A
male
age
36-40,
*fakex
writes:Hi, I'm just looking for dating advice for a very shy, confident-less person really, but I'll give you some back story.I'm 27 year old male living in a small UK town and i've never had a proper relationship, this is not from me being a 'playa', I am in fact still a virgin as well, but that doesn't bother me too much, it's a relationship I want. I'm not pretty but also think I'm no hideous monster when I'm objective about it, but I have no confidence in my looks and am overweight, the idea or known how about how to approach a strange woman and try to ask her out totally elude me.I've tried online dating but I live in a town on the coast so there isn't a lot of woman, and the ones that are there just ignore me because of my looks.I'm trying to improve my life, I've lost 20lbs so far and continuing to eat health and exercise, and I'm planning on moving back to a major city soon, where there should be just more woman so more chance! But still this isn't helping me now, I'm in fact suffering from anxiety about being single and very worried I will never find anyone. I'm also worried that even if I reach my health goals I still won't gain any confidence.I'm not a bad guy and my intentions are real; I want someone long term for female companionship, but I can't show this when I'm so shy and unattractive. :(
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confidence, overweight, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 I have worked with a number of adult aged virgins. Wrote a book about it, and did a seminar.
A lack of confidence may be only a symptom of the deeper issues. Depending on what is holding you back, you need to look at the overall source. A desire to be perfect first? A need to have control? A lack of willingness to take risks? A deep rooted fear of intimacy? All can be at the source of your unwillingness to seek out a partner.
On the one hand, you want a partner, but when it comes to committing to actions that would DIRECTLY put you in a position of emotional vulnerbility, my experience tells me that you likely abandon doing those necessary actions.
Here are some radio interviews and articles I have written about it that you can check out for free:
http://www.franktalks.com/the-adult-male-virgin-program/
-Frank
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 "I'm also worried that even if I reach my health goals I still won't gain any confidence."
But if you reach your health goals you will be more attractive to more women. That means you will have more women who are interested in you, and this more potential for finding someone who you can be happy with. The confidence will rise by itself once you start getting out there and taking some chances.
You got to go out of your comfort zone really. Dating isn't safe and comfortable, it is weird, awkward, scary and takes guts. Few people if any found it relaxing and great when they first started dating someone. Only a lucky few got an easy start by being head hunted by someone who already loved them, the rest of us have to filter through tons of bad dates and incompatible people before we find someone who likes us and who we like back.
But you wont get to the finish if you dont even meet up and the starting line, you know. You got to get out there and start dating. Not ONLINE dating. Real life dating. Ask a girl out. Befriend a stranger. Befriending a stranger is very much similar to flirting or picking someone up. So if you can learn how to small-talk and converse with strangers then you can also ask out women on a date.
You also need to focus on what you can bring to the table, and not ever, at all, mention any negative things about yourself. Let the woman discover any negative sides on her own, it is NOT your job to determine whether you are good enough for someone or not. They decide that. So when you start up a conversation do not be brutally honest and pessimistic.
Instead, focus on attractive sides of you. You are 27 (young), and probably have a career or a job somewhere. A steady and reliable income, no matter if it is big or small money, is attractive. You don't smoke I presume, also attractive. You're interested in health and fitness, as you are working to lose weight. That is attractive. You're interested in long term relationship, also attractive to women. You have certain values and morals I assume, think about those and think about what you want out of a relationship. Morals, even if they simply come from you being shy, could be things like: you don't like the thought of casual sex, or you value sex and think that should be preserved for serious relationships (women like that). Say that for this reason you have not yet had sex, because you want a real relationship first. A woman will then feel special if she can be your girlfriend.
Paint yourself in a good light, without lying though. Just be honest about the GOOD things about you and the attractive sides about you. So you don't think you're physically attractive. Well, surprise surprise but that's not one of the top things on a womans list of priorities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): Looks have nothing to do it. I've seen all kinds of unattractive people (for example, morbidly obese, toothless, with acne, huge nose, disfigured face, you name it) with a partner, happily walking down the street holding hands.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 Well first off I think it's great that you're working on improving your health. Losing weight, and achieving your goal(s) weight wise will not only make you look better physically, but you'll feel better as well. And when you believe you look good... your confidence WILL increase. I would also encourage you to create a list of things that you like/love about yourself. Set them up as positive affirmations that you can look at and repeat daily- especially when you're feeling down or depressed. And understand that you DO have something to offer in a relationship and you ARE capable of meeting women. Change your negative mindset, and start thinking more positive. You deserve happiness as much as the next person... and you are capable of attaining it.
I'd like to also encourage you to read the following articles... I believe they may be very beneficial to you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/need-a-confidence-booster.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-approach-a-girlthe-right-way.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what--women-want-most-from-a-guy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/three-ways-to-know-that-your-ready-for.html
Best Wishes!
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