A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone, I needed help and advice as I'm in so much pain.. I love my bf so much.. i am single mum and currently in a relationship with a man whos 18 yrs older than me and still married. were in a long distance relationship for 4 years now we get to see each other every after 2-3 mos. longest is 5 mos. he is still married (painful to say) although he tells me all the time he is separated and he is not inlove with his wife anymore. I told him many times to why not start and get a divorce he always tells me its not that easy as the wife doesn't wanna get divorce or else she will put their 12 yo son away from him and my bf never want that situation to come. he always tells me he loves me and want to spend the rest of his time with me and one day it'll happen and he always ask me to have faith and patience..but now, he just doesn't wanna get his son get affected and get hurt with the whole stress of his parents getting divorce. I understand him. but I've felt like I've been hangin for years now not sure what I'm really waiting for.we came to the part that we fight and worst get on and off with only one issue that he can't be with me "yet". I haven't even met any of his family (parents). I get to the point that I doubted and accused him he's still living with his wife and everything is well and fine but he strongly say if he and his wife trying to be ok I wouldn't be his gf in the first place. which made me really confuse so bad that it hurts. I don't wanna lose him and I love him so much and I know he loves me too but I'm not sure if how much does he love me or if he only love how he feels about himself whenever we are together. I just don't know what to do, I'm so depressed and confused. there's times I wanted to leave but I can't. i know its only me who can answer and know hom but.. will he ever gonna file and get divorce? and spend the rest of his time like he always say? is it really worth to stay and wait for him and have more patience and faith? so many questions in my head... but I would appreciate to hear from you people.. thank you so much. god bless!
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depressed, divorce, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 here's an old cliche.... "that which does nto kill us makes us stronger"
it is hard.
be strong.
be brave.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGosh, this is tougher and harder than i thought...
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female
reader, Sunset_texas +, writes (22 October 2011):
OP - don't listen to him with your own ears to him. listen with ears from your sister, your friends.
Tell him, you want to spend sometime yourself..take a break from each other.
You will be able to see whole picture clearer few months later.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2011):
sometimes OP we have to suffer pain to get to the good stuff.
I believe that yes in the LONG run you will be happier without him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, I thank everyone for their honest comments and advice.. as of today, i am still in a stage that is very confused.. i tried to talk and end things with my (ex) boyfriend.. at first he doesnt wanna break up with me but then he said he respect whatever my decision is and after all he wants me to be happy.. and then one time he send me a sms saying ive completely lose my faith in him and he even said next time i meet and be to another relationship without faith i will still have the same problem.. he convince me that he doesnt wanna lose me and that the idea of me being with other person he cant imagine but things in his side is never easy and he doesnt wanna lose his son also.. im very confuse.. i dont see myself bein with other person also aside from him. i told him its not that ive completely lost my faith in him and believe what he say everytime that he has plans and one day he wants us to move in and be together but... waiting for him without knowing when and how its gonna happen makes me just wanna give up..! im very confuse... am i making the right decision in my life? is completely leaving him will make me happy in the future? :-( im so helpless and clueless!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): OP, that's the right thing to do, for yourself. I know you have young kid, still, at your age, the future is bright and unlimited. Putting yourself at first position, only when you can take care of yourself, you can take care of your son. Be strong, be independent, remain good faith to life and others. Some day soon, you will become an even more wonderful woman. By then, when you look back, you will surely find that - this is right thing to do, life is long run. By then, when you look back, you will surely find that - even someone hurted you in such way, you could possibly forgive him, because he is just a selfish man, not worthy you giving out your love. By then, you will appreciate that he was not the man to share your wonderful life journy.Take care and good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear last reader, I got teary eyed reading your letter... i can relate so much.. thank you.. this inspires me and just reading your letter again and again and thinking.. you made it and strong enough to do it and never look back.. I CAN DO IT ALSO!its been sleepless nights.. i am in a stage in my life that i am so confused, upset, helpless and its just terrible! this is the most painful thing happened to me than having my son in my younger days and his father abandoned us and i get through and made it all by myself! (even my family didnt help and accept what happened to me that i end up living at friend's house while pregnant) i thought it was the most painful thing happened to me but this is worst where i am now! this guy is my first love.. he's my first serious, longest relationship ive ever had and its totaly breaking my heart into pieces.. i know i can do this only time can tell and one day i will just look back and realise i made the right decision.. just like when ive been down beforewhenever i feel down and miserable i just visit this page and read all the comments again and again to remind myself "i should stop, never look back and move on!"Thank you all for sincere comments without judging and i really appreciate it..
