A
male
age
30-35,
*claw
writes:My girlfriend and I have a bit of an age gap. I'm 24. She just turned 40. I went to hang out with some of her grad student friends (we're both in grad school) and she introduced me as her roommate. We do live with each other; but, we're definitely more than that. I was on edge the entire evening. She hugged a friend (some male that seems to be her type) as he was about to leave the party and asked that he stay. I asked her later about her feelings toward this guy. She said she had none- and I believe her. But, what irritated me the most, is that this guy received so much more affection from her than I did the entire night. This isn't the first time that this has happened. A few weeks ago, when another of her friends came by to the house, she wouldn't even look at me. And there are many more events like this. BTW all of my friends are aware that I'm dating an older woman. She's tells me that she loves me. But, I'm starting to feel pretty stupid for ever believing her- and also for feeling the same way toward her. We've discussed this issue. She stated that the best she can do is to "try" to introduce me as her boyfriend in the future- but it might not happen. But, the way she said it- and she agreed to this later- seemed like this was just an empty reassurance. I feel so indignant about this- I feel like leaving her just on the principle of this; she shouldn't be embarrassed by being in a relationship with someone she "loves". I guess it doesn't help that I look much younger than I am.I'd like this situation to change; but I'm not sure how to go about doing this without using an ultimatum. I think I deserve way more than this. Does anyone have any insight or advice on this? Thanks in advance.M
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female
reader, princessncali +, writes (26 May 2014):
It's been a year since you posted your situation and I'm wondering/hoping if things have improved. I found your comments so intriguing being that I am the "older woman" with a younger boyfriend and your concerns helped me to see things from his point of view. After reading many replies, it's unfortunately true that our society accepts "age gap" relationships very differently depending on if the man or woman is the older one. A female can be looked down upon for being with a younger man and I have experienced this personally. My boyfriend, who is more than 15 years younger than me, has experienced this as well when we're out in public. The big difference is it doesn't bother him in the least and he can really careless what other people say or comment. I envy that in him and wish I could be more comfortable with our relationship. He is very affectionate both in private and in public, but I do have a tendency to pull away when we're in public because I feel that people stare at us. He assures me that most of them are just curious, if anything, and that yes there are narrow minded, judgmental people out there too but that we need to ignore the negativity just as you would in any situation. A key word here is "we". This is something you both should continue talking about and practicing together. Hopefully you can be patient and understanding, within reason of course, of her feelings. And most importantly, you should see a change and improvement in her behavior. I live in southern California and you see a variety of mixed couples when it comes to race and religion. When you see an Asian man holding hands with an African-American woman, it can briefly raise eyebrows, but like my boyfriend said, majority of the time it's just curiosity or ignorance on the onlookers. There are many successfully relationships with age-gap differences and I think applying the same rules as with any relationship remains unchanged. Mutual respect, appreciation, understanding, forgiveness, and of course Love.Now, I just need to take all of what I just wrote, and apply to myself! (: Good Luck!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Hello pclaw,
I am 53 to my husband’s 39 and I am loathe to admit how much younger than me he is. It’s kind of embarrassing for me. I HATE the term cougar and one of the reasons I do not tell folks my husband’s age is because they will call me that horrid word. When we first started dating he looked much younger than he does since he gained some weight. I was more mortified then than I am now. BUT it never stopped me from being upfront with everyone about our relationship.
A person who says “I love you” but does not show it, is all talk no action. IF you are feeling that there is a problem, it’s because there is a problem.
Since you have already discussed the issue and she’s said she would “TRY” to introduce you as her boyfriend, I think you needed to ask her why she needed to TRY vs. just DO IT. I think it is an empty reassurance. I would tell her much like Yoda “do or do not, there is no try” either she does it or she does not and if she she does not… then you need to be gone.
You don’t say how long you are together but if you want to be treated differently then you need to demand it. Part of that is running the risk that it will end when you issue your ultimatum.
Sadly, it’s highly likely your gf is being unethical and not forthright with you about her intentions for your relationship. Women who are ashamed or embarrassed about their younger partners are one of the reasons age gap relationships get a bad rap.
I sense that since she is 40 and a grad student (are you both full time or is she a part time student working) that she’s in transition in her life and you may be part of that transition as fun and games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): She is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, tell her. I believe tbat you should guard your heart and it seems to be with her right now She is obviously important to you so give her a heart to heart conversation about your expectations in a relationship. Remember, you can't hold her responsible for what she doesn't know. When you have made the depths of your feelings for her then she should find security or back off. You deserve the truth about people you share your heart with. If her apology was sincere you will see it in her actions. Love yourself first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): Cerberus has just stated excuses and they are UNACCEPTABLE. When this lady was entering a relationship with you those are things she ought to have considered. Obviously this isnt sth society always accepts, they need to get used to it. She needs to make a choice and stand by it. Time to introduce you to all the relevant people and let them deal with it. How long can you hide? Waste of time. Way forward needs to be determined immediately. If she still hesitates, cut your losses and call off the relationship. She must not keep you in suspense for too long coz you might realise one day that too much time has passed and you havent achieved anything but disappointment, hurt and anger.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 April 2013):
 "Sounds" to me that she's after your "cub-like" anatomy... and that's the end of that....
A REAL "cougar" wouldn't put you in such positions of stress.... SO..... you need to ask her to clarify things for you.....
