A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to this guy for 12 years and we have 2 kids. He's been a reasonable dad but a selfish husband with strangers noticing and wondering how I put up with him with me having most of the load to manage my full time career and work at home while he pitches in mainly with entertaining the kids. He has had a few affairs since we were married, doesn't admit to them even if I have seen proof like an email saying ' I love to make love to you'...I have been heart broken several times but put my feeling aside and continued. He then even asked if I'd be okay with a threesome and made general cOmments like I have matured while he is still youthful and boyish..I was very upset and bottled up for 12 years butane when I told him I was upset he refused to discuss things saying I was just grumpy and that he had only one life and does not want to have to waste it with a grump like me..I now told told him I can't live with him and want to part ways when he had seen that i have also told my parents and they noticed since a long time that they hadn't seen me happy in years and thry will support in whatever I decide to do, he has changed and suddenly becOme nice and says if I stay I can have my way and he really loves me. Should I even believe a word of this - I am known to be gullible and he's hurt me so often that my hearts not in it anymore and I just want out...
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 I'm glad you have found your inner strength and your path.
You ask why the guilt trip? I ask why not? I'm guessing he's been a good manipulator for a long time and now he sees he's lost his grip, so he tries the one most mom's can't/won't resist... He says it's about the kids & their future....
I wish you good luck and I hope a visit with family can help you become stronger.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your responses and they've been very helpful. I have decided no more chances coz what I am seeing now is not unconditional love. This is him when he knows he's lost me but what he was when he had me is what mattered and he had me. He has been arrogant and inconsiderate and even after all this stress I told him I was taking the kids and going to my home town to be with my parents for a couple of weeks and he says tickets will be very expensive; whatever we save can be used for the kids education. I mean really I earn more than him and he knows another 1.5 k won't make or Break our lives and I am more than capable of supporting them on my own. Why this guilt trip? Any ways i have lost the love and respect for him and if I stay I will also lose respect for myself so I have to go. I have asked for him to not tell the kids and move out in a subtle way like a job in another city and until then we live like equals and sex is off. He has begged and begged but no sex. It takes some strength but somehow it's coming from within me now ..
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (8 May 2012):
 "He has had a few affairs since we were married, doesn't admit to them"Refusal to be accountable for his bad actions? Check. He sees that you're staying with him regardless of cheating, or his lack of accepting responsibility for bad behavior, so he knows he can continue."...when I told him I was upset he refused to discuss things saying I was just grumpy and that he had only one life"Cannot listen to criticism and make appropriate changes to improve the relationship? Check. Likes to turn everything around and make it out to be your fault? Check. Once again, you're dealing with someone who does not care about how you feel, about his actions and how they are negatively impacting you and your marriage. He sees that he can blame you, ignore the problem and you will still take it all and stay with him."I now told told him I can't live with him and want to part ways when he had seen that i have.."He is for the first time taking you seriously because you're fed up. How you are REACTING for the first time in 12 years is different. In the past you kept on taking it and putting up with him to no avail. You are finally putting your foot down. He now sees that you may actually have the self-respect to really leave him and he will try to convince you to stay. But truthfully after 12 years of treating you so terribly, do you really want to give him a millionth chance? If your history proves anything is that giving this man a chance does not work. I don't think it's possible to respect another person the way you're supposed to when they have allowed you to walk all over them. Would you respect him if he allowed you to have multiple affairs without any real consequences? Would you respect him if you could disrespect on him and make him out to be the bad guy and he just took it? When you disrespect someone so many times and they keep on taking it, there is no way in hell that they will ever look at you the same way again, much less respect you as if that never happened. They may lie to you and say that they can, but it's all either wishful thinking or lies. Once someone kicks you in your face too many times, they will never have the proper respect for you. Don't be a fool. Dump this loser before you waste even more time on him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): I believe in doing all you can to save it first. If you need to do the 'one last try', give it your all...if it works out that is great, and if it doesn't, it can be like closure that even when your husband is prepared to put in the effort..it still didn't work. You can leave, and know with certainty, not to ever wonder if you made the right choice. I would predict that your husband will put in some effort for a while, then slowly go back to who he really is. He may be having a knee jerk reaction, but you will know within the next few weeks. Till then, maybe you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. YOU have to give it 100% too, so you never look back and wonder if you did all you could to save it first. You carry most of the work load, I understand this and most woman I know feel the same way. I do believe that entertaining the kids is actually a wonderful job to have done. That is a huge contribution in my opinion, not necessarily fair, and he gets all the 'good jobs', but still a contribution. Having said that, have you addressed how you share the work load. Maybe get a house cleaner, or pay someone from your joint money to do some of the jobs only you do?Regarding the cheating. I saw lots of emails in my exes email account that looked suspicious. I can see now that they were spam emails because I get them too now. Are you sure they were emails from someone he knows? Are you sure this person wasn't sending emails hoping 'you' would see them? Your intuition is most probably right, but I don't know what you feel and think, so I am suggesting to just check in to see if it is your intuition or fear suggesting your husband has been unfaithful. It sounds like he has said some very hurtful things to you and been very uncaring. Maybe he is seeing the error of his ways. We can all be selfish and unkind at times.You have kids together, it is important, now that HE is prepared to put in the effort, that you do give it your effort too, just to make sure you are making the right decision. Marriages definately have their problems, but breaking up marriages is one of the most painful of life's experiences. Unless you have been through it before, you won't really understand how painful. Your last comment was "My hearts not in in anymore and I just want out..." It may be that he is too little too late, and you will leave now. But if you stay, it has to be with 100% commitment to loving, respecting, forgiving your husband... THIS may just be the opportunity to save your marriage. I would make sure you tell him in no uncertain terms, that this will be your last time to try, and if he gives up within 'certain amount of time'(eg 6 months) , you will be leaving. Let us know what you decide. All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): Wow. I am in the complete mirror of your situation. Should we accept an apology? I thought about that, but the trust has already been destroyed. I felt that even if they said they'd change and I stayed, then I'd always be watching and waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I don't want to live like that, and it sounds like you don't either. Use the support of your family, take your kids and start to rebuild who you are.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (7 May 2012):
 It sounds like this "guy" (as you quote unlovingly) has the life... with entertaining the kids and so fourth. It doesn't sound like there is love in your relationship. He doesn't want to give up the convience of marriage with you or not being able to see the kids on a daily basis when he gets partial custody of them due to a divorce. Of course he will say anything to keep things in place.
You need to end your marriage. He cheats on you! Do you have any pride? You have children and need to be a good role model for them. I think it's time that you do the right thing for yourself and your kids.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2012):
I guess the ball is in your court. You stuck it out for 12 year, if you think he can honestly "change", that he really want to change then maybe there is a chance, personally though I don't think he will or that all the crap he did in the past can just be "forgotten and forgiven".
I think you need to figure out WHAT you want and go for it, with OR without him. YOU are in charge of YOUR happiness.
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