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): OP, I am the person that you are asking...and I understood that you need to talk someone at present stage, who won't judge you but only listen. And you could not talk this matter with your friends, family and other people in your current social network, because, you got hurt by involving with a married man. This is a story. I am single, independent, and self-sufficient woman. I am doing well at my ages, my career provides to me with confidence and comfortable lifestyle. Still, I got trapped, confused, lost and hurt by involving with a 20 yrs older man. We met in business and he approached me, and introduced himself to me as 'divorced with 2 grown up chirldren' at beginning. He appears a decent man with high reputation. Because of age difference, I didn't accept him at beginning. But he has been very persistent, and kept sending greetings to me everyday. We became closer...about 6 months later, he then told me that his '2nd wife moved out and lives 1000 miles away before we met, and we are about filing divorce'. Before we physically involved, I was emotionally involved by then. 2 more months later, he invited me over his house, I then believed that his '2nd wife' is not living with him/moved out/they are officially separated, by 'seeing in person'. We soon had first night together. We don't live in same city, met once a month and spent 2 or 3 days together. I never stayed in his house because I thought until he got official divorce, it's not appropriate to stay in the house he and his wife had once togehter. I stayed in hotel, he came over. And, I was the one who had been paying hotel bill all the times. 3 more months later, we had 'great' vacation out of country, and spent 4 days in my vacation home. BUT, he acted differently right after that vacation, and started to say, that it's very difficult to get divorce, and if he wants a divorce, he will lose half of his properties and retirement accounts. Since then, I started to get confused, but I still was in believe and even tried to be 'understanding' to his situation. Things were still on, but I started to have doubt...It got into holiday season, when I was preparing Christmas gift for him, I was hanging on computer and casually, I google his name, and found his wife's name; I didn't get alarmsed immediately, but I knew there are something I could look at online. Few weeks later, still casually, I saw his wife's Facebook page, there was newly taken picture of them, and showing happily cuddling together under Christmas tree...I was shaken at the moment when I saw the picture. I download the pic and sent to him immediately, and asked him what does it mean. He replied easily said, 'it's just a picture, because his wife wants whole family feel their marriage is still OK, for HER 'image' (They both were divorced before they married, and his wife has 4 grown up daughters from previous marriage, he has 2). I shouldn't, but I believed his words again, and believed that his wife was just visiting with her children and showing that her marriage is still happy. I didn't see him for about 3 months after that. Then, at an opportunity, he stopped by my city and we got back together again. I knew I have many questions, but I just went blind and chosed to believe in him, and what he was telling, he is separated, and doesnt share room with his wife when she comes to 'visit', and they don't sleep together and no sexual connection between them.I was hurt but stil, I thought we were special....UNTIL, I explored more info about his family online. Everyone of his wife's family is on Facebook, I discovered hundreds of their family photos. This is what I have found, 2 weeks before and after he and I spent days together, he was with his wife, either visited their children, parents, or took a tour at country side. It is NOT a 'normal' separated couple at all. Well, you should have seen, what I have told you, through above story. We can change no one else, but we can learn from our mistakes, and make it difference in our lives. I broke up with him about 2 and half months ago, but I have been stuggling in all confusion, doubts, hiden pieces, excuses, and lies for nearly 1 year (we met 2 years ago). As said, it takes time to heal, but, you will be just fine, evantually. Don't look back, the man you thought you knew, respect, trusted, and loved, is also the man who actually took advantages on your weakness, played with your emotions, and used you for his own benefits. They are same man, later is real him. Just don't think back, look back, it's difficult, but you can do it. Few month later, when you feel less attached, you should look back, by then, you will see whole story differently, clearly, and wisely. Even longer later, you should look back, you will appreciate that it helps you in long run. We fell, got hurt, and cried, then you stand up, and move on with a stronger heart and wiser mind. Hope this helps a little somehow. BTW, my weakness, I lost my dad to car accident when I was teen (18 yrs ago), and I am only child in the family. I was attractive to older man, he knew it at the beginning, and he took advantage on my trust and emotions. I still didn't decide yet, if I should write a letter to his wife, and let her know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe last anonymous reader comment..
