A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Sorry, this will probably be long. Just found this site, here's my story. Been with my wife for 6 years, married for one (just had anniversary). When we got married, we immediatly decided to have children, but for the past year we have not been able to. We've been to doctors and tried everything. This has destroyed my wife. They cannot find anything wrong with either of us, and that makes it worse. She has been depressed. Then I noticed a change in her behavior, new clothes, going out with her co-workers all the time, and a lot of other stuff that people say are signs of cheating. She went away on a business trip with a co-worker last week, but before she left, she told me that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore, and that our marriage might be over. She wanted her space.She came back from the business trip, and it was awkward. Finally, early Monday morning, I couldn't take it, and I checked her cell phone. She was having an emotional affiar with her co-worker. Messages of "I miss you so much", "can't wait to see you again and give you a big hug", etc. I woke her up and told her to get out. We had a big fight, and she admitted that what she did was wrong.We are going to start counselling tonight. Right now, I'm getting the "I don't know if I love you like 'that' anymore". We have discussions, always civil, and there is definately caring for one another.I am in turmoil right now. I started sleeping in the guest bedroom, mostly because waking up with her in my arms hurt too much (we would go to sleep not cuddling, but would end up together in the am). We've had some soul searching conversations, and she admits that she moves from one relationship to the next without a break in-between (left 1st husband to be with me, I know, should have seen this coming). She says she knows that she needs to change or this will happen in every relationship she has. I just can't believe that 3 weeks ago, we were hoping to be pregnant, and talking about our family to be, and now we seem to be on the path to divorce.I do nothing but read now, and I hear a lot about tough love. I know if I beg, or try to change it will only make things worse, but I could use some advice or encouragement right now. We don't want to tell family or friends what is going on in case things work out. I can't keep all these emotions bottled up anymore. The 6 years we were together, I was always looking for a watch (could never find the 'right' one). For our anniversary, she found me the perfect watch. This morning, as I was leaving for work she came downstairs with it telling me that I forgot it. I told her that it hurt to look at it, that it reminded me how happy she was when she gave it to me, and that it gave me hope, and I wasn't sure if I should be hoping right now. She broke down and cried. I don't know what to do...
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a break, anniversary, be pregnant, co-worker, depressed, divorce, I love you Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (2 November 2007):
 If you've been battling depression all of your life and you're in the midst of a serious problem with your wife, a night of "boozing" isn't what I'd recommend . . . whether you feel you need it or not. You need to stay focused in reality. Burying your head in a bottle is not going to help you in any way shape or form. You can go out with your friend(s), but leave the booze out of the picture. Drink ice water with a twist of lemon. You can socialize with people and look like you're drinking a cocktail without wallowing in your dispair. This is a time that calls for a clear head . . . not a mind filled with distorted views.
The hangover will punish you even more. Forget the booze. Vocus on reality.
As for her staying with her coworker's best friend. That seems like an awkward situation by itself. Do either of you have any siblings, parents or relatives you can talk to . . . or in her case, stay with?
Anyway, good luck and stay sober.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, I am the same person who posted a few weeks ago. I actually was at a different forum when I wrote this post,and just copied and pasted it here to hopefully get some more input. I am falling apart.Last night was our intake for MC. Even though it was only the intake, when they asked why we were here, my wife told me to go ahead and explain it, and I got about 3 words in until I broke down. When I was done, the therapist asked my wife if I had left anything out, and she said no.I had also set up individual counseling for myself with my old therapist (battled depression all my life). During the intake, they ask you to tell you a pro and con about your spouse. My con for her was that she runs from one relationship to the next without and pause inbetween, or thought for the person she's with. My wife agreed, and threw out some terms she had been reading about online about people who do that. The therapist suggested she go for individual counseling, because the MC would focus on the marriage, but that was a personal problem of hers. Even though she swore she didn't want to do IC, she agreed, and is setting up an appointment.So that sounds like good news.. right? Well, she has been saying that it's been harder and harder for her to concentrate at work and at home, and that she really needs to study. She called a friend of hers (male, best friend of the affair guy) to see if she could stay at his place this weekend to study. So she packed a bag and won't be home until Sunday night. The good news is, when she was asking me (did say if I really didn't want her to go, she wouldn't) she, for the 1st time in a while seemed sincere, she was really talking. And she said she would call, not just text like she did when she went away before.I keep reading where you have to let someone go to get them back... this is so hard.I can only focus on the fact that she does seem committed to trying to work it out. On more than one occasion, she would come downstairs crying, telling me that every part of her is telling her to run, but she can't, she has to try to make us work before leaving. So I don't know anymore. I called my old co-op who is still in school, and we're going out boozing tonight, I need it. I also told the wife that I'm leaving the cell phone in the car so I don't drunk call her and say anything I'll regret. It is going to be a long weekend.