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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ok. I don't know what y'all can do for me, but I have this little problem. I met this 32 y/old girl (no kids, no ring) from a rough background and we hit it off nice, I mean I was different (or so she thought at first) from every guy from around her way, and I could see qualities in her (whether I fabricated them in my mind or not) that were good and pure and admirable. She worked with troubled kids, and had a very gentle streak, and could be very loving. Well, we went a while, and then it ended. And the way she deals with breakup is to make me the arch-villain in her mind and everything I say to be a lie or something. The reality is, we both hurt each other, but whatever. I'm a big boy, I can handle if she not in my camp, but I have recently begun to worry about some of the lifestyle choices she's been making since the breakup. All that progress we had made she seems to have just thrown away because she has apparently lost faith in me, and everything I represent.. I know this, cuz when I tried to tell her she would make a great mother and wife someday, and not to use how things ended between us to justify any bad decisions, she called me a "just another jailbird trying to reach out" to her.. Yeah, I had to urban dictionary it:Jailbird- A person with many alter egos and whom doesn't know s***. Never believe what Jailbird tells you because it's most likely wrong. So, she has NO trust for me whatsoever. Thats what I glean from that. The problem with this is, I still feel like I'm one of the best influences in her life. Its mad annoying because she usually goes the opposite way I ask her to, just to spite me, cuz I'm apparently this jailbird..So my question is, how do I keep her from sinking into a more and more destructive lifestyle? Do I just forget it and hope she rights herself, because I don't seem to be helping? Or is there another way? I care about her, and I want to see her do good, even it it ain't with me.-Gabe Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help.
This is a pretty difficult time for me. I just worry about her so much. Yeah she doesn't have kids by me (or at all), and as to whether I have caused her too much trauma, it really is hard to tell sometimes. She is after all, as you said, an adult who has had her fair share of trouble. And she's always acting too cool for school and hiding/suppressing whatever is beneath her surface, until it just storms up. As to being her friend, that's quite impossible, even if I wish otherwise. If she views me as multi ego and full of s***, then I don't think that's a good base for any kind of relationship, friendship included.
I guess you are right in that I can't decide much for her, I can only decide the type of man I will be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): It's so admirable that you want to help her out. But I wonder if it's really your responsibility?
I know the feeling that you've influenced someone and that you've become part of their lives, and that the decisions they make must have at least something to do with you. But I would also cut myself some slack!
You say she's 32 and from a rough background. That sounds to me like she's an adult, and she's had her fair share of trouble before you even arrived on the scene. So she can make her own decisions and sadly, live with the bad consequences if there are any.
Sounds to me like she is damaged, trying to sort some things out for herself, and has some resentment for you. Neither you or I can say what really is going on inside her head. All you can do is decide what kind of a guy you are, what it means for you to keep your integrity etc, and then know when you've done your bit and when to step back.
I think it's amazing that you are pushing through even though she doesn't trust you. Maybe take some time out from being the "best influence in her life"? (that would make me feel like crap if I was her).
You guys aren't involved anymore, and unless you've left her with a kid or some kind of serious trauma, you owe her very little. You have to trust that some people have their own paths in life, some take a little longer etc.
Just be her friend and she'll be alright, eventually.
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