you mentioned it happens and not only my age and you been to situation like where I am now.. I wonder and wanna know from you who already experienced this.. how did you take it? how did you fight the temptation to look back? I am eager to move on and forget this guy I used and admit I still love yes... but.. how did you take things well and are you happy in a relationship now? I needed a person like you to talk and learn to.. thank you so much.. I appreciate all the advice people
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI broke up with him.. and this time is for good. I don't wanna look back anymore and I will try my hardest not to look back again. I had enough.. I love him but I need to accept that he don't deserve that love from me.. :'-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question:'-(
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Sorry to watch you are hurting badly...it happens, not only at your age...have been there too. Listen:1. He came to you as 'single' at the beginning = he is looking for sex ONLY out of his marriage. 2. He told you he is 'separated' and difficult to divorce = he is NOT looking for any future with you. 3. He blames on you for not trusting him = he is not trustful at all but can not make up all his lies. The only way to not make himself looking bad is, blaming on you being a suspious girlfriend, making you feel you are unwanted any more. 4. You will never get the answers from him, because he has NO anwer for you. He will never admit that he has been playing with your emotion in order to get what he wants from you. It hurts, badly...we understand.It will last a while...be prepared. But, you will be just fine, evantually...believe in that. You are stronger than you thought.The only thing can help you rigth now - stop to think what he told you, and confused you. The truth is, he lied to you, took advantages on your kindness and trust, and used you for sex. It's very difficult to believe, in fact, you would rather find excuses for him to explain his behaivors. However, that's not what truly happened. The truth is, you are used by him, whom you thought you knew, beleived, and trusted, but you didn't. Be strong and move forward...it will be just fine. 3 months later, when you look back, you will see the whole story differently. When you could find the peace in mind, write a letter to his wife and let her know, for good.
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (9 October 2011):
 You have your answer.
It's been four years and he is not divorced yet. AND WHY SHOULD HE????
He gets his young side piece (i.e., you) and he gets to keep his respectable wife. He has ZERO incentive whatsoever of changing the status quo. That this situation has lasted for four years tells you everything you need to know about what his ultimate goal is: to keep everybody in his life, right where he wants them, focused on his needs solely and no one else's needs matter.
So. Now that we have established that he is not going to be the agent of change, we are now left with you. The ball is in your court, m'dear, and you need to choose wisely. How much more of your precious life will you sacrifice for the whims of someone so deeply selfish and dismissive of your own needs?
Again, choose wisely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionive had sleepless nights, cant stop thinking what to do etc i get sad and miss him but my brain is shouting to let go.. I don't want to have more years waiting for him.. I don't feel happiness anymore but miserable and always depressed and sad.. I'm single mum and there are still other guys who seem attracted to me but my world is focus and all about my bf.. I don't deserve what he's been doing to me the more we stay together the more we get to fight a lot and its just terrible... I want to get out! my heart is broken into tiny pieces but I need to do this for me and my 4 yo son. I just don't know how to start again when I got used of turning my world around with him and only him. I feel so upset... sad... depressed.. I can't wait to completely move on and just forget the whole thing and be careful next time when somebody comes to my life... I will plan and prepare and break up with him one of these daysI need answers please? I need more friends I can talk to about anything and friends to laugh and help me cope and fight the temptation to contact him again.I need help to me get through this tough times of my lifethanks for comments and opinions guyshappy to find this site I can open and tell completely what I feel without worrying people judging me
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2011):
so when you met him he lied and said he was single.
now he lies to you
he lies to his wife
he lies to his friends and family
and you are so hurting. for so many reasons. and I am sorry.
I wish I could say he's not using you.
I wish I could say it's going to end well but I don't see that.
I see a man who wants his Kate and Edith too...
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 October 2011):
 You are painfully UNhappy! This man is not going to change that situation.
Dear, he LIED to you about his availability status right from the start. He was MARRIED then..and still is. If he really wanted to be divorced and moved on as a single man, he would have done it by now.
He introduced you to his friends as merely a friend. You have no "status" in his life. You are there to meet his needs when it works for him.
He says he can get a "extremely hot girl" and not bother with you. That is another form of abuse he is putting you through. He threatens to replace you BECAUSE you are irreplacable, but you depend on him so much to feed your self esteem. He does not determine your worth-YOU DO.
Time to stop investing in this man. He is just a whole lot of mess and trouble-you CAN do better.
Please love yourself more than you love this man loves you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi guys,
whenever I fly to his country to see him we always stay in a hotel near his work place, his house is 2 hrs drive to the city and he told me I can't stay there even if he wants to as the wife and kid goes there whenever they want to cos he says its still the wife house she still have stuff in there.. and I'm like.. ok, fine. I just try to convince myself checking in hotel near his workplace is convenient as I go there and meet him for lunch while I'm in his country for visit. and theres time he introduces me to his band/childhood mates one time at their rehearsal but he introduces me only as his "friend" and I was mad/sad even if he explained to me on our way meeting them that his friends knows his marriage ain't over yet and they are close family friends. he probably doesn't want somebody to come up to his wife and tell about me who came to rehearsal with him.
whenever we are together we never get to spend our time for more than 3 weeks! after that few next months later and another trip to see him again for 4 years our relationship has been like that.. these past few days I hate to do it and I feel like I've been putting pressure on him unlike before.. I don't wanna keep waiting for more years not sure what I'm waiting for! and he do nothing! I've confronted him many times if he and the wife still together and still strong just be honest w/me.. he got upset and tells me if theyr tryin to make it work I wouldn't be in the picture and he's the one who will tell me frankly! I'm very confused. BTW, before we got together he got an ex-gf for a year and now me for 4 years! so he's been really up to and doing this looking for gf.
