A
female
age
41-50,
*uggy
writes:I am having problems at the moment. Six weeks ago my partner of four years (friend of ten) said he needed some time to figure out what he wanted from the relationship as he wasn't sure that he still loved me. Events came about when I sat him down to talk, and asked him if he had any issues he wanted to talk about, he said no "everything is perfect isn't it". I said that this was not the case, that I was worried as he had stayed out all night before and I was worried about him. He then said "well i suppose if you don;t trust me then there's no point", and walked out. He said he needed a week or so to sort his head out, so I gave him a week, and then he said it was over. We had only bought a flat six months previously, and he was now saying that he had never loved me, never fancied me, didin't want kids or marriage with me (even though he suggested all those things) and that he had known he was feeling unsure for the last two years. Since this I have fallen into a major depressive state and have not been eating or working. I find it so hard to do anything, as my motivation is so low. I have been to counsillors and my antidepressant medication has been raised to the maximum limit.I think more than anything it is the shock factor, he was talking about kids the day before, then has just decided its all not for him. After four years, and buying a place and talking about the future etc, I just feel like the rug has well and truly been pulled from under my feet. After his sister being quite aggressive on the phone to me, I agreed to sign our flat over to him, provided I am adequately compensated. I just feel so hurt, and like a fool for not seeing it coming, even though his family and friends were also as shocked as me when it happened. After such a long time I feel so betrayed that he could have strung me along for such a long time, and even buy a flat with me. He has been out every night pretty much since the split, whilst I am kicking myself for being such a mess.I know that my depression is not helping, and I just don't think I can face going back to the flat to pick up all my stuff, especially as he says he wants to be there to make sure i don't take anything that isn't his. He's gone from saying "you're my best mate, lets stay friends" to sending me solicitors letters and getting his sister to ring me, to adding me as mates on websites and stuff. I can't do all of this friends stuff yet, as I do still love him and it would break my heart to see him with someone else. I just wanted to get this all off my chest. I know what I need to do to get my life back on track, but I just don't have the motivation to do it, and i feel like its been long enough now, but I still can't seem to move on.I just wanted to get this off my chest, as I really hurt, and its got to the stage where my depression has started to affect my health.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): Hey hun you know what I am going through a simliar thing we havent plit yet but i sort of know its coming :-( Ive spent 3 years with my man n i adore him but he says he does me but you sorta know when someone loves you and i defo dont feel that he feels what I do. He treats me like a crap piece of his shoe sometimes. You know what you sometimes think why am i on this earth to deserve such unhappieness Trust me theres loads of us who go through this and you loved him or still do TRUST ME i love my man more than my life i value n love him more than my self... why do we do this to our selfs I dunno x im confused too xx Zoe xx
A
female
reader, Buggy +, writes (17 April 2007):
Buggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your advice guys/gals!!! As for my meds, I have asked to see a psychiatrist to have some tests but they have asked me to wait a few weeks to see if my upped dosage does any good. I'm pretty knowledgable about these things, as I have a degree in Psychology, and I treat people with depression!!! So easy to give your own advice, but very difficult to take it, especially when you don't have the motivation!!
I have arranged for a friend to come with me when I pack my stuff. Which will be good. Just so nervous about seeing him.
I have made it clear I won't be signing anything until I am "right in the head" again. And he's been pretty ok about that. I guess he knows that I could just say no, and force him to sell the place.
Just taking each day as it comes, cleaned my car today, and was exhausted, but at least I ate a meal after!!!
Hoping to go back soon, and get back to my job, and start rebuilding my life. But its hard when you;re in the rut if you know what I mean. It seems the depression has just been made worse by the split, so i guess I have two things to recover from rather than one. My mood was lifter slightly on friday the 13th of all days!! I found out my job has been made permanent (even with me having been off this last 6 weeks), and i won a competition for a luxury spa weekend away!! Maybe its Karma, or my little bit of luck that I need!!!
I will keep you all updated on my progress. Sites like these I find really helpful, and I try to contribute my tuppence worth, but feel like a hypocrite..."do what I say and not what I do"..because I don't/can't take the advice I give out!!!
Thanks so much xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Hi,
I really think you need to deal with your depression first. It is great that you are getting counseling. 6 weeks is enough time to tell if the drug you are taking works for you. It is very common that one antidepressant does not work for an individual (no matter what the dose), but a different one DOES work. I know that in the UK you have a public health system and am not sure how it works, but if at all possible see a psychiatrist rather than a general doctor. I have been on many different antidepressants for many years and know a lot about them. Some didn't do anything, some worked for a while and then stopped working and I had to change. If you email me what you are taking I can tell you a little about the drug and what to tell your Dr. - you can tell him you have done some research online and found that when antidepressant X doesn't work Drs often try Antidepressant Y.
About the Ex: perhaps your Dr (therapist or MD) could write to the solicitor and tell them you are ill and need more time before you deal with the practicalities of moving out, signing papers, etc. You are sick just as if you had pneumonia - you need to recover before you can run around doing things, even things that others might think are easy and no big deal. But what you have to do IS a big deal and is very upsetting.
Chin up, you and handling this the right way and you WILL feel better because you are taking action to feel better - it is almost always the people who refuse to see a Dr. that don't recover from depression. Do email me if it will help (not sure how it works on this site but there is a way to do it).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): hi, about a year ago i was in this situation, he just left me out the blue, saying he dont love me and ect, i was devestated i couldn't understand it.
i know exactly how you feel and i tell you now it does get easier, make sure you take someone with you to pick your things up might make it alittle easier on yourself,
just keep your head up, you have to go through these stages to get over him but i can assure you will soon find yourself out there again with confidence!
smile and good luck xx
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