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I just want to tell you that your story made me cry. Are you sure that you just found this site because about a month ago there was the exact same question posted by a guy who's wife had left her husband for him, they had met at work, they were unable to conceive and she changed & started going out with co-workers & on business trips. But his story didn't mention him knowing her having an affair. Are you sure this affair is just emotional & hasn't been physical? You said she's the type of person who jumps from relationship to relationship & in that case, I don't think this is your fault. I think you just fell in love with the wrong woman. And if that is who she is, will she ever really change? For you or anyone else? I am sorry about your situation, but I feel if you split it is for the best. And her not being able to conceive may be a blessing in disguise. I myself have a 6 mo. old baby & trust me, it makes even the best of marriages strained at times. I don't think that having a baby would have made this situation or her behavior any better. In fact it may of made her feel trapped. I think that if you can't work it out, you need to take this as a lesson learned & remember this when you are looking for a partner in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): You wanna fix this quick, leave her alone, stop caring to much, act happy, tell her well maybe you don't love me anymore that is ok, fine no biggie. You are entileted to your happiness. Stop focusing only on her, go out meet new male friends (no females) or meet the ones you already have, ocupy your time, get busy. You see your wife has low self steem and she needs a strugle in her life, you love her to much and she knows it, so she looks down on you for doing so. I bet lots of money that if you stop caring so much and act happy the affair or posible affair stops and then you can go to counseling and fix your marriage in a more productive way. Works like a charm,,,Take care ---
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (1 November 2007):
"I need my space". . . the four words that tell you that someone is either cheating or planning on cheating. I've heard these words too many times myself. The result was always the same. The relationship was over.
As one of the other writers mentioned, she needs to be willing to end the relationship with the co-worker. The Co-worker relationships I've seen over the years rarely last . . . they are just convenient.
Go to counseling and see if she's willing to make a go of it with you. If she has to change jobs to get away from her co-worker, so be it.
She has to be the one that makes the committment. If she's not willing, let her go. You can't make her love you if she doesn't.
Good luck, from one who's been there.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Sorry to hear about your turmoil, and i'm sure it's all very confusing to you. Your wife seems to still love you dearly.She agreed to the counseling and she made an effort by reminding you of the watch, which was sweet of her. Maybe she's a bit confused at the moment, and her past routine in relationships is catching up with her. Maybe she feels it is time to move on, because her "clock" is saying so. However, she is still around. The affair is / was horrible, and i'd make totally sure that it was over. In this instance i don't even think it would be strange of you to request she confirms this. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive her, it is fantastic. Things happen very fast sometimes - or at least it feels that way - the saying, life is like a roller coaster- is very true, it has it's natural ups and down. Now sometimes, we love feeling good so much that we create a false HIGH. Although our roller coaster is on a downward slope, we still feel like we're at the peak, and then one day, we realize it was a fake feeling, and then we Plummet into that dark hole of depression. When this is the space you are in, just remember that your cart will steadily take on the incline again. And things will go better. Best is to accept the "down" times as they come, because it is a natural part of life.Don't make any hasty decisions. But try and keep to a time frame. you can even discuss this with your counselor. Review your relationship after a couple of sessions, and then make a decision.Good luck
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi,
This is a tough situation, and I feel really sorry for the both of you.
Are you sure she is not seeing her co-worker anymore, because its no good going to see a councillor if she is still being dis-honest. I have no doubt that she feels guilty for what she has done to you, but that's is no good to you if she isnt trying to prove that she loves you and wants to make a go of things.
It sounds to me like its very one-sided, and you are doing all the work to try and fix things between you. Having a baby is not the answer to your problems. In fact it may have made them worse.
You need to get to the truth and see what it is that she wants. If its you, then you can work together and make it right again. But if its not you will have to let go.
I know thats not very encouraging to hear, but its the truth.
XX
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