She seemed reasonably happy and we shook hands. Since then she has avoided me and I have been feeling sick about it. It is filling my days and makes me wish I'd never set eyes on her. Yet when I remember how well we got on before the incident and how our working relationship lightened the day I could cry.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 December 2007):
 The problem began when you and the woman got along like a house on fire. Both of you had that "feeling" of what could happen.........
The thing is....you're not available. Although it's easy to fall into the trap, you jumped in willingly. You knew you were attracted to her and the booze gave you the courage. You stated, "she firmly said no". I guess you didn't clearly understand her firmly stated comments????
What you did was your fault, not hers. Women have to really struggle to figure out where men are coming from. If she thought of you as a buddy, you proved her wrong. Women can be friends with guys much easier than the reverse. Irish was right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): Many people disagree with what I say, Dave. :) I am very immune to that, on this site. I said what I felt was needed. Good luck and cherish the bounty of love and family, this holiday season. Merry Christmas.
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male
reader, Daverocks +, writes (22 December 2007):
Daverocks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply by the way I49. I would disagree w a lot of what you have written but I think you have hit the nail on the head w some of your key comments and I will take them on board.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): I stand by my posting. And no, I do not think all men are bastards, hun. I just think there are 'people' who can be unthinking/bad, in the way they conduct their lives. This has nothing to do with gender differences or whether I had negative experiences with some errant male in my past. If a wife had written the same letter, I would have told her the same thing. This is a character flaw. Some people claim to be happy but lack the self-control and honorable character to remain faithful to their life partners. So you have to be mature enough, to clearly anticipate some fallout here. You were, indeed, looking to cheat, irregardless..no question. Listen, you got shot down by this female--plain and simple. And although you never mentioned anything of her lack of restraint in your original posting, the fact remains, she didn't post this...you did. You had intent. So I can only respond to your behaviors. So with that knowlege, I have to say: the choices you make in your behaviors are well within your control.
"Now "you" feel humiliated and ashamed? Now "you" are wishing you never set eyes on her? Oh my. The irony of it all"
This comment had nothing to do with my own life experiences. I said that because I have a hard time with people who consciously make the choice to do 'wrong' and then they complain loudly when their feelings get hurt and they can't take responsibilty for their actions. I tire of that old card played by people who state "I am happily married but....I'm upset with this other person who rejected my advances to have sex" Wha? Funny, how that pervasive, insidious attitude remains stuck in the brain. "How could she do this to me?" You should be asking "how could you be doing this to your wife and family, sir?"
When individuals give themselves permission to do anything they want (like you did, in this case)...they will ultimately pay a huge price and risk being lonely and sad. If you could just understand that the integrity of your actions, your regard for your promise and pledge to your marriage, your honesty--all this will give you the ability to be influenced 'away from' the short lived thrill/seduction of trying to 'boink' the office girl...then others in your life, like your wife and family, who will always be comfortable and secure with you. Therefore you will never, ever be alone..you will always be loved. The issue of one's loyalty and devotion to one's marriage is what I am trying to get across to you. If you can't be devoted to your wife...and you are unhappy...then maybe you should be focusing on repairing that and finding a solution with her.
As for me, married 23 years..no infidelity. Divorced. In a happy, committed relationship the past 5 years-no infidelity. Unusual? No, not at all. I know a ton of happily married couples, who remain true-blue to each other. Oh, I am sure-they had challenges in their relationships, but they worked at it--together. Some of us just choose to behave better than others.
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A
male
reader, Daverocks +, writes (22 December 2007):
Daverocks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! Irish49, am i ever chastised. You sure kicked my butt, and I think you caught the sense of where she’s coming from. 'Why do men who want to blatantly cheat on their wives’I think you are being too simplistic I49. I am not setting out to cheat on my wife but the reality is that you meet people and get to like them and that can lead to stronger feelings or whatever. The motivation and intention is not to cheat but life is complex. ‘ --alway state...that they are 'happily married men'?'I suppose I mean happily married up to this, but we don’t just become ‘happily married’ and remain so w no ups and downs, doubts and wishful thinking. I suppose you could say I am undergoing a ‘doubts and wishful thinking’ stage. ‘You made the all too common error of 'assuming' she wanted to have a fling with you. She wanted to be just friends and when you drunkenly groped her, she got pissed off’A very easy error to make I’m sure you’ll agree. Perhaps she did want to have a fling and decided against at the last minute; perhaps she was leading me on for a gas; perhaps she was totally innocent of any of the above yet she had no problem indulging in sexual innuendo on a regular basis. For whatever reason she has to accept some of the ‘blame’ for the position we are in. Alright, I have to accept the majority share of blame, but then if a relationship is to develop it is more likely to be up to the male to instigate it IMO. Important to add as well that I drunkenly groped, but she was also drunk, we both bought drinks for each other. ‘Now "you" feel humiliated and ashamed? Now "you" are wishing you never set eyes on her? Oh my. The irony of it all’I can see that your answer is very much based on your own personal negative experience of similar situations which may not be exactly comparable w mine. You seem to have a hint of ‘all men are bad’ syndrome, am I right?I didn’t say I felt either ‘humiliated and ashamed’, just that I am sorry that a perfectly good working relationship has been negatively affected. I would also say that I think she is making a mountain out of a molehill. ‘Focus on being that 'happily married man' and just leave her alone. And please. Learn something from all this.’Not sure if I can ‘focus on being that 'happily married man'’ (whatever that means) or that I can leave her alone. I have been faithful to my wife for 18 years, can you say the same re-your own partner?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): I have to ask...I can't hold it in anymore. Why do men who want to blatantly cheat on their wives --alway state in these postings on this site, that they are 'happily married men'? I don't get that. Anyways, you messed up. You made the all too common error of 'assuming' she wanted to have a fling with you. She wanted to be just friends and when you drunkenly groped her, she got pissed off. Now "you" feel humiliated and ashamed? Now "you" are wishing you never set eyes on her? Oh my. The irony of it all. Listen, go to work, be a gentlemen from now on and let this ride out. In a few months, life will be back to normal and your ego will recover from her stinging rejection. There is nothing you can do. She doesn't want to be a friend anymore. Focus on being that 'happily married man' and just leave her alone. And please. Learn something from all this. Good luck
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