A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First off I feel weird/bad for even making this post. Our relationship is actually really good, but we had a rough year due to stuff that was out of our hands, but is finally ending february 1st. We are both 30, have been together since we were 17. I dealt with anxiety for the first time in my life this year, which definitely brought some of this to the surface. I knew about most of her past quite quickly into the relationship, and it did bother me but I felt so lucky to be with her that it didn’t matter. She made me feel good anywhere we went, knowing she was very good looking and was all over me. I was a virgin when we met, only kissed two girls and only made out with one for like 3 seconds… I had one “serious” GF in 7th grade for like a year but yeah. I was scared of girls when I was younger, then I was serious about sports and the rest of my time was unfortunately selling weed and smoking it. She knew I didn’t like her past as it started to bother me, we did get into some fights but I had to drop it eventually. The main reason it bothered me is because some of the guys I knew, and they were genuinely gross dudes she had 1 nighters with. I remember when we first started talking she showed me this bruise on her inner thigh, told me it was from her falling or something only for me to learn later it was from a guy she had sex with… we’ve had sex many hundreds if not pushing 1k times and Idk how that could even happen. I know she regrets telling me all this, plus that she kissed 100 guys. She’s been with like 20 guys to my zero. I wasn’t some ugly lame dude, just was a hustler and into sports more than chicks for whatever reason. The first time we had sex we never used a condom (only used one twice in 13 years ha,) because she was on BC so I just imagine it was like that for everyone else. I will say that she is very loyal, I really have nothing to bitch about because the moment we started talking it’s been her and I the whole time. Totally trust eachother, good sex life…. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m not happy with where i’m at in life, and am changing that. Plus I just wish she never experienced all that with all those people, she’s genuinely a really good looking girl and good personality. We may have never met if that stuff never happened though. It’s effected our sex life the last few days, and just feel stupid about it. Nothing can really be said about all this to make it better, I know it’s just me. Right now out of nowhere it’s just been hard to imagine the stuff she told me when we first started hanging out. This will pass as I really really love her, and am Not bringing it up to her. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
View related questions:
condom, her past, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses very much, I wasn’t sure if I would get any so that’s great. I truly do understand that if she didn’t do the things she did, we may have never been together so there’s that. I totally understand what all you guys had to say, for real I do. Regarding the cheating part, no she never cheated on me but when we were 19 (2 years into the relationship,) I wasn’t being a very good BF and she ended up liking a co worker of hers who was fucking 29. This was years ago and i’m over it but it did happen.
I found out when I was looking for a number in her phone, and she was asking the dude how he wants to fuck her and blah blah. I literally almost threw up,
Part of the problem is I randomly see these people as there are quite a few and we moved back to our hometown for a little bit. We are about to leave the area to start fresh, i’m likely going to start IT school (while I work,) and provide for us.
While I have the chance I’d like to say one thing that truly bothers me, even if no one else agrees is how she could have a big bruise when I’ve never done that to her and we’ve had sex so many times. It grosses me out. There’s other stuff, but I just wanted to vent to SOMEONE. I could’ve been having sex with girls as I was the top guy in sports, the “ cool guy” LOL!… but didn’t MAINLY bc I viewed sex as something special. Not everyone feels that way and that’s ok.
Everything is fine with us, and just getting better as we are more financially stable and such. The thoughts just hit me out of nowhere recently, and it hurt but I appreciate you guys taking the time to read all my bullshit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2022): As you might have already gathered, writing to DC is very therapeutic. Getting things off your chest is a very good start. Get it all out, and then stop dwelling on it. You're a man now, not a boy. Had she not told you anything, you'd still be with the same lady you've been with since you were 17. You've been together for 13 years; so you know her personality apart from her sexuality. We all have secrets, and have done stuff we aren't ready to share with the world. If you prefer to keep all your dirt to yourself; "ain't nobody's business if you do!" As an old song goes!
You can tell us anything here at DC, and we won't spill the beans or spread gossip! Didn't say you won't be judged! It's an open forum, and freedom of speech is encouraged; but verbal-abuse is not tolerated! Being anonymous, you maintain your privacy. Feel free to bare your soul, we're here for you!
There is a double-standard drummed into our heads as men about women being pure and untouched; but at the same time, we can mess around with Lottie, Dotty, and anybody in a skirt. Then we turnaround and raise a purity standard; when we decide we are going to choose somebody who "has to be untouched." Yet you might be a guy who has chased and lifted a bunch of skirts. If you chose to be a virgin, or was scared of girls; that was a choice, or the cards you were dealt. Not everyone makes the same choices as you did; and not everyone travels the same path.
Some hypocritical man-hos have slept with a lot of people...in most cases having unprotected-sex. Many never have been tested for HIV! Like there's no such thing as dormant venereal diseases that may be asymptomatic for years! Everybody had health class and sex-education; so you've heard about (if not had) venereal diseases of all kinds. That's why couples heterosexual or gay, should get tested together before committing to each-other. Condoms should be used in all cases; unless you're married.
