A
male
age
30-35,
*idici4
writes:I’ve been best friends with a girl for several years now, but recently I moved away to university and have found that she is what I miss most from home. We had always been close from the beginning of our relationship; I had helped her through a difficult time at school regarding the departure of her abusive father. We have been close ever since. Back at home we’d see each other most days, and then phone each other for hours on end when we weren’t together. It was just the best friendship possible; we would laugh and joke when we were happy and talk out each others problems when we weren’t. When I first moved it was business as usual; obviously we didn’t see each other but we would speak on the phone like usual. I missed her greatly, and she admitted to breaking down to her mother several times because she missed me so much as well, but she hated her uni and after speaking to me about it, decided that there was no option other than for her to quit. I supported her in this as she was being made miserable by it. So she started working full time at a clothes shop. Her job made her busier than usual and the frequency and length of our phone calls steadily declined until the current situation, which is that she phones me for perhaps five minutes on her way to work in the morning, and, if I’m lucky, for five minutes on her way back. I wouldn’t mid but her evenings are usually free, and it just feels like she’s forgetting about me, perhaps on purpose? It feels like she is trying to fob me off with the minimum of contact just to stop me moaning at her. Alongside this, at about the same time she quit uni, she began telling me that she was bored with life, as she had not had a boyfriend for nearly a year. She subsequently went to a party with some of our old friends from school and ended up being asked on a date by one guy (she neglected to tell me that it was a date and not just going out with a friend until the day before, which probably hurt the most so far). It was at this point that I started to realise that I have feelings for her romantically (or at least I think I do, I’ve never done the whole ‘love’ thing before, and am having a hard time separating it from simply missing her like crazy). Anyway, our phone calls started becoming slightly more frequent, but I felt myself having horrible feelings towards this guy. I know him, and its not that he’s a bad bloke or anything, but just that I feel he will take her away from me, both in the potential romantic capacity and in the capacity of taking up her time, which she already has little of. So I went home this weekend just gone, and spent a lot of time with her. We went out for a meal on Friday night and spent all day Sunday together (she was with him on Saturday night?). We had a great time, and I was glad to hear that she considers this new guy just someone to pass her time, as to be honest I never really believed that she had true feelings for him from the start. I also became concerned because at one point I found myself looking at her while we watched a movie and just thinking how beautiful she is (sorry for the soppyness!), and when we hugged to say goodbye I nearly cried, which is not like me at all. Now I am back at uni and missing her terribly; our phone calls have dried up to a two minute conversation at the beginning of each day and very rarely anything else. Is she trying to forget about me? Or is it just that she’s busy? She seems to be able to talk to this new guy when he demands it at half 11 at night, so why can she not speak to me when I phone at half 7? She’s going to his tonight straight after work. I just feel so helpless about the whole situation; its perfect when we’re together but when I’m here its like purgatory! I have such a mess of feeling right now and I can’t make any sense of them. Please, any opinions? Sorry to ramble on but I think that gives a pretty good overview of our relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): I think it sounds like she has made a new life and it does sound a bit too 'convenient' to just slot you in whilst on route to and from places. Usually thats a really inconvenient time to talk for most people. You have clearly had a big friendship so you need other support networks of your own to replace that and your energy and emotion may be better spent building that up around you.
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (19 November 2008):
 Hi there, from what you describe this sounds like what all kids go though when they leave home and go out into the real world on their own.
The 20s are the hardest time emotionally for people. You are lonely, homesick, leaving childhood behind and entering the not so comfortable world of adulthood.
Relationships change throughout life. a lot of people will come and go regardless how close you are. You will probably always stay in touch with your friend. I'm not sure exactly what your situation is. Are you saying that you are in another city and you call her every night? That she now has a job and a boyfriend?
If that is the case she is not going though the same thing as you are and she doesn't understand how difficult it is to leave home behind and start fresh in a strange place that you have no personal ties with.
Most kids who leave home for school go though this. That doesn't make it any easier, but this is what happens to almost everyone when you are young, move away from HOME, and are in the position of having to meet new people.
Are there any clubs you can join that you would meet people that have similar interests? This sounds like a case of homesickness and being lonely and that you don't want to let go of the past because it was so comfortable.
Once you make the decision to meet new people you will find there are others to be close with and enjoy very good times.
She is probably busy and not trying to get rid of you and perhaps she feels helpless to be of help you need since you might have problems that she is unable to deal with. I'm sure she loves you but she is young and it is an overwhelming feeling to be there for a friend who is so far away and nothing she can really do. Try not to call her so often. Do everything you can to meet new people.
I hope what I've said makes sense. What you are experiencing is part of growing up and is very normal, even though its a very lonely time in life.
Don't worry! You will have new friends and probably be friends with this girl your whole life. There is really nothing she can do to help you out of this because you are far away and she has a life as well to deal with.
Find a counseler to talk with as they know about what kids go though.
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