A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I've missed the marriage boat and I'm starting to panic.I'm going to be 34 years old tomorrow. Objectively, I am good looking; better than average, smart, successful, have a good career, own my own apartment, etc.All my best friends suddenly got married or engaged in the last year.I had a boyfriend of 3 years, but he was very jealous. He made my life miserable. He was always checking up on me, and accusing me of cheating. (I wasn't). I finally broke up with him after he threw a fit at my company party because I was dancing with a gay man.That will be two years in December. The last 8 months, I was dating a musician who I was totally in love with. I gave him all my love and energy, and he was lukewarm about me. He was away for 3 months and got home, and said he was lukewarm because he wasn't 100 percent sure he wanted to be with me. Then I found evidence online that he had been chatting with at least one woman and given his phone number. I asked him to get out of my apartment, and he doesn't want to try to repair our relationship - telling me I "messed with him" and to "move on".So here, I sit. 34 and single. Is it me? I feel like most people have been married once already, or have a kid or something. Am I missing something? My friends say I'm fiercely loyal and spend too much time with guys that aren't right for me because I keep giving them second chances.Any advice? I want to get married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEvery guy I've dated ends up resenting me because I have more money, more friends or a more exciting job.
I always include them in everything and it seems to end the same. Several friends have told me to stop "dating down" but I'm not a gold digger so I try to ignor financial and social situations and love the person for who they are not what they can give me. But, at least with this last one, he was an opportunist and I got taken advantage of for a few months.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Your friends are right..you pick guys who aren't emotional available or who aren't emotionally healthy. If a guy acted towards you the way you act towards your boyfriends, you'd probably dump him because you'd think there was something wrong with him and feel suffocated.
Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people and choose them as mates. Look within and back in your childhood until you come up with some answers about why this is normal for you and make internal changes. The other alternative is to stay in the dark and repeat painful patterns until you give up or become bitter about relationships and remain single.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): First of all, many many people are not married at 34, or 38, or 45. It seems that way to you because you've watched many of your friends settle down but there are loads of single people, many of whom are just enjoying life and not worrying about marriage or children.You wonder if you've missed your chance but from the sound of the two relationships you describe, you've missed nothing and done well to walk away. Birthdays can be difficult when you're single - I know this only too well - because they make you very aware of becoming older without maybe having achieved the goals that you set out to achieve. So why not change those goals? Instead of setting out to meet a man to marry, vow to make a new friend, or breathe new life into an old friendship that maybe you've let slide over the years. Decide to learn something new, or visit a new place, or save up for something you really want or need. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and I hope that you meet someone really wonderful. It might not be now, it might be several years down the line, but you'll know yourself and be secure in yourself and the things you've achieved. Best of luck to you, and have a fantastic birthday tomorrow. Don't feel bad about what you don't have, feel grateful for the things that you do have and for the strength you have shown by not settling for an unsuitable man.
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 My dear dear lady!A big NO you have not missed the boat!!I am 33, 34 is fast approaching - I was in a 14 year painful relationship. I had the same thoughts as you, I'm doomed, it's over, my biological clock ticking, my heart sinking...Then when I felt, I'd never meet anyone, I was destined to meet toads (boy did I run into a few) a frog appeared and maybe he might just be the one.Here is the secret... Love yourself, enjoy you, love you, look in that mirror everyday and say something nice about yourself. When you love yourself, care about yourself your find someone who isjust for you. All the time I was miserable (and perhaps a little desperate) I found toads... Then one day, I decided (I looked at my cat and said - ok little man, we can be ok on our own, we don't need to be but we can be!)I started loving myself I spent time on myself - I did it for me, that included a better beauty programme (I'd let myself slip) I shaved, plucked, went to a spa, started using scented creams again - wore clothes that made me feel sexy and georgeous and just as I felt I was ok on my own with my little furry friends I thought - why the heck not let's try dating againAnd I met a toad, I went "pah not worth my time" I met another same thing then I met my now boyfriend . I have a friend who met the man of her dreams at 38 - they married and now have two beautiful childrenMy mother who had two extremely painful marriages met her husband at 45 they love each other so much, and 15 years on they still act like teenagers together!your never too old, I hope the above helped - suggest a night of pampering - what's the worse that can happen x
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 eddie85 and sammi star have given you some good advice.
The only thing I would add here are these thoughts:
(insert after eddie’s third paragraph cautioning you..) You may not SAY anything that indicates you want to be married, but if you want it badly enough mean (and women when the roles are reversed) can smell it. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you are being subtle.
You have to work on not wanting to be married so much. You do this by continuing to live in such a way that invests in your well-being. Enjoy being single. Otherwise, you will scare off good guys and will invest too much in the less-than-good-for-you guys.
You WILL marry. You WILL have a family. You just don’t know when, to whom or what shape your family will be in. You are a gem; one in a billion; and your perfect man is as well. He won’t be easy to find; but he will find YOU if you stop looking.
So, what will you do with your life in the meantime?
Good luck. :-)
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 September 2011):
 I don't think you've missed the boat as far as being married. Lots of women are marrying later and later in their lives. So the short answer is, no, you haven't missed the opportunity.
It does sound like you've thought about this a lot and you are starting to identify patterns as to why you aren't married. This is a positive first step, because it will allow you not to make the wrong choices again and avoid detours.
I should caution you though. If marriage is constantly on your mind, you may scare off potential suitors and you certainly don't want to rush into something. Nothing will scare a guy off faster than a woman with her biological clock ticking. We'll always wonder if she is just wants to get married for the sake of marriage, or is she truly in love with us.
Marriage is a serious proposal and one that shouldn't be entered into lightly. Let's face it, marrying someone is a life-altering choice.
I would worry less about "being married" at this stage and urge you to find someone you are compatible with. If marriage is in the cards, it'll happen. It sounds like you know what you are looking for and the important thing now is to make yourself available to find love -- whether that means joining a dating service or putting yourself out there where singles meet.
Happy birthday and Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (16 September 2011):
 It's amazing how peer pressure happens not just in the playground but throughout our lives too.
The only reason you're wanting to get married so badly is because it seems everyone else is. You feel it's something you 'should' have done by now. It's not unusual but it is a dangerous way of thinking. You risk entering into it too lightly and for all the wrong reasons. Promising to spend the rest of your life with someone should happen because you can't imagine spending your life without that person, not because you feel your friends are moving forward without you.
I completely get why you feel this way. I'm the last of my friends to be married and I'm not gonna lie, sometimes it bothers me! But like you, I also have friends who have been married at least once, as you say. That isn't a good thing. It's nothing to look up to that they have a broken marriage. I don't think divorce is anything to be ashamed of but it's certainly not something to admire.
I don't want to bore you with cliches such as your time will come as i suspect you already know this. You're young and have plenty of time to meet someone that you feel that strongly about. When you do you'll be so glad you waited for the right person.
As for kids, you sound like you've got yourself pretty sorted in terms of career and owning your own place so when the time does come you'll be glad that you've had a life for yourself first and can now offer your child a stable home and provide for them financially.
Have a little patience and faith in yourself and I'm sure things will work out just fine.
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