A
male
age
51-59,
*et70
writes:I am 40 this year and as one would expect, I have had, by now, a few mini mid-life crises, but nothing too major. Most recently, I realize that I have almost given up on EVER finding love or meaningful relationships, and it's starting to bother me. I came out when I was 15 and, as was a common story during the mid 80's, I experienced quite a bit of homophobia, most shockingly from my parents. Basically my family, and my community, were not supportive. I reacted to this in many ways including becoming angry and violent, being horrible to lovers and friends, denying any kind of love shown to me from others, having no respect for rules and regulations, I became anti-social, belligerent, self-loathing, promiscuous, and quite often a really nasty person. Basically, from the day I told my family I was gay, and them rejecting my pleas for help, I started to run, as far as I could from myself and it seems only now in later years I am slowing down and taking stock of it all. It seems, when I look back at my life, it is a series of wasted opportunities. All of my relationships have been disastrous. My career should have taken off in my twenties but still I lack the confidence to go for it in the area of my expertise. I have a distanced relationship with my family because I have never really forgiven them for what happened. But through all of this, ironic as it may sound, I have retained a belief that I am worth good things. I have so much love and creativity to give in all areas of my life. The problem is, when anything like love comes near to me I close up and can react in all of the ways I have outlined above. Instead of trying to crack it I love people from a distance instead. I have crushes on straight men, and I fall for friends who manage to get close to me as there is no real possibility of anything happening and therefore no chance of getting hurt. In the last year I have stopped having any kind of casual sex and I find it difficult to get excited sexually. The idea of being in bed with someone and being intimate seems foreign to me now, yet all the time I imagine myself with the perfect man. What can I do to sort this out? The whole thing seems completely impossible at times. I don't play the victim much anymore, so I don't tell too many friends about this side of me, even though they must realize. Can you help me? I am fed up of feeling lonely, feeling like everything is so out of my grasp!
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 Hi The only person that can ensure you have a happy future is you and not your family. You will have to accept their attitude towards your sexuality in order to make progress.
It's very sad that some people, especially from the older generation cannot deal with homosexuality. If you want to turn your life around you can do it by breaking your cycles of behaviour.
I don't know what options you have in Korea, but maybe there are gay men's groups where you could talk to others about your family situation. I bet there are many other guys out there who have suffered rejection like you have.
Perhaps that's one of the reasons you fall in love with straight guys. You will never have a relationship with them so you will never be rejected. It's safer in a way. It must be awful for you. You must be sick of feeling bad and want to turn your life around.
You'll have to be completely honest with yourself to get to the root of why you self sabotage. When you've done that then that's when you'll find happiness. You're at a great time in your life to start again. good luck x
A
male
reader, pet70 +, writes (26 March 2010):
pet70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for reading and answering. The thing that strikes a note most poignantly is making new friends. It is something that doesn't come that easy to me, but I am certain it would make a difference. I think you're absolutely right about many other men being in a similar position to me. Of course, I will never meet them if I don't go out there. I sigh a big sigh and wonder if I can really do that. I really appreciate the response. Thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): You need to relax, and access the pool of men that you've been fishing in. Odds are really good it's the wrong pool, and that there are many guys like yourself who are looking for a solid life partner. Change your social habits, and start hanging with new groups. Get involved with them (this is called "making new freinds") and network through these people.
Also, your responses appear to have some healing that needs to take place. Try to get some solid counciling, and maybe find a support group (much cheaper and faster) to supplement professional counciling.
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