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female
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*ulesy
writes: Hello to all my very encouraging readersHere's an update...and a question!7 months ago I moved to london like I said I would and have been lucky enough to find enough work.I have been applying for MA's in painting.I got an interview at a very posh college...they said they liked my work but have turned me down.No worries...I will try other courses!!The boy who got me here (the 10 year younger guy) ended up going back to Germany. I stayed on since it was clear he wanted to find someone younger. We have had contact per email and he has said that he has met someone new but wants to stay my freind as he thinks 'I'm a bit crazy but very honourable!'In the meantime I have been dating a chap who is 38. I recognise that he (like me) is trying to find some direction in his life.I sense he is ready to have a serious relationship. The big thing is that I'm still a bit stuck on my EX! The reason being that this new guy is;1.not as beautiful (although he is growing on me)2.Does no sport (I am very sporty)3.Just seems lazy (dirty flat although a nice one) Although I can have some nice chats with him I am a bit afraid I am getting into something which does'nt really thrill me!!I know I am a softie and I have been down this road before where i start getting too attached to someone who does'nt really 'fit the bill'Am I to be sensible and make this work? I have called it off twice already because i am so uncertain.I'm afraid i will hurt him and myself.I can't tell if it's just a 'right for now guy' or the real thing. I live in a house with very young people and i see how easily they have coupled themselves off.It makes me long for a relationship. It can be awfully quiet at night time here in LOndon and i do enjoy having the company of that man but I'm just so unsure...there are no butterflies yet...but maybe I'm older and things changeI have called it off but I can sense he is trying to find me again....I get lonely and confused and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life at 40,no kids,home,pension...only me myself and I!?I look at people around me and only understand now,for the first time, what they are all on about (marriage,kids,stabilty) I feel i have spent my life avoiding this.My relationships have never been longer that 1.5 years and either with men who smother me or men who hurt me badly...does it mean i have done everything wrong?Should i be giving this guy a chance or just hang in there for a while?Advice would be very appreciated...I'm feeling confused
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female
reader, julesy +, writes (23 July 2008):
julesy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer is a an update...
Last year, after a 2 year failed relationship with a man 10 years younger than myself i came to london (from Germany) to do an MA in painting. The end of the relationship had thrown me into a bit of a depression and i lost a lot of my self-esteem. The question was 'what shall i do with the rest of my life'. Haveing decided a long time ago that i was'nt very interested in having kids, I decide to pursue my artistic talents and get really ambitious. (My way of dealing with the pain)
Since being in London I have experienced many wonderful things and my confidence has once again soared. My plans seem to be comeing true. I had also decided that I wanted to enjoy 'exploring' men and relationships.
BUT Instead of feeling free to do this i have got myself involved with someone on a deeper level. I battle with myself because I see him, I care for him but I am unsure of him. He seems to have no goals or ambitions and I feel continuosly dissappointed. So i date other men too. I have told him i do this. He has told me not to sleep with them (I have not) but I am tempted to. If I truelly loved him, surely I would not feel the need to do this?
I know that no one is perfect (least of all myself). BUT my question is, at 41, should I stop looking for excuses not to be in a stable relationship and settle down. Should i judge men by another set of values and not by their standing in life? or should i continue to explore and see what happens??
A
female
reader, julesy +, writes (16 March 2008):
julesy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for answering.It's a couple of days since i wrote the post and i suppose i have had time to think about my own question.I realise that if i was going to more social events then i would be meeting a variety of men and not have to wonder if this guy (who really does'nt make my heart flatter) is the only and last guy I am going to meet.I know i need to have faith and believe i can have something i really,really want.
As for my ex...you said it very well...just let go and don't lower yourself by begging him to think about you again.
xxju
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (13 March 2008):
 You just haven't found the right person for you--your soul mate, that's all. I wouldn't get tied up with another man until you know it is right for you and visa versa. Believe me, you WILL KNOW when the time is right! Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Tarak426 +, writes (13 March 2008):
I'm almost 20 years old.. my boyfriend is 35 years old. We are so inlove with eachother. I have been with him for almost 2 years. So it is never too late to find love again. But you also shouldn't settle for somebody. Don't force yourself into a relationship just because you feel like your running out of time. And honestly... I think you should forget about you ex. If he found somebody else leave him alone. You never know he might even come back. But it is a turn off when somebody just keeps nagging. Guys like a challenge. Don;t throw yourself at him. And for the new guy...do you think your settling?? or is there really feelings there?? Like I said don;t settle.
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