P.S. REAL cougars don't even LOOK at other guys... (MINE doesn't!!!)....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): Hello,I am responding because I am also in an age gap relationship. About the same amount of years and I am the older female. He is 40. I have been in this relationship for over two years, friends for two years prior. We have an additional complexity in that we work for the same company with me in a higher position than him. He works in a different location, which is a plus.The situation for us is that like Cerberus says, the relationship is covert for family and some friends. We do go out in public (live in a big town) as a couple but we are careful not to display public affection just in case someone should see us.My family knows I am dating someone, and probably know it's him. They are NOT ok with the age gap and think I should find someone my own age. I have a child and will not be able to have more. His mother and aunties are crazy for him to have kids. He doesn't tell them about me because he doesn't want to disappoint them. He does love me and tells me all the time. We talk of marriage and when we get to the point where we decide that's where we are going, he will tell them. I don't tell my family because they would want to meet him and he has no interest in meeting them. My friends know about him but he hasn't met them and has no interest in meeting them.So here comes the kicker. After two years of living this covert life, I am at the end of what I can tolerate. He isn't there for me during holidays because that is reserved for family. I don't want to be the source of disappointment for his family. I did his taxes for him and his mom was stressing out about WHO was doing his taxes-I think she used to handle it. He told her he did them at work on turbotax. That was the final straw. To call you her room-mate had to be a huge disappointment. I know exactly how you feel. I went with my guy to buy an RV and he introduced me to the seller as "well, she's just along for the ride." As in, she's nobody. I was so upset I went and sat in the truck and waited for him. I told him how upset I was and he understood and has never done that again.But it all adds up and eventually it's just a tipping point. The love relationship in your life should be special and you should be proud enough to be presented to the world as a couple.To a point I understand what Cerberus is saying but there also comes a time when the hurt is too great. I understand completely and totally how you are feeling. I am feeling the same way and my relationship is all but over. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 April 2013):
 Oh Dear Pclaw, this is a mean situation. You are infatuated with her. And she's controlling the situation and pulling all the strings. This emasculates you.
Worse, she plays up for the audience with the other man because basically she is uncomfortable with being honest about you.
Sure behind closed doors she tells you what she knows you want to hear.
But in public? And then you mention that she claims "the best she can do is to "try" to introduce me as her boyfriend in the future- but it might not happen". Oh wow. How rude and patronizing of her.
I fully agree with Trance on this one. She wants to call all the action. And treat you like ^^^^. Trance is right. You need to be rid of her.
relationships that are very unequal always penalise the one who keeps on getting the short straw.
Do not listen to her lies.
Instead look at her actions. And March right out as fast as you can.
The way she is treating you is not how respectful relationships operate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): OP most of my relationships have been age gap. You have to be patient a lot of it has be covert for a while.
Sure you don't mind your friends knowing but has she spent the day with you and them playing xbox all day or getting drunk and being wheeled around a parking lot in a car park? Why not? That's right OP, she's 40, there's a huge difference in social grouping and experience.
OP it's fine for us guys, no matter how old or young we'll always get pats on the back for getting some, yeah buddy!!!
It's different for women, she's old enough to be your mother and she will be judged in that way. Women are exceptionally sensitive to the opinions of others and at her age she needs to protect what you have from the judgements of others.
Sure, you a 24 year old guy would have no problem parading her around and showing her off. But you're not the one going to be viewed as a pathetic old lady who has to rob the cradle, a predatory old bag who can't find a proper man and has to date boys, a barren old bitch that can't make relationships work with successful men and has to scrape the barrel for a guy who doesn't know any better.
OP are you starting to see the picture here? Patience is key in things like this, if you force her to out you as her boyfriend you're going to make things very difficult. She's not hiding you away as she's perfectly willing for your friends to know but she needs to slowly get comfortable with letting her own friends know.
If being shown off is more important to you than being with her, then you're with the wrong woman.
OP she's "supposed to be" married with kids now, raising children not dating them, if you know what I mean. I don't agree with that bullshit at all, but most people do and most people her age will think less of her if and when they find out. They will OP, she may even lose friends over this if you force her to out you before she's ready.
OP you're 24, you're an adult if you can't accept the terms of an age gap relationship then get out of it. But understand OP, it's tough to be the older person. My fiancée is 9 years younger than me. Because I'm a guy that's mostly awesome, my friends are jealous and I get a pat on the back for bagging a fine young thing. But strangers can be still quite condemning and it can bother her sometimes when people assume I'm some kind of cradle snatching pervert incapable of "finding a woman my own age". I don't care about that shit OP, and for the most part my fiancée doesn't either but she's a woman at the end of the day OP and it can get to her that people would view me that way when she thinks she's hit the jackpot. OP your woman is trying to prevent that and you're trying to be territorial about things?
Be patient if you want her, she's not going to be openly affectionate because frankly she's not a teenager that needs to display you as her man. In fact she's trying to keep it hidden to protect what you have.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 April 2013):
 I'm pretty sure youre being too nice and too soft with this woman. Too much so tht she uses ur feelings as a doormat. Imo youre dealing with a grade a genuine ^^^^. Have the balls to end this relationship. She's not proud she's with you and she's lying through her teeth. She'll cheat i'm sure of it.
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