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anonymous
writes: I could really do with some help!!OK, well am a 36 year old guy who is still single, mostly been single for all my life apart from a few weeks here and there when I've tried to date ladies. The trouble is, I just seem to panic and run away when it starts to get past the couple of weeks stage. Usually things have progressed to a pretty personal level by then and the thought that maybe she is trying to trap me by getting pregnant, etc, just starts to all freak me out. I just end up running away from them and I'm unable to carry on the relationship.I live at home with my mother, just the two of us after my father died when I was 18, whether this has anything to do with me getting scared all the time I'm just not sure. It's not that I dont come across the odd lady who wants to be with me, I'm chatting a lot with a nice girl at the moment but I just know that if I let things go further it would all happen again and I would get in a terrible mess again.I dont think I want to carry on my life being this way, but I don't know what to do, I really don't want to carry onAny ideas would be very kindThankyou Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 April 2005):
 Hi there,You sound like a sweet, sincere guy, but I really think that you need to do some growing up. Not just the living-with-Mum thing (because there could be real family or economic reasons you still live there, even though it's kind of symptomatic of your fears), but more that you need to learn to take a few risks in your life, in order to get closer to women who might make you happy. Being a functioning adult can be terrifying and chancy at times, but you won't be able to hide from that forever. Well, you might, but you'll never successfully share your life with someone else, if you don't take a few risks in your romantic relationships. The choices that you've made in your life up until now have probably been the "safe" ones, and that includes running away when your relationships start to develop intimacy.You're lucky in that you're clearly intelligent and introspective and have recognised that this is a recurrent problem. Someone less sharp might not have recognised that the common factor in every relationship you've had is... you.You need to start small and take small gambles, to prove to yourself that nothing terrible will happen if you do, and to reassure yourself that, even if things don't go completely right, you'll still cope. The bigger hazard, and your ultimate goal, is to allow yourself to find a long-term relationship with a woman, with all the inherent, frightening risks that entails.Just move at a comfortable pace with the girl you're chatting to now. Nothing will "get in a terrible mess". (You probably need to examine where you got that idea from, too, the idea that you'll make a mess of things by doing what feels good to you.) If you keep things at a stress-free level and strictly platonic for a while, you'll get to know this girl better... and if she's really interested in you, she won't mind that you move slowly. :) And you'll also be a lot more sure that she isn't trying to "trick" you into anything. There's nothing wrong with being up-front about your fears, either, you know. You can admit to her that you're a little anxious about dating and warn her that you just want to be friends for a while and see how you go. She'll probably appreciate your honesty.Your problem is a lot more difficult than a quick, 500-word answer can assist with, but I would like to suggest that you're afraid of trusting yourself with the "messier" aspects of relationships - particularly if you're typically a very orderly person - and you lack trust in women, too. (The idea that women might want to "trap you by getting pregnant" is kind of a giveaway.) You're the only one who can examine these suggestions and tell if they're true or not.Don't be afraid at all to discuss these matters with a professional. After all, a 2-way conversation with a trained counsellor is always going to be more beneficial than this sort of general forum.I do wish you well, and hope that I've given you something to consider.
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