A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Really need advice from anyone out there. I have been married for nearly 15 years (I'm 36) and have no children. Gradually the bullying and psychological abuse from my husband has increased, or perhaps with knowledge of what it is I have been aware of it more and more. I suffer with low self esteem and have been depressed in the past and I have reached a point where I feel I need to do 'something' but need to boost my confidence with the help, thoughts and advice from others. In only the last week I have put up with accusations (not of cheating but of doing something I have not done or not doing something I have done - for example around the house). Been blamed for 'not allowing' an electrician to finish work on the house (because my husband was away with work and I had to go out) I have been told I make no effort with my appearance and always buy cheap clothes (I'm a full time mature student!), that there is something fundamentally missing from deep inside me (character flaw), that my family are unsupportive (which is not true) and that I am a psycho or mentally unstable. This is not an unusual week - in fact I cannot remember a week without mental chaos like this - I live on a knife edge of what will happen next. My husband left me over Easter and told me he will be divorcing me asap because I snapped (I can only take so much over a number of days) and slapped his face (which I since apologised for) but he put me through hell telling me to leave the house - so I packed what I could. Now he is back to 'give me another chance'. He spent the weekend with his family who have never accepted me and tell me I am 'hard and cold' and now he has told me the terms by which HE is prepared to live with me. I listened to 3 hours of what he believes is wrong with me, including him now saying I am 'violent' until I could not take any more - I felt soul destroyed. He is also demanding that he makes an appointment at our GP and comes with me to tell them I need help. I have refused on two counts - I am not depressed and I'm doing a degree plus other courses trying to set up a small business and feel positive about that side of my life. The other being (which he has either forgot or sees as a sick joke)is that Saturday is my birthday. He accused my counsellor (who I saw 4 years ago when depressed) as being unprofessional and useless and maybe he should go back with me to her and see what the problem was. He has also announced to me that he is seeing his family on Sunday. At times during him telling me this he was almost theatrical in his facial expressions and I felt very threatened. The thing that has really made me write this post today is that I told my husband something in total and utter confidence about myself a few years ago and asked him to never repeat it to anyone and he promised. Its nothing evil but it was highly personal. He has now divulged this to his entire family over Easter - to add weight to his argument that I am not 'normal' (something he said over and over again). He spoke to my Dad over the phone and then twisted or lied to me about what my Dad said (which my Dad qualified later). There have been other times a bit like this and I regularly feel put down or undermined but this weekend just gone has nearly physically and mentally destroyed me. I feel I need to do something otherwise I am letting my family down and me. Because I am not thinking straight about what to do next I need support - if anyone has any advice for me I would be so grateful. Feeling a bit desperate.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 April 2009):
Personally I think you have stayed with this guy for far too long.
Move back home with your parents.
Go to marriage guidance counselling if you want as I think they will point out to your husband that he is the psychopath in this relationship.
But to be honest, I don't think either of you are very happy and if you tell him that you think you'd be better off splitting then I don't think he'd complain.
Both of you are unhappy and both of you have problems so end it and move on separately.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (15 April 2009):
 My god!he is a monster!and absolute disgusting horrible man!!!you definately need to get out there! i thought he was doing you a favour when he said he wanted a divorce but then came back to give YOU another chance! pffffffffffft!!!he is going to break you!! you realy don't deserve all this put down and bullying from him!! he cannot rule your life for you! you are your own woman! and you know what you like and dislike you don't need to be spoon fed when eating you can do it for yourself. you need to get a solicitor and get out of that marriage!!he's cruel he is a disgrace!! i am glad you've got no children (no offence) because for them to be brought up in a world and home where he controls every little thing you do your children would need therapy!!you seem a lovely enough woman and so what you slapped him! look at what he's driven you too!! putting you down making you feel useless and making out that you are some kind of nut case when he is the nut case!!i really highly suggested you get a solicitor and get a divorce on the table show him you are not going to take this rubbish from him anymore!!!show him you know your own mind you ARE NOT mentally unstable and you can speak for yourself!! speak to some friends or your family about giving you some support i am sure they all know what he is like and will back you up all the way!! especially your dad seeing as he lied about what your dad had said to him.you do need to get out PRONTO!don't let him grind you down anymore don't stoop to his level show him you got your own mind and you are mentally fine!! i feel for you so much after you putting up with this rubbish!you've got courses to do in order to set up your own business you don't need someone like that breathing down your neck everytime you're doing something or putting you down making you feel really small about what you're doing. you will do it. you'll get there and show him you're stronger than he thinks!!hope this helps!!
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