A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my fiance have been together for 6 years and we have a 2 year old son and currently Im pregnant with our second child which is due in march. We have been engaged for about 9 months and just recently within the past month started premarital counseling.We have shared our ups and downs like everyone else but have always managed to make our relationship work. My fiance never grew up with a family environment where marriage, church etc was a big deal and I was so some of our ideals our different but nonetheless, he did propose, he did get saved and he has made it very clear to me and my family that he wants to marry me. Howver, just recently at premarital counseling, the pastor asked us would we be ready to go ahead with our licensing and allow him to "marry" us when our counseling is over(within the next 2 weeks or so) and I feel I am, my fiance feels that 2 weeks is "rushing" and we shouldnt just rush..hello..7 years..2 kids, we live together, we do everything a married couple would do for each other. My fiance plays professional football and we cant say we don't have the money, and for that matter I would honestly rather just do our vows and when this season is over have a small reception to celebrate our commitment with our family, but he feels rushed? I feel like he needs to step up and commit or call it a quits..am I wrong that I told took off my engagement ring and told him Im going to move back to California and he needs to figure things out because I dont want to rush him but i too feel like i deserve more than just being a fiance (doing all that a wife does) and for whatever reason the actual fact of marriage is scaring him it seems like? I know he feels like im backing him into a corner, but i feel like im compromisng myself if i stay here and im ready to be married, we have been throughlord knows, i've still remained down for him and i just want our relationship and marriage to be blessed and i feel like "shaking up" isnt going to help...also, I havent made him feel like im angry(because im not) but I just let him know that we really dont need to be engaged without him not knowing when hes ready to be married, and us living in two different states wont work so we really should just be parents and move on with our lives unless something changes?..
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (13 December 2008):
 Hi there, Now unless I am mistaken, I did not see the word love in yur letter. Do you love this man? Do you want to marry him because you have been together for the years that you have, or do you want to marry him for the children's sake? Why do you want to marry him? If it is because you want to spend the rest of your life with him, care for him and your children and this is what you feel will make you happy, then great. After all this time, and you say you have made the best of it, why can you not wait for him to wrap his mind around being married? He is totally paranoid
about the word marriage and what it represents, he should
go to therapy by himself, to come to grips with his deep fear of being committed in a marriage. There is something it represents to him, and he needs to talk to someone, other than you, as this is sensitive and if he can, purge those feelings of being trapped if he marries you. It is not you that he is resisting, he has been with you all this time, and I believe he loves you. But he is terrified of the word and the state of marriage. This has to be dealth with. If you love him enough to remain with him as he goes through that process, and he must talk to a professional counselor, to get to the bottom of it, then stay. If you don't think that you can wait it out, then make other plans. He is one of the main characters, so he must commit to going to therepy, If it were me, I would not make the ultimatum, marriage, because he could not deal with it, not now, the license scares him, the ceremony scares him, he is just scared, and he might bolt after the marriage, who knows. So first therapy, then time, then marriage. This has to be a process, he has proposed, so that is a big step, he doesn't want to lose you, but this is my thought. So it is up toyou, do you love him enough to go through this? I think maybe you do, even though you did not mention it. I hope this helps, talk to me and let me know what you think. Your life could be better, because the marriage thing bothers you, he is not so bothered, because of what you said about his family background. He is going to have to grow mentally into this. Take care and stay in touch.
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