P.S.
what's hurts me the most is I promised to myself and swear I will never date or see a taken guy. when we met he introduces himself as "single" not separated or divorce whatsoever. I just found out everything later on when were on our 2 - 3 years together.. I would have let him go and stop myself if I knew at first.. I fell inlove with him each day and now I'm in pain and havin a hard time to let go... :'(
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks guys for all your comments, really appreciate it. I've been thinking and tried many times to get out of the relationship but we still end up getting back together I know it sound dumb, i hope its as easy as it sounds to just leave and forget. it was so painful and I just can't imagine losing him forever.. this is the longest relationship I've ever had.. I just wanted him to be THE ONE.
whenever we talk about his status and ask him what's really going on with him and his family and just tell me the truth he end up getting mad saying stuff like I don't trust him and I'm accusing him and if he only wants to play around he always say "he can get extremely hot girl! and not waste time ,energy and money to see each other and travel all the way just to be together".. that's when we end up fighting together! we always have the same fight again and again that few days ago I opened up the topic again asking him and we went to same arguments again that he got so fed up that he told me if I'm in pain with our situation its better to leave him instead that he doesn't wanna hurt me anymore with his complicated situation. hearing it from him is really breaking my heart into tiny pieces! I'm like.. that's it?? all this time he will just tell me he doesn't wanna hurt me anymore bcos I don't believe him he's working it out to be together (which i dont see) but instead let him go instead?? instead doing something that will change and work the relationship he just ask me to let him go if im in pain and will go to same arguments again and again! my heart is broken. and so depressed. aside from the pressure with my family who knows him and friends asking how come we never get married or move in together etc. since were together for 4 yrs now is really make me sad. I don't know what to do.. if to stay and keep waiting that maybe I get lucky in the end or just leave and enjoy my life here far from him.............. :'(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
In my experience, a man will move heaven and earth to be with the one he loves. IF he is with you for four years already and you only see him sporadically, you can pretty much bet that what you currently have with him is all he wants to have with you.
People can "talk the talk" and it sounds all well and good but UNLESS they back their words up with actions it means NOTHING.
IN my opinion, he will not file for divorce. He will not come spend his time with you. If you need to "test" this I suggest NOT contacting him and when he calls to see you be busy the next time... see what happens.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 October 2011):
You have been with this man four years and you have not met his family?
Listen to your instincts. You are wasting your time on this man.
When the two of you have your visits-what is the focus of the visits? You only see him a few times a year according to your schedule.
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): So when you see him every few months do you stay at his house? If not, sorry to say, but he's very married and you are just a long distance booty call! He's also said he doesn't want his son effected so that should tell you he is still very much in his marriage and divorce is nowhere on his radar.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): This old geyser is stringing you along. He is still with his wife and kid, the only time he is not with her is when he does the great trek 3 times a year to you for sex.
U are young. Why have u settled for this older man crap. Surely u can see the bulldust he is feeding you?
Are u the only side squeeze he has or are there more?
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!
While what he is saying could be true, that he is divorced and loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you have to remember his current situation. If he feels strongly about not letting a divorce affect his son, then you will have to wait another 6 more years before you can marry. Are you ready to do that? No man in his right mind should choose a girlfriend over a child, and if you keep pressuring him, that's what he'll think you are trying to do.
Also, while age isn't always everything, an 18 year age gap raises RED FLAGS to me!!! He is at a different point of his life...you might just be a flame on the side that helps relieve his mid-life crisis.
My advise to you....drop him! If he comes back to you and begs for forgiveness, then set some ground rules. If he doesn't, then it wasn't love he was feeling, but lust. Find someone your own age or slightly older who can fulfill the needs that you are looking for in a man. Have fun and don't complicate your young life with a man who seems to have a whole world of complications to deal with.
Also, you mentioned not meeting his family yet. When you two do get together and meet up, where are you at? Do you go to his home? Or does he go to your home that is out of town and away from anyone who might recognize him and know he is already married? If you answered the latter of the two, then definately get rid of him, because he is screaming RED FLAG!!!
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