A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Failed relationship after failed relationship. That's what it seems like to me. 21 and single yet again. I know having a boyfriend isn't the only thing that matters in life but it's really getting me down. I keep thinking 'he's a keeper' and it never turns out that way. My family and friends all say i have a string of men after me but i seem to always pick the bad ones. I'm not interested in having a boyfriend now but i have said his before. Just want a guy who will stay and not do drugs or cheat etc. I want to know how to find the right guy.. Any advice off men and women of all ages and experiences will be accepted. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help everyone. Thing is i've known him for well over a year and he has been nice to me then in the relationship he was still nice to me. He said he'd waited ages for me to come along and give him a chance but i told him no and months down the line i gave him a chance because he seemed genuine. He told my friend, that worked in the bar where he cheated, that we were over when we weren't then he cheated and dumped me by text! I'm ok now and have gotten over it but i heard he had cheated on a previous girlfriend of three years! So i guess once a cheater always a cheater and he talks a load of rubbish. I am now going to concentrate on me and the more important people in my life (family and friends) and not give into guys so easily as my parents have also said i seem to do, so its going to stop from now on and that i can do better. Thanks again :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): There is no magic way to find the right guy, it just happens. Relax, and enjoy going out, without thinking is this the 'keeper'
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Sorry, but wait until you are 27 and single. Then you can start to worry.
From a bitter, single 27 year old who hasnt had a boyfriend in years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Ok lets begin a journey of YOU thinking outside the usual ' relationship and dating box' and certainly out of the usual, he will just appear, be the one, and be your perfect soul-mate.
There are MANY ' the ones' in life, otherwise no one would ever divorce and re-marry, LOVE as much if not more than the first time, or a relationship to end only to go on and fall in love hook line and sinker at a later date.
I am a relationship consultant full-time, and advice on all the things you seem to be perplexed about, so I'm going to take this one step at a time.
1. You have NOT failed at any relationship because it has ended - you have merely exhausted ALL possibilities for that connection to move with GROWTH and COMMON GOALS to progress beyond what you have now. That is NOT failure but educating yourself in what works and what doesn't. That is healthy!
2. If every time one had a relationship or dated someone and it never ended, then ONE-NIGHT stands would not be one-night stands as all those connections would lead to marriage. This is NOT how human beings work emotionally.
3. You are 21 at most from your question, so the learning curve to KNOW 100% what is going to work for you long-term is still very much in it's infancy stages of absorbing what you need to know - No one is expected to pass with a first class degree without first putting in the work to understand and gain knowledge to succeed. Relationships are NO different!
4. Society and the way we are brought up, needs to be changed. IF a relationship ENDS it is NOT FAILURE..the emotional impact of this thinking has people emotionally held back sometimes for years and harbouring emotional baggage that is very difficult to work through.
As for this fallacy that the ONLY way to meet someone worthwhile who is going to be right for us, is ONLY by BUMPING into them is ludicrous. Let me explain further, anything that is worthwhile in life whether is a good job, a home we love, or gaining a degree or whatever it is we want, comes from IN-PUT and NOT just waiting for it to happen. Have you ever heard of anyone with a brilliant career, advising someone, don't look for a career, don't study for it, because it will just happen one day, fall into your lap, and hey it will be perfect..NO of course you haven't!
The same applies to seeking out the right partners, in a less scientific approach. By bumping into people, we are trusting our futures to the unknown, well until we've become emotionally involved, and six months down the line, we find out they don't want marriage, are drug users, have a girlfriend, or they just wanted casual sex before moving on to the next person. There is a whole list I could go through, but I won't as I'm sure you see what I mean.
First I would advise YOU to know what you're looking for in a guy, and NO I don't mean that he's ripped with a six pack, or you can't resist him physically, that tells you nothing about what will make him a good partner IF that is what you want. Although personally at 21 my feelings are you should be learning these things about people by wisely dating and not becoming physically involved UNTIL you know what he's like beyond the first stages of trying to IMPRESS.
Jump in head first, then you're likely to be finding out ALL the bad habits one by one as the months progress, but then as I say, you've already jumped.
If you say you are attracting/picking the wrong guys..drug addicts..cheaters..where are you meeting these men? What is YOUR SELECTION process for a choosing a guy? I hope some of this has intrigued you a little, and to think more about taking CONTROL of WHO you want in your life, and NOT leaving it to chance. Ask questions before you hop into bed, make sure HE is on the same path as you for future goals, whether it's having a good job, to whether he's just looking to date but nothing serious, or wanting to get married - TO very importantly NOT being into drugs.
I personally have never met or been in a relationship with a drug user, just not on my radar, and the reason I mention this, because I want you to see you can control who you have in your life, and those you don't, by using a selection process of criteria that will find YOU want you want.
Briefly your list could be:
NO drugs - does he mix with people who take drugs
NO guys who haven't had a relationship that lasted 2 years.
NO guys who have ever cheated, but ended their relationship first before moving on.
I think you will see that would eliminate quite few, NOT perfect, and nothing is, nor do we get guarantees, but it sure helps in whittling the possibilities into frame work that could benefit you long-term.
Good luck!
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): yeap i agree it will happen when it happens. the best way to know if a guy loves you or not is if he treats you nicely. thats it.
do not lower your standards. do not let go of principles you live by. if a guy puts up with that and still treats you nicely. he is a keeper.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I can totally relate to how you are feeling but I am 22 and single yet again!! It is such a difficult situation...personally I hate the whole dating situation...my first long term boyfriend was a friend before we started dating and my second long term boyfriend was just someone who I made friends with during freshers at university. After splitting up from my second long term boyfriend i have been on a few dates and i haaaaate them! The whole situation seems so fake and what if the guy is a total psycho...i actually had to run out of the cinema at one point!! As i have just qualified as a teacher...my mum and dad like to think im guna meet a nice teacher somewhere along the line and although i laugh it off i would rather wait all my life for mr right then spend a thousand dates with mr wrong!! I always tell my friends that they need to love themselves before they let somebody love them and im concentrating on that at the moment...you should too! good luck! xx
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