A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiThis is my first time posting a question but I figured what the hell. I am going to be 27 this year and I am still a virgin. It shouldn't be that big a deal but I feel like it is one. All my friends have had sex and some are even married with kids. I am embarassed and sometimes think I will never get a boyfriend. I often get approached when i am in pubs but I always assume the guy just wants to have sex so I back off as I couldn't lose my virginity on a one night stand. I have tried giving my telephone number to guys after chatting to them but they never call. Probably because why bother waiting for a girl when you can easily find someone to have sex with you. I have kissed guys but then they even tried pulling off my trousers or say bye when I said I wasn't going to go home with them. My problem is I have always got male attention- from the age of 12 I was tall and so I often got older men hitting on, which freaked me out a bit. People assume I have a boyfriend. It is very strange my relatives and people at work often assume i have a boyfriend but I am being secretive about it. They can't believe I am not going out with someone. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I want a boyfriend. I want to be intimate with someone I trust. I feel like I am not really living. Yet I am scared of having sex and the person laughing at me, or it being a one night stand which I don't think I could handle. Also I have issues with my dad. He was very touchy feely and would often kiss my female cousins lingerly on the lips in front of me. He was generally inappropriate with no concept of the notion of privacy, which is so important for a teenage girl. If I am having a nice dream (I only have romance in my dreams- pathetic I know) it will turn into my dad just when things are getting interesting. I wake up feeling disgusting and dirty. Do I need to get counselling? Where I can meet someone and get comfortable with them before things get more serious. I have only had one proper boyfriend, a friend, but that didn't work out because after a month I hadn't slept with him so he dumped me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank everyone who responsed. It was really reassuring to get such great advice- to not feel like a freak but a person who just hasn't met the right person yet. I also take on board the comment about meeting people in pubs. I am just not sure where to meet someone. Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks again- I was really touched by the comments and I feel much more secure in my decisions to date.
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 As you say about your Dad, and really due to his behavior you mentioned, you remain in confusion about sex life. You are right in your saying this 'He was generally inappropriate with no concept of the notion of privacy, which is so important for a teenage girl'
Now be conscious about your problem. Control it. Be sure about your choice, and all will be well. Sex has high esteem, because it give us the ideas of 'freedom'. And, freedom is more important than anything else in the world. So, now begin to esteem sex, is your first step and second to decide for your love one. You do not need any counseling. Your moral sense is good and satisfactory. Just correct your concept about life and sex, which you got from your family, so it is not your fault, but you should correct it.
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A
male
reader, caterpillarchapstick  +, writes (3 February 2010):
its ok to be a virgin but don't be afraid of sex. obviously you have an issue with your father. thats ok. lots of other girls have similar father issues that emerge in their sex lives. you need some male attention because you crave it naturally (this will ease your issue). do something to get guys to notice you, be extremely confident, practice acting flirty in the mirror, look into your own eyes and love yourself. NOT all guys are just after sex, trust me.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 Just a bit of advice, a pub might not be the best place to find a guy who is looking for romance rather then action.
As for counseling, well, if you feel that there is a deeper issue going on, then that might help. Sometimes one of the most basic things they let people do is write down what they are feeling, just as a way to vent things. Sometimes it just helps to talk about things with someone who you do not know personally.
So far, you have had one guy dump you because you didn't want to sleep with him within one month. So that worked out okay, because it is clear he was just after sex.
Now, all guys are going to want sex, the trick is to find someone who wants it from you for a very long time. And that ain't easy to find, especially as said, in a pub.
You are 27 and still looking for someone as a virgin. Is that bad? What about plenty of other female posters, who are also 27 (and much older) have had a string of one night stands and are also still looking? Who is happier? Who is more in need of counseling?
Wrong question. Right question is: would you be happier if YOU were a 27 year old non-virgin and looking for "I want a boyfriend. I want to be intimate with someone I trust."
Live is about choices, good or bad, and the consequences of those choices make you who you are. You could have slept with that one bf, and then what? Would that relationship have been successful or would he have dumped you just a bit later, for instance right after the sex?
What I am trying to say is that you are who you are. You are not the type to jump in the sack with just anyone. Do you want to change that? No, you just want to find someone who shares your outlook on life and who loves you and wants to be with you.
So, don't try to change who you are. If you think the issues with your father are causing harm, then you might just try a session to just air things and see what comes up.
But mostly I would suggest you change the places you hang out so that you meet a different type of guy.
Yet stay true to who you are, because loosing your virginity is no problem at all. Millions of girls manage it, few are happy with who they did it with.
