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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I need some advice! I have been married for 10 years and I want to finish my relationship with my husband. Both have 41. I am not happy with my husband because we have to much problems, one of those problems are his parents health that has made him so attached at them and for him his family is the first thing in his life. When we married he left his 10 year job and now it seems that he cant find nothing stable to do, he doesn´t finish what he starts when it comes to work. Most of the time he want´s to dominate me, seems that he likes to rule my life. I have been living overseas since 2002 and in the country I am at, I don´t have no family. I feel lonely. He said to me that he is happy having me as his wife. Now he wants to buy a house. A week ago I told him that I wanted to leave him and travel back to the U.S. where two members of my family live. He beg me to stay and I told him that if we finally buy a house and will stay with him for one more year (until 2007) and if it doesn´t work we will split. I am doing the right thing? Should I move now o give him a last chance to change after ten years of marriage? Thanks you all for the advice!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): Thanks so much for the advice! When it comes to love, I still love my husband but, I believe that is like a "feel sorry" feeling. Before we married, he always planned for us to own a house, and I always stopped him because we traveled around until we finally settled in 2002 at his home country. Now after four years living overseas, he wants to buy a house. My husband believes that the one has has a problem of unhappiness is me & not him, he saids that he loves me. He doesn´t want to go with me for counseling. I just hope that if I will give him another chance of trying to recuperate my lack of happiness on my marriage by buying a house, that I know that just trying to buy something might not be the solution, this will not turn on a "mission impossible" divorce!!!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 May 2006):
 You seem to have a lot of complaints about the relationship, including that he dominates you, his family comes before you, you don't have any family where you live, your husband isn't reliably employed and you're lonely. Those problems aren't going to change just because you buy a house.
Would leaving your husband solve all those problems? Probably not, though it might solve some of them.
What I notice is missing in your letter is any indication of how you feel about each other. You don't say that you love, or even like, him. All he tells you is that he's "happy" with you as his wife. Why is that? Have your feelings for him changed at all in the ten years you've been married? Have his?
If not, and yours is a marriage "in name only", then you might as well split from each other now. Buying a house together is an expense that isn't likely to be recouped in a year, and might only prolong your unhappiness together while adding debt to your list of problems.
The only reason you might consider sticking it out is if you once loved each other, and your affection has faded over time, and you want to get that back. Even then, you should be prepared to work hard, with the help of a competent marriage counsellor, to save the relationship.
Please talk to your husband, and lay your concerns on the table. He may not even be aware of the depth of your unhappiness. He may be willing to go to counselling with you if he knows that you're so unhappy you're about to walk away.
I wish you well.
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