A
female
age
41-50,
*sthang993
writes:Just to let you all know, this is pretty long. And it's not one of those questions where the answer is right there in front of me. So I need some outside sources. There might be some people who have had a similar situation as I am having now. So here it goes.When I was a freshman in high school, I met someone who blew me away. We were in the getting to know each other phase and doing really well. My parents were extremely strict back then and I wasn't allowed to go on any dates. So we were limited to talking on the phone and hanging out at school. Which was fine with me. We were all set to go to a dance together and were having a great time at first. Then I stepped out for a moment. And that's when my sister stepped in. A little more history, he was a new guy at school and all of the girls wanted him. He was good looking, into music, and really going somewhere with himself. So a lot of girls were jealous that he approached me and was around me almost all the time. One of those girls was my sister. When i came back in to the dance, he had a serious look on his face and sat me down at a nearby table to talk to him. He told me that all we could ever be was friends and I didn't know why. Because things had been going so well. Nothing was rushed, it was evolving just the way it was supposed to. Everything felt right. But I kept going over in my head my actions and things I could have possibly said to make him think I wanted to rush things. At that time I was more cautious about things like that because I wanted it to work. So we were taking our time getting to know each other. But after he left, I asked my sister what happened, and she just smirked and shrugged her shoulders. I remember him walking away and I never saw him after that. So over the years I tried to look for him; it wasn't always, but maybe once or twice a year. Anyway, just last week, I woke up to a text one morning saying someone wanted to add me to a social network. It was him. We started talking right off the bat, and I found out what happened that night. My sister had in fact said something to him. She frightened him so much, saying that my dad would come after him if he (my dad) ever found out that he had taken me to the dance or ever decided to pursue a relationship with me. And since my parents were strict back then, he believed her. My dad was also a military man, and that scared him even more. Which is why he ran away. As we talked more, he later told me that he never forgot me and had been searching for me for the last 16 years. This was before I told him I had been doing the same. It feels so good to have him back in my life after all this time. The problem? He's married. He never thought he'd ever see me again, which is partly why he went ahead and got married. My question is, how can I get over these feelings? I realize they are mostly from our past. But now that we've been talking, as adults...things have changed. I want to be friends with him and respect his marriage. We have no idea what this all might mean. It may mean nothing, and then again it may mean something. It's so hard to explain, but it feels right having him back. I'm not saying that I love him. At this point, I don't even know what love is (relationship-wise). I had been so wrong about that before. But like I said before, I don't want to do anything to disrespect him or his marriage. And I won't. I do realize that it's a very fine line and it would be easy to cross. Thankfully we live a few hours apart, which right now is very good. However, i can't help but think that if he hadn't listened to my sister back then, things would have been much different.
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female
reader, msthang993 +, writes (16 December 2009):
msthang993 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input, however I disagree with you as far as me being "delusional". I was at the time very confused by what was going on, and yes I sought out advice. However, I am very well aware of what is going on and what the situation is. And as I said before I am not "expecting" anything. Unfortunately what you and everyone else sees on here is just a glimpse. Which is fine, people are entitled to their own opinion. I am well aware of that. I have taken some advice that was given to me, and tossed out the others. So the best thing for you and I to do is to agree to disagree. Take care and have a wonderful Christmas.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): You may have been offended and thought you were being judged by the advice of many of the aunts here. But if you come on here and have delusional thoughts written about a guy you liked 16 years ago and believed some of his ridiculous ego stroking statements, then you needed a slap in the head to face reality.
No one here "judged" you. We after all are human, we have to make some assumptions about you in order to give you advice and we base those assumptions on the written evidence you provided us.
The thing I am still not sure that you realize, is that you can tell yourself you have no "intention" of coming between him and his family nor do you "expect" him to leave his wife and family, but you negate all of that when you absolve yourself of responsibility if you decide to just stay in contact with him and develop an emotional connection no matter how false that connection may be, you are becoming a "direct threat" to his wife and family by doing that.. So you can sit there and say demurely, well it was his decision to start seeing me, it was his decision to leave his family or to have an affair, after all I am not the one who is married or cheating...I just have feelings for the man from 16 years ago that I don't know how to rid myself of, so I choose not to rid myself of them and get a grip on reality and I am just gonna be a passive participant (even thought that is an oxymoron) and just see how this thing plays out.
That is all, you still are in a bit of denial about your role in this, OK?
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female
reader, msthang993 +, writes (16 December 2009):
msthang993 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay well thank you, MOST of you for your answers. For those of you who were extremely negative towards me, let me clarify something. I am not indulging in an affair with him and I am not eluding myself into believe that this is la-la land. I have thought about how it would make me feel if I were the one married and in that situation. I would have to take a very long look at myself and my marriage, but that is for another blog. I do agree that not everything is black and white. We did not have a relationship as far as being boyfriend/girlfriend, but we were working on it. I am not expecting him to leave his family to be with me. I am not wanting him to break up his family in order to take that risk with me. When I wrote this, he had JUST come back into my life after all of that time. Yes I was confused as hell, but time has gone on since then and I have been able to sort out my feelings and thoughts. For those of you who understand where I was coming from, thank you. For those of you who felt that it was easy to judge me and assume that I am going to do whatever I can to get him back, you are very mistaken. I have never come between a man and wife and I never intend to. He has his own decisions to make and he will make them. If he decides to stay at home with his family, then that is his decision. If he decides to leave again that is his decision. I am not putting pressure on him one way or another.
