A
male
age
41-50,
*unner
writes:im another 27 year old male virgin, and dont know why. i am in good shape and work out. i have not much self confidence and no self image really and im afraid to get intimate, becuase im inexperinced in sex. i am really afraid to talk to and approach women. I have only been on three dates, and my last date, it was the third date and we started kissing and i said i got to leave becuase i was afraid of getting intimate. should i see a sex therapist or somebody for my problem? I really want to find a nice girl to date, i would feel more comfortable i was dating a women my age that was also a virgin. what should i do? please help!
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male
reader, runner +, writes (3 January 2010):
runner is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have never been abused, and i do like women.
A
male
reader, runner +, writes (3 January 2010):
runner is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have never been sexually abused and i do like women its just that it all terrifies me. I its not easy for me to ask a woman out, and being afraid to have sex is part of the problem.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (3 January 2010):
 I did a special seminar for adult male virgins such as yourself.
You can hear CD previews for free at
http://www.franktalks.com
It sounds like you do know why. You are scared of having sex. Are there reasons like being a sex abuse victim, or just the fact that you don't like girls and would rather be with boys. If that is the case, yes you might need a therapist to come to terms with your past and or your orientation.
Self confidence is a result of doing something. You do not wait to feel confident to do something. You just do it, and learn from the experience for the next time.
Sex is one of the those things that you simply have to start without experience. The longer you wait, the worse it is for a man. (Age 25 is where it starts to get very emotionally painful for a man).
It is not something you can run from. If you have any issues like I mentioned above, yes, see a therapist. Otherwise, enjoy the physical sensation with a girl you like and take it at a slow pace.
A woman can afford to wait to make her first time special because she is on the receiving end of so much of the sexual attention that is communicated. Men have to go after what they want, and risk rejection, and that is why a man's first time, needs to be as soon as possible.
I have coached adult male virgins for years, and wrote the Adult Male Virgin Handbook. It takes work and you have to be willing to do what it takes.
-Frank Kermit
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (3 January 2010):
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there!
I presume your are ultimately looking for a life-partner relationship, not just somebody to satisfy your needs for companionship and sex. Rather than bars, clubs, etc you may have to start in places like laundromats, bowling leagues, etc. But, in my opinion, the most effective approach may be:
Let some older adults know about your situation!
Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers or professors; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. (Yes, it might possibly be a licensed counselor or sex therapist.) Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Folks your own age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
I'll also elaborate on some other suggestions you may hear. (I posted most of this over a year ago in the thread "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf! Any advice?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html . There are some other good ideas there, too.)
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many girls in a monastery, but you don't have to hang out in a beauty parlor to be around women. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes for fun. Or even a mixed athletic team, like tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process may be easier, and quicker, if one of your guy-friends goes with you. Ask him to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of female acquaintances as potential dates, relationships, or bed partners. (I KNOW this is hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around girls, talking with them, working with them. And don't concentrate on girls alone - even men you know have daughters, cousins, coworkers for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks, either yours or the girls'. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Not necessarily the couples you went to school with, but rather the couples your parents' age, who have stable, long-term relationships. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question (but that's something you're still too young to appreciate).
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a super-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and either avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
Here's my true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is almost your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
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A
female
reader, snail  +, writes (3 January 2010):
Im a 25yr old virgin, I want to wait for the right guy.
I think that the right girl will be very lucky to have you in their life.
I believe that if someone truely loves and cares about you then they will understand and let you go at your own pace in the relationship.
Give it time and just see how things go and when you start getting close to someone talk to her and explain how you feel etc.
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