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A
female
reader, pdow +, writes (3 February 2010):
sweetheart i am 51 years old an di can tell you fist hand that you are doing the rite thing not letting men use you,most of my life i thought to get someone to care about me i had to have sex,it got me nowhere all it did was cause me to lose respect for myself and gave me a bad reputation.youll know when the rite man comes into your life and one day he will just give it time and when tou least expect it love will find you,go on with your life and be proud that you are a virgin your friend may tease you but its only because they envey you,so far as the suituwaytion with your dad,i wont go there good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): I have to say, I was you a few years ago.Believe it or not, I lost my virginity only two years ago to think I was already 30 at that time. The funny thing is, everyone thinks I had been sexually active for years but i was never been touched until just recently. I actually made it seem like that because I didn't want my friends to laugh at me because everyone was doing it.Finally I met someone and I told him the truth. Eventually we slept together and I can say he helped me heal on that department because for years i believed that men only wanted sex from me. I have fears that the moment they sleep with me, they will leave me after. Once you break that barrier, you will feel that it wasn't that bad after all. You will even forget about it. So my suggestion is that, why not meet someone you really like and if he has invitations for sex..sleep with him after a month. See how you feel after. As they say, you will never know how it feels until you experience it. It's true indeed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): I don't think there is anything wrong or strange about being a virgin at 27. In fact, from reading your question, I think you have done the right thing in refusing to sleep with guys who only wanted sex. I would do the same, I cannot have one night stands. If guys are not interested in you if you won't have sex with them, they are not worth it.
However, your fears may also be preventing you from meeting nice guys who would like a proper relationship with you. If you feel that this is holding you back from getting to know guys, then it does sound like counselling might be helpful. I think the way you feel is understandable, considering the unwanted male attention you received when you were younger, and how your father didn't respect boundaries. It sounds like these things are affecting you, including your dreams, so once again, I think it might be a good idea to try and find some form of counselling.
I would just like to say though, do this for YOU! Don't let other people get to you. I know that is not easy to do. But it sounds like you are making judgements on yourself based on what other people think of you. Because people around you assume you must be seeing someone, and can't believe that you are not, it is making you feel like there is something wrong with you. Well, there isn't! You are free to live your life as you want to, and it is nothing to do with anyone else. You haven't met the right person yet, and you respect yourself too much to have a one night stand. I don't see how this is weird, I think it is admirable.
But this situation is bringing you down and affecting you, so yes, if you feel it might help, do seek counselling. Just talking to someone about these things can help a lot. You may be able to put the past behind you, and move on with more confidence. That can only be a good thing! I hope everything works out well for you. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): Theres a few things you say that make me think, this is going to be a quick fix. So I hope this can be an eye opener for you, I feel that I can identify with what you are saying, and changing just a few things really helped me! Im thinking you can do the same!
First off I want to address the dreams you have of romance, and then they turn into being your father. I am a dream interpreter, and this isn't unusual. Its highly embarrassing, because it's taboo and all with incest and all that. But the things is: it's a dream, and dreams can very rarely be translated directly into real life. In my dreams, I have had sex with every male member of my family, father, brother, step-dad, everyone. What it means is that your father is the male role model in your life. When we seek out partners (and this one I am sure you've heard before) we look for the ones with the same qualities, or opposite qualities, of our male role models. How does your father treat you in those dreams, and how do you feel about it in those dreams? Not how you feel when you wake up though! But do you feel good in the dreams? If so, then the qualities of your father are the ones you are looking for in a partner. If you are uncomfortable in your dream, it can mean that you think his qualities are bad, but since you do not dream of other men, it means you don't know of any other male to be with.
So if you feel, like you stated in the post too, that your fathers kissing was inappropriate, and disgusted you, you also feel that way about other men. All they want is sex, the are inappropriate, they disgust you. Didn't respect your privacy, and you don't feel that any man will be able to respect that privacy.
Of course, I could be wrong, like I said it depends on how you feel about your father in your dreams. I am sure he has good qualities too, that maybe in a wake state you don't see.
Now back to your original problem. You think guys only want sex. That is wrong. They don't. But certain guys, at a certain time in their lives, they want sex. These guys tend to go out to bars and clubs. Which is, by the sound of things, where you go to try and find a decent man. You could succeed, I have in the past. I picked up a guy out on town and we ended up being together for a year and a half. But I didn't sleep with him at first! So, not all men want just sex. Some want a relationship!
This means, you are looking for the wrong men, and you are unable to judge who wants what. So to make it easier for yourself, just be honest. Be very honest. Say that you are looking for a serious relationship. And, when being serious, people usually don't have sex right away! People, men and women alike, prefer to wait a little and get to know each other first. Even teenagers like it this way. Its because if you jump into bed right away, the relationship doesn't get a solid foundation to grow on. The relationship will be more focused on sex, which sex is not one of the foundations of a relationship. What is a good foundation is friendship, honesty, and trust.
So what you have to do is be honest. Be honest with the men you meet about what you are looking for. And then when you meet someone whos just as honest with you in return, go for it. Here's an example of what I would say "I am looking for something more serious than a one night stand". If the guy is still up for it, then you have to date him first, and then see if you actually like each other. Once you get to that point, have a serious talk about sex and explain that you are a virgin.
Now, for how long do you intend to keep your virginity? Until you are married? Until you are in love? Make up your mind about that, or at least give it some thought, because the guy who falls in love with you will want to know when he can make love to you as well.
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