A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been chatting to a 18 year old girl on the internet for that last 4 weeks now and she now wants to meet me in person. Problem is I'm 44 years old. It started off just chatting as friends, but as we chatted more and more we realised that we both had a lot in common and liked the same things in life. We have discussed the age difference and she says it is not an issue, but I'm just worried about what reaction we will get from family and friends if this develops into a full-blown relationship. Ant advice would be gratefully received. Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your comments everyone, good and bad.
I've spoken to her mum on-line about this, and even she seems happy about the whole thing saying things like, she's got an old head on her shoulders, she knows what she wants, she'll make this work etc.
Well, I've agreed to meet this girl as friends and see what happens.
Maybe that will put everything into perspective.
I'll keep you updated for anyone that's interested.
Many thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): I think I can relate to the girl you are talking about. When feelings developed between me and the older guy I mentioned in my previous post, I was completely certain of how I felt and what I wanted. He was very confused and undecided. Like you, this man told me all his concerns, and said things like, "But what about this? Have you thought about that? And what about this?..." However, although I could understand his worries, and knew he was making valid points, I had already considered everything seriously, and knew I wanted to give things a try. It sounds like this is what you and this girl are experiencing.
I really think it depends on you. If you did get involved with her, how do you think you would cope? Would you feel happy? I mean, does the thought of trying with her give you a good feeling? Or a bad feeling? Does it feel "right"...or wrong? Would you be constantly worrying what other people might be thinking? Would you feel insecure with her?
Like I said before, I think that if you feel it is right for you, you should do what makes you happy. And if that means trying with this girl, then go for it. Yes, there are some valid concerns regarding an age difference like this. But nobody knows what the future holds. If you have a chance of happiness together, I think it would be a shame to throw that away because of fears of things which might never happen. I mean, you could meet someone closer to your age and be unhappy. The relationship might not work. I really think it just depends on the people involved, and not things like age.
But I may be biased in my opinion on this, simply because I experienced the same thing. I think you have received some really varied advice and opinions here, which is great. I think you need to think about it, and decide what feels best for you. In all honesty though, although my relationship with this guy didn't work out, I do not regret it. I don't look back and think, "What was I thinking?!" I have no regrets, and I would have put everything into making a relationship work if he had done the same. In my eyes, it was not a mistake. But it really does depend on whether you think you could deal with the worries and doubts. If you think they would get in the way, it might suggest that a relationship wouldn't be the right thing. Not if it will trouble you a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your replies everyone. I've put all of the issues you raised to the girl in question, and she still seems determined. She says that I am the one with issues and that she has even told her parents and they are fine with the situation. They even want to meet me. I am therefore now even more confused. Do I let her down gradually and wonder for the rest of my life, or do I go for it and see what happens. Any further advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks again everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): No matter how mature she thinks she is and how much you have in common, she hasn't hasn't even begun her life yet. Have you asked yourself why she is spending so much time chatting with you? She's maybe a little lacking in confidence and you make her feel safe because of your maturity. In reality she should be out in the world making and losing friends, falling in and out of love with boys/men in a similar age group and experiencing life. I think you're flattered which is understandable but if I were you I would encourage her to develop a life outside of chat rooms with people her own agee. Have you thought about why you are attracted to an 18 yr old? Is she 'safe' because you have all the control? Consider this seriously before she gets hurt and it affects the rest of her life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): I think your nuts. I'm 41 and there's no way in hell I'd date someone that young. What are you gonna do when she decides she wants a child?Your gonna 65 years old and still have a kid in school.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Do you guys have anything in common? If so, then why not met with her.
Personally, I think 26 years is WAY to big of an age gap for several reasons.
1. YOU have already lived 1/2 your life (no offense) you have had an education, career, maybe even a family, and lots of life experiences. She has had little to none of any of these.
2. YOU are (most likely) financially independent she is (most likely) not.
3. Libido. You are (again no offense) middle aged/ close to middle-age and your libido/stamina is declining. SHE hasn't even REACHED her sexual potential.
4. You are (I hope) a mature adult, she is barely an adult.
5. Values/morals/ethics. YOU are most likely pretty certain of your own personal values/moral/ethics/spirituality/political orientation and so forth, SHE on the other hand is still on the bottom of the learning curve for these.
However, that doesn't mean it can't work out for the two of you. Why not met and see how you two click face-to-face?
Maybe you can just prove me wrong ;) I think worrying about what others might think is useless. They might not like her because she is a redhead, or has a funny accent.. If your friends and family loves you, and SHE makes YOU happy they ought to support you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): Okay, well I personally think if you two like each other, you should go for it. I know that is difficult though, as you worry about the reactions from other people. But I believe you have to think of yourself first. If you live your life according to the expectations and general rules of other people, you won't be happy. And I think that, with time, people may simply get used to it, and will stop seeing it as a big deal.
When I was 19, I was involved with a man who was in his early forties. It honestly didn't bother me, and the people who knew me were more accepting that I had thought they would be. There were some people who were not happy, but I felt I was doing the right thing.
The only word of warning I will give is that if you think it will really concern or bother you, it might be better if you just be friends. I say this because during my relationship with that guy, although I did not care about the age difference, he did. It bothered him a lot, and it caused problems. He was uncomfortable with us being seen together, and constantly worried I would leave him for someone younger. It was really difficult, and it all contributed to the relationship falling apart.
So I think it depends on how much it will bother you. If you would be okay about it, and are just worried about the reactions of other people, I think you should do what you want, and try not to let other people hold you back. But if you think YOU might have difficulty accepting the age difference, or if she might...that is different, and that will need to be worked on first. Otherwise, I think it will get in the way of any relationship.
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