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anonymous
writes: Hello,I have been married to my husband for 6 months and been going out for 18 months. when we met our sex life was intense and the core of our relationship. It is what bonded us.....Now after giving birth to our son who is now 5 months old, I find that our sex life is non-existant. It is as if he has lost all enthusiasm and before I was his sex goddess. At first I thought it was because I was a little podgy and had stretchmarks. I felt ugly and started to be depressed and self conscious so tried to do myself up with more makeup etc and now I've more than regained my svelte figure. I have brought the subject up several times to try to resolve the problem because we always try to talk about our problems, but now I feel likeI'm begging. Now I've discovered that he has been looking at secret porn and ringing premium sex lines and looking at internet sites. So I know he has not lost his sex drive like he said he had. Is it me? Is my marriage doomed? I absolutely adore my husband and I desperatly need to be physically/sexually connected with him. I know he loves me and would never have an affair. But not having that intimacy is affecting me greatly.What should I do??Thank you C
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): My husband went right off sex when our first child was born, an assisted conception and emergency section. Our second child was IVF. The second child is now seven and there has been no sex for at least five years and not much, just once or twice, before then. I gave up, it felt like begging and I felt I needed my dignity, after a while expressed my hurt. I have to live with the fact that with a young family my sex life ended when I was 33, but the marriage has survived. You have to decide if celibacy is for you, and if not, find another relationship / go single again. I think it is unusual for this to happen to a man, but the childbitrth thing can trigger some hormone reaction, they are supposed to get over it!
A reader, Kiv, writes (11 February 2005): C, Not knowing all the details of your relationship other than what it sounds like, I'd say you're in for a ride. It sounds like the two of you had a whirlwind love affair, that led to a pregnancy, that obliged a wedding. I think you should consider your ages and ask yourself if your relationship was ever headed for marriage in the first place. Were either of you ready for what happened? Assuming neither the worst nor the best, you have a child in the house and that WILL affect sex drive. You both enjoyed the ability to be excitable at any time. Now, he may have backed off because he knows that if he gets himself excited at the wrong time, he will be competing with the baby's feeding time. We all know that baby cries will always beat booty calls. The internet doesn't change when the baby cries, and it doesn't have mood swings. You're in a tough situation, but your marriage isn't doomed. Don't make sex the priority now. Nurture your relationship and your family. Be sexy for him. That doesn't mean make-up. That means longing in your eyes, grace in your movement, and diet/exercise to overcome the stress of the pregnancy and your own insecurities goes a long way. If you want long-term/forever, you have to be best friends first. Make time for him, alone time. He will come around, and when he does, be available for him with all your pent up passion and rock his world. Good luck.
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A reader, paul, writes (10 February 2005): sorry being a male I have had the same thing with the wife since she got pregnant. It was just the same: she went off sex, she gave birth. I had done my own reading on being pregnant and it said you go one of two ways: always after sex or zero sex. Obviously I was on the second one.So once my boy was born I was overjoyed. I thought sex would be back on the sheets. Unluckly that was not the case and it went on and on. I spoke to the wife about it and she had no reason for it. I thought it might have had to do with breast feeding. Things got worse; I was unhappy and she did not see it and I was resenting her. So i went on the internet and found that during and after pregnancy both partners can have a complex about sex and pregnancy. So your partner might be thinking about you and your baby. Ihave now gone through this three times and the third time is no easier than the first. however I now relise that it is something that happens in quite a few relationships and it is not always the mother that is so against having sexual relationships, but it comes on both sides. More and more it is the partner thinking that they have lost you due to the new baby. Try putting time for you and your partner aside to do things together in your home. What you used to do before your baby was born. Even if it is just watching TV sitting next to each other instead of lying on the couch.Thinking u can get twenty mins while the baby's on the thirty minute sleep. Popping things into every day life what you used to do before will make your partner think that not much has changed.Good luck and I will be there again next week trying the same things again.
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