A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a college student. A year ago I met this spectacular person. We both have the same - erm - learning disabilities, spectral disorders, and share a TON of the same habits in that we have them, and express them in the exact same way, to the exact same extent... on top of that, physically [aside from being opposite genders, and the differences that brings with it] we share an uncanny amount of similarities as well. As a result, we bonded quite quickly, and went into a relationship approximately two months after we started gettng to know each other. It was like magic - we understood each other, communicated spectacularly... still had arguments, but they were quickly resolved, and we made up nicely. During the latter part of the spring semester a friend joined our ranks and she began getting a LITTLE crush-y, but not enough where it became a problem since she was still in control, and things were kept in check - the guy, knowing the consequences of letting things get out of hand, isolated himself for a while and didn't want to ruin things between us. [$5 says you know where this is going]Then the fall semester comes into play, and things go downhill. The crushy-ness becomes infatuation. She becomes flirty - and eventually the guy gives in, even talking behind my back to her about breaking up with me [and not once talking to her about him not being in to her, and not wanting her to ruin the relationship she is in] - which in turn allows it to become an unhealthy obsession. Around Thanksgiving we split - as her obsessiveness made her feel like she wants to be with him.This guy wanted to be friends with me after all this - a move that feels scummy as hell - though especially lately keeps avoiding me.In the time since then she has been bottling up her feelings on this, has isolated friends she has who really care about her. I managed to talk to her before the semester ended - once with just her - with the guy joining in, the second just the two of us. When it was just us, she was clearly confused, but talking with her was a lot easier [to the point where she admitted she was "throwing away" a good thing - if she felt in actuality like things were going good, and she really wanted these changes/she'd be better off, I doubt it would be "thowing away" anything]. When the guy joined in, it was like looking at a Jekyll and Hyde transformation. She would say things like having never felt strongly about anybody before this guy - which everybody we [her and I] hanged out with, who saw us together - would instantaneously be able to say is a load of BS. Usually, though not the most social of people, when somebody she knew said hello, she would say hello back, nod, or whatnot - now she either doesn't respond at all, or even LAUGHS at them. She NEVER hangs around where my other friends hang around, and has trouble talking about problems [and I have reason to believe he is making it hard fo her to think about and talk aboutthings - including her real feelings vs this obsession] She is being lead on - which I heard from a few of the guy's close friends - since he has never had a GF before/the attention of a GF. To make matters worse, whenever she has made a mistake that hurt others, and is being mislead herself, and realizes that those things have happened, she beats herself up badly - the longer things drag on, the worse she beats herself up. To make matters even weirder, I have strong reason to believe she is being lied to the dude is bi, she knows - and when she learned was strongly put off by it/the idea of going both ways, so why would he tell her that he has had a BF before/been in some sort of relationship before? [Also, did I mention that one of her trigger points, anger wise, is being liked to/taken advantage of for personal gain by others?]My questions:- What exactly do you guys think is going on?- What if anything can be done? Our friends know, and I have talked to a counselor about it [who has seen both of us, and seen us together before], so there is not much more if anything that CAN be done, but it is hard to sit back and do nothing when you KNOW that things are bad, this person is on a dangerous road, and you [and these friends] care about her well being. If things were more extreme, I'd consider an intervention- What should I be aware of so far as if/when things fall apart between them? What should I expect to have to deal with so far as the guy, her, etc?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't get me wrong, she had her own set of things going on. She has trouble facing problems - and this attraction bothered her because she knew it was not good - and hurting a great relationship she was in. TBH though, there is more he could have done - yes she did go after him, but at the same time, knowing the reasons were superficial [for being attracted to him] and that there were actions on his part that could have saved things, well, I'd say he shares at least part of the blame. My only reason for mentioning the bi part is that she already expressed being put off to the point where knowing he has had a BF in the past would have wrecked any chance he would have with her, hence my suspicion.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2013):
 I am not sure how your friend is leading her on. I would imagine him trying to experiment a relationship with a girl. This guy wants to be friends with you to lessen the guilt of stealing your girlfriend. More accurately your ex pursued him.
Your friends may be sympathizing with you, trying to bring out bad points of them being together. She doesn't talk to your friends anymore because obviously your friends are on your side. I actually see it very simply. If this guy does not love women enough your ex will feel it. She can only stay with him as long as he makes her happy. The only possible evil I see in this guy is that he two times men and women at the same time, like hooking up with guys behind her back. Bisexual people can be faithful. They can be attracted to men and women but that doesn't mean they can't stick with one person.
You care about her a lot but I don't see her as a victim here. She has free will and can love, make mistakes and learn. I think you are obsessed with your ex, and with things out of your control
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