I will not defend myself to some of the things that have been said on here. Only because it will sound catty and very childish. All I can say is, unless you were there back then, please refrain from rude and obnoxious comments. I am not living in a tv movie, nor do I feel that I am living in a fantasy world. I could see where that could be said if I had stated that I wanted to be with him and would do what I could to win his heart again. However, that is not what I said. All I had said was that I didn't know how to get over the feelings that were there 16 years ago. There was nothing about pursuing him. And also for clarification, it wasn't Facebook :). So again, thank you for the advice from those who weren't quick to judge. I really appreciate your words of wisdom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Whoa! I don't want to be harsh or anything, but you're basically gonna be a homewrecker, why the hell did he get married if he didn't truly love his wife? just to get over you? BULL SHIT. I understand its exciting to have the attention, but you need to think about his wife, what if you were some guys wife and he all of a sudden reconnected with some random bimbo how would that make you feel? This guy obviously doesn't respect his marriage, so therefore, he won't respect you stop talking to him before Karma bites you in the ass, this isn't some romantic comedy you see on TV
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Whoa! I don't want to be harsh or anything, but you're basically gonna be a homewrecker, why the hell did he get married if he didn't truly love his wife? just to get over you? BULL SHIT. I understand its exciting to have the attention, but you need to think about his wife, what if you were some guys wife and he all of a sudden reconnected with some random bimbo how would that make you feel? This guy obviously doesn't respect his marriage, so therefore, he won't respect you stop talking to him before Karma bites you in the ass, this isn't some romantic comedy you see on TV
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 December 2009):
 You are playing with fire and you are the one who will be burnt. You may respect his marriage right now but he sure doesn't. You say that he told you one of the reasons he went ahead and got married was because he didn't think he would ever see you again. Aren't you a little long in the tooth to believe something so ridiculous as that? Why would anybody say something like that unless they had ulterior motives? I bet he grimaced right after he said that whopper. Be a class act, okay? I'm awake and smell coffee, how about you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Wow we have some female Sherlock Holmes here.. omniscient beings. Please don't feel hurt by what they are saying. Many women here like to talk bad about men even when there is no hint of anything bad. If it is possible for you to have feelings for 16 years and possible for you to not find him for 16 years, it is possible for him as well. So if I can believe your story I can believe his story as well. He got married.. so what? Many people think things are black and white. They are not. It is a common saying that you never forget your first love. I believe many people who failed in their first love went ahead, got married and still have some feelings for their first love. To me his story seems very credible. And you haven't said anything to suggest that he wanted an affair or anything. You two can definitely be friends. But think of it and decide if you can be satisfied with that and stay that way. If you want more, his wife needs to know that. Just be careful not to hurt anyone or yourself. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): What exactly do you want from this relationship with this married man. Do you want to ‘just be his friend’ with the intention of slowly having an affair with this man. I think you are fooling yourself by thinking that you can just be his friend. You want much more and perhaps you believe mistakenly that you are entitled to him since you were broken up 15 years ago. If you continue in this manner you only have yourself to blame. You know that your relationship is almost inappropriate and that within one week you have become the other woman. You may fool yourself now saying that you want to respect his marriage but your are so far off the mark here. You are slowly invading his life and marriage and yes the longer you stay in contact with him the more you become the other woman. How many years has he been married. Do you think it is fair for you to be in his life while he betrays his wife and possibly kids? If he is really interested in you tell him to get rid of the wife and kids. After all you need to be fair. Let him release his wife so that she can move on, she can mourn the end of her marriage, heal and move on with another man. Do not become the other woman no matter how tempting it is. If you settle for shit then you only have yourself to blame. An affair may seem justified right now but is this the route you want to take in your life.
Strange how he has been looking for you for 16 years and could never find you and them suddenly there you are , waiting to welcome him back with open arms after all this time. He needs to cut the bull. This is so convenient for him. You are living in a fairy tale life right now sapping up all his bullshit. I think you are extremely lonely and that you are willing to eat up any cock and bull story. Open your eyes girl. This man is just looking for an easy lay and he thinks he has found it in you.
Listen to Rhythm, she knows what she is talking about. she makes wise comments and all her words are golden.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Oh my gosh, you are 30 some years old land you are falling for one of the oldest tricks in the book. This special guy you met when you were a CHILD is a classic cheater.
Come on get a grip on reality, he has NOT been pining away for you for the last 16 years, he has had a life and he got married.
Facebook has become an avenue for many people not so happy in a marriage and curious about people they knew in their past to look up these people out of sheer curiosity, then the flirting and bantering back and forth starts and he picks up on your tragic story about unrequited love because your sister chased him off and he ran with it.
I am sorry if I am not buying into your Harlequin romance and getting testy with you but if you were sitting next to me I would shake you until your head rattles and you start talking sense. You don't know each other, you are not going to be very much the same as you were when you were kids....I mean you have some shared history, but that is it!
Seriously, stop talking to this douche bag. I have no respect for married men that start coming onto women and pulling their emotional heart strings to get one huge ego boost and better yet maybe a sexual fling or affair out of the deal.
This guy is only in it for himself. You didn't even have a romance or a relationship back then to be nostalgic about so that should be one big red flag for you...you shared one dance. And if you buy that crap that he went ahead and got married because he thought he would never see you again, then I have some swamp land in Florida I would like you to look at to buy.
I am sorry that you are sucked into this melodrama, I am thinking you must currently be very lonely and even sad around the Holidays that you are single. Well I am single too, but you know what I am pretty good company to myself and I would much rather be on my own than be in a crappy relationship or settling for a dead end affair with a married man.
Do not even go there. Tell him it was nice catching up and wish him well and then don't continue talking to him or Facebooking him or what ever, it is a total waste of your time and is nothing but pure fantasy la la land...grow up already. Tough love, K?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): That's a sticky situation... I suggest you guys talk and see what happens it sounds meant to be to me! If you don't talk to him you will always be wondering what you were missing
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