A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What to do?Last night in a fit of temper following an argument with my boyf, i decided to go through his SMS inbox behind his back. at the time i justified it to myself by telling myself it was ok because he had done this to me in the past, and it was something i had never done before in our 4 years together(and told myself it was something i would never do...). Anyway, whether this was karma giving me my comeuppance or not, i came across dozens of text messages between him and his ex girlfriend that had been going back and forth over the past approx. 8 months, many of them of a highly inappropriate nature. he had told me initially that she had made contact with him because she wanted to clear up any bad feelings about their past (they parted on very bad terms) but he made saying that he was only 'humouring' her for career reasons as they work in the same sector and this is a 'small town' where contacts are important. as i trust(ed) him, i accepted this explanation and didnt make anything of it. Of course I had thought we were totally open with each other but now I am astounded and feel there is a whole other side to him i don't know about. i haven't said anything to him yet as i feel what i have done is a serious breach of trust, and with other things going on in my life at the moment I'm not sure i can cope with the turmoil that would arise from the situation, but yet i am extremely concerned and getting angrier by the minute at their behaviour and of course want to put a stop to such contact outright and straight away. I might add that alot of the inappropriate behaviour appeared to be coming from her part - and yes, I am aware that women tend to always blame other women and not the man for their behaviour in these situations- but still, it was she who intiated contact in the beginning, and not only that but KEPT trying get 'at' him by constantly intiating contact thereafter, calling him 'hon' and 'babe', inviting him constantly for coffee, drinks, dinner, and eventually moving on to calling him good looking, talking about how her own good looks and how other women feel threatend by her figure, talking about her intimate tattoo and her sex life(!!) and her personal life... worst of all, she mentioned in one text that he had texted her when on a drunken night out to say he loved her, which, from what i can gather, he denied.Even typing all this makes me feel disbelief that i haven't said anything about it, or haven't just ended things immediately... So how do i confront him on this? how should i approach it, what should i say? i don't like to dictate who he can and cannot speak to but obviously i don't trust that girl, and not sure how much i trust him any more. if i ask him never to speak to her again, maybe he'll just continue with it but be more careful in future... he's a headstrong guy who doesn't like to be told what to do but underneath it he's a good guy. i feel physically sick thinking about the whole thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thank you all for your advice!
i eventually talked to him about it and surprisingly it was all very calm. i suppose seeing as he'd done the same thing to me himself previously he couldn't make a big scene.
we've talked about her a few times since & he has emphatically told me i have nothing to worry about, that i'm the one for him etc & that he ignored her when she wrote that stuff to him. (i also found out she's married & has 2 children which makes it all even more weird/despicable...)
i did get the feeling he was being a bit economical with the truth in a way, & that maybe he might have encouraged her in some way... maybe seeing stringing her along as a form of revenge for hurting him before. of course that's playing with fire. she seems to thrive on attention.
boo22, you did pick up on sth when you asked if there was anything in our rel'ship that needed some attention as we'd been going thru some v stressful times in the past year or so with work, finances, family etc.
so the best way forward i guess is just to focus our energies on us & then hopefully he won't feel the need to 'amuse' himself by contacting that girl.and i might make the odd enquiry too, just to be sure... ;-)
thanks again.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 You could think of a clever way to bring it up out of the blue..."Do you ever hear from X anymore?"...If he says "yes" then listen to his answer. If he volunteers the info about their messages, it will give you the opptunity to tell him that you think it's a bad idea, a violation of trust and you want him to end it now. (Then check up on him later to make sure he does). If he doesn't come clean you have a much BIGGER problem. Not only is he doing something that violates your trust, but he's lying to your face. It'll be up to you at that point, if you want to break up with him. You still don't have to tell him how you know. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 hiya, try and remember that this ex of his cannot take him away from you, no matter how hard she tries, unless he wants to be taken.This is all very raw and shocking to you at the minute so don't do anything for now. See how you feel in a few days.You need to think about whether you want to be with this guy long term or not and take it from there.Do you think theres something missing in your relationship thats causing these problems? If so, take action to repair this issue. She sounds like she needs an ego boostand has come looking for it via your bf.Work on getting you two back on track if thats what you want, and his ex gf scenario will probably go away on its own.
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A
female
reader, slen +, writes (25 September 2009):
 end of the day u cant old it in forever it is either gona come out in a blazing row or u are going to have to admit that u went thru his sms be warned this happened me b4 and like u i found stuff i wish i never wen i confronted him, he said i went nosying thru his stuff and i seen thing i wish i hadnt, i opened pandora's box and now i had to live wit wat i seen. he truely believed i envaded his private life and it was up to me how i dealt with it. he truned it to me for not trusting him. needless to say i am no longer with him... just be warned ur in a tricky situationhope this helps xx
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