It's a shock to learn things about someone we've setup on a pedestal; and sometimes we might allow prejudice and self-righteousness make us into terrible hypocrites. Blame society, blame our upbringing, whomever you wish; but you're a man not a boy, so reality isn't always easy to swallow. People can't undo the past, and being a virgin doesn't necessarily make a female a good-girl. She could be a manipulative conniving witch; and never so much as seen a penis. Even God forgives a sinner, even a murderer. Who's on His level of purity and perfection? Nobody I know, or ever will!!! There are girls with an intact hymen, who've done everything but vaginal-intercourse; so she can lie, and say she has never been touched. Except whomever touched her, who'd know any different?
I think reading your post, you'll eventually let this slide. You really don't have a choice. Your option is to breakup with her; before you find yourself behaving like an adolescent jackass. I don't exactly know why'd she'd spring all that on you like that? Why now? I guess that's left for you two to discuss at some point. It doesn't really seem like a nice thing to do. Not sure of her motive, so I can only speculate.
You're only human. You love her, and you'd rather she wasn't so experienced at such a young age; but my friend, it is what it is! Otherwise, you've said you've got a good-thing! She has devoted a huge chunk of her life to you; and it's been going well so far. Now you've got a bit of a shock; and a rude-awakening to contend with.
I'm not trying to sell YOU on YOUR own girlfriend. You've got a history with her; and you have to look back on that. What happened before that, maybe she shouldn't have overshared. She may have mistaken you for being more liberal or progressive in your thinking towards women. Her bad! Unless it's okay for other women, but just not her?
My guess is, you'll get over it. I always read between the lines when OP's talk (complain) about their partners or spouses. Even if they are in pain, frustrated, or feeling total disdain for their mate; if there are words of affection, and positive-references mentioned about their significant other, you can sense the love that is there. If there's nothing but a lot of complaining and criticism; and never one positive comment, or term of endearment. I just assume there's no love there. Maybe all the love was lost. Not in your case.
I guess you've got to contend with some retro-jealousy, and a little shock. She's not an angel, and virgins can still be she-devils and demons. Virginity doesn't make her any better than a woman who has had a few extra sex-partners. God Himself judges us by what's in our hearts. He looks for kindness, patience, compassion, generosity, and selflessness above our weaknesses. Which He'll allow us to repent of, but doesn't expect us never to slip and continue to repeatedly make mistakes. We're human, and we all fall short of the glory of God. Of which there is a standard never to be matched!
She didn't plan on being judged by you in a bad-way; and figured you were mature enough to handle a little truth. She didn't want to be placed up on a pedestal, to be worshiped like a jade goddess. Maybe she wants you to know who she used to be, and what she has changed about herself for you? You truly know who she is now. Had you told us she has cheated on you; maybe I would be writing something different. Just because you were a virgin, and a late-bloomer; doesn't place you in the position of God to judge her. You wouldn't want other guys to judge you for be a male-virgin in your late teens would you? Assuming you were gay, just because you were afraid of girls; and had never touched one, until you met her! She took your virginity, so the roles are reversed. Makes you no less of a man, and her no less of a good-woman. Except she overshared too much information, and now she's gonna pay dearly for that!
I hope you'll get through this. You seem like a nice-guy. If not, let her go; before you make her life miserable. All because of your own feelings of insecurity, or inadequacy; and/or if jealousy is a character-flaw you can't get a handle on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 January 2022):
 It's not her fault that you didn't bother "sowing your wild oats", so to speak. She was young and curious and, by the sound of it, a little "wild". If you two got together when you were both 17, she was VERY young when she was having one night stands, etc, too young to really know what she was doing (in my opinion). She was effectively like a child in a sweet shop, just grabbing everything she could. We all do silly things when we are young and naive. She would not be the person she is today if she hadn't gone through what she did. What you need to keep in mind is that, yes, she may have "experimented" with these other guys, but she chose YOU, not one of them, to be with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2022):
 Talk to a counselor. Get your head around to accepting that SHe is who is and has the past that she does. She can't change the past, neither can you.
There is some retroactive jealousy going on with you. And I think the only way you will be able to "handle" that properly is through counseling.
Secondly, I would rather date someone with an iffy sexual history than someone who did and sold drugs. Hands down. NOT that it excuses her from HER choices.
Have you both been STI/STD tested? If she has had unprotected sex with 20 partners it's likely she got at least on STI. Now of course it's 13 years later so perhaps a moot point.
Lots of young women feel the need to have MANY sexual partners. They are told it makes them "free" and "empowered" Others do it to feel LOVED. They equate sex with love.
She can't undo the past. You can't undo the past. She made the choice to have sex with X amount of partners and YOU made the choice to have sex with her AND date her.
Her having had many partners doesn't make her LESS.
You not having had many partners doesn't make YOU less.
Find a counselor, work on yourself. And keep working on your future and yourself.
Focus your relationship on ALL the good you two bring to each other, rahther than the past.
...............................
|
