A
female
age
36-40,
*shkki
writes:This is such a ridiculous, trivial situation, but nonetheless it's giving me a headache and I don't know what to do. So, for backstory: I met a guy when I was 17 and fell completely in love with him, we dated for a few months but ultimately, he was going to uni and didn't want what I did - at the time I was heartbroken, as he treated me pretty badly, but looking back, it was minor. I have had mostly serious and long term relationships since then, but we have stayed in touch on and off, mostly coming from his side - we slept together again when we were 23, a one night thing and at the time I think he might have wanted more than I did, although I don't really know if he did, but I made it sort of clear that it wasn't on the table at the time.Again, we stayed in touch throughout the years, just on and off but I always got the feeling he was trying his luck with each conversation to see if I would meet up with him again. However, in my last serious relationship, he would say things to me like 'I'm genuinely happy you're happy, but gutted it isn't with me' and how much he regretted the way he treated me (it really wasn't that bad, he just didn't want what I did) and regretted letting me go. In the end though, our conversations became inappropriate and I asked him to back off, I was happy, and we missed our boat. He very politely obliged and apologised, and respected the request. This happened 8 months ago whilst I was in a relationship.Fast forward. I am 30 now. Last weekend, I got TOTALLY paralytic drunk, for the first time in YEARS. To cut a long story short, I contacted him and he was VERY keen on meeting up, he left his friends and waited for me for an hour in the pouring rain. I eventually turned up, stomped around his flat, demanded more drinks, tried to be sexy and ultimately failed. We did sleep together that evening, but I don't really remember it.In the morning, he started off affectionate, we slept together again, but then (and I believe I was probably still drunk, the details are hazy) I started talking about how we couldn't be friends, had never been true friends, whatever it was between us was just sex, how my ex wasn't a bad guy and he (my ex) didn't deserve to have been made to feel jealous by him (the guy I'd just slept with). He agreed with me at all points, but I think he was trying to save face. I don't know why I did this, I think a mixture of feeling nervous, awkward and embarrassed and still being intoxicated.Queue him turning pretty cold and booking me a cab home. He said it was because he had family coming over within the hour, but the swiftness in which his attitude changed tells me otherwise. For the rest of the day, I sent him a few messages, telling him how surreal it was that I stayed at his and that I wished I could see him more often. And although he did reply, I feel like the replies lacked any sort of interest. I dropped it, but the day after, my hangover fog had completely lifted and so I sent him a proper message apologising for my behaviour. I told him how embarrassed I was and that I don't make any sort of habit out of it, he was the only person I'd ever had a one night stand with. I was quite heartfelt, but his reply was that I shouldn't worry, and it was more funny than anything. Looking back on the message, I suppose it could have been misconstrued that I was saying I regretted what happened.Since then, I haven't heard a word from him. I feel ridiculous for saying this, but I feel totally gutted. I like this guy, but I have no idea if we would work as a couple and thats not the issue. Now I feel like a teenager with a crush and I have no idea if I've messed things up. I have gotten the impression that over the years he's never been in a serious or at least long term relationship, although we've never discussed it. Our conversations have always erred on the side of flirtatious or nostalgic or both, but kept within the bubble of me and him. Now, I don't really know where I stand, and I do NOT know what to do about it. All I know is I can't stop thinking about him. I suppose, now I have finally articulated what's been in my head the last few days, I think there are a few scenarios that could have happened here:He wanted to meet up, whether just for sex or not, but my drunken sloppy behaviour has put him off.He wanted more than sex, but my attitude and comments comments in the morning mixed with my general aloofness over the years has hurt his pride and he doesn't know where he stands.He literally has only ever wanted to sleep with me, and all the other stuff about wanting me has just been smoke and mirrors to get me into bed (if so, he's played an INCREDIBLY long game, this has been going on for near on 12 years).There are probably more scenarios but I can't think of them, and I am just need some outside perspective incase I have missed something, incase I have totally misread the signs or incase I am totally overthinking this whole thing and should let it all go.I just don't know.
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crush, drunk, flirt, heartbroken, jealous, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tshkki +, writes (4 August 2017):
Tshkki is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys - I actually feel like writing this all out and reading your replies has given me some clarity. And I mostly agree. I do feel like he has stayed in my life for a reason, but probably what happened last week was it, and that will be where it ends.I am not stupid, I don't expect him to want me as a girlfriend, and thats not even necessarily what I want either. I just felt like I was going crazy with a stupid crush.For the record - he didn't do anything terrible to me when we were 17 - he just didn't want to be with me at the time, and I took it badly. The rest of our 'friendship' has essentially been me rejecting him.And also, for what it's worth, I NEVER drink that much, ever. I am pretty sure if I hadn't, I would not have messaged him at all, which is what makes me cringe. My worry was more that I'd put him off by telling him we were not going to be a thing, or by being a horrible drunken mess. But either way, I don't suspect I will hear from him for a long time, and I am going to move on.Anyway - thanks so much for everyones time. x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2017): Long story short.....The subject of sex.....depend upon how you interpret sex?
Sex is a physical and emotional system, yet not follow its own logic the way it work in animal's realm.
Why? being human we have our interpretation. Sex is love and love is sex yet, we do not know logic of sex and our ignorance create story, full of variety.
As a Indian we have generally and not particularly, we have long and stable relations, with satisfactory sex life.....because if not all but most Indian know true meaning of sex that sex is not always intercourse, a simple vaginal penetration. but something more then vaginal or physical....
Sex has spiritual meaning, and we must be intellectual in making choice of our life partners, and most difficult is how to make choice ? still most difficult to know true meaning of sex.
Science is the only answer, but we must know science.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): There's too much soap opera dramatics going on here. The whole story is more like what you view in a teenage after-school special.
The feelings are not really legit from either side. The relationship premises too much on "what you could have had" when you were just kids. Not what you guys have grown-up to be.
I think you both find each other when relationships are rocky or just-ended; and you have "medicinal-sex" to carry you over until you find somebody more serious. He only seems to want you most when you're with someone else.
I think you both need to just get-over each other, separate, cut ties; and move on into the present. The past is gone and you're both adults now. Reliving high school is getting you nowhere.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (3 August 2017):
For your story, it seems like the following is happening:
- He is just using you for sex.
- He is not interested in you as a life partner.
- He is a bad life partner. If he treated you badly at 17, he will treat you badly now that you are grownups.
My advice would be to stay away from alcohol, and stay away from him. Really, that guy is not interested in you, if he was, he would have called you. A guy that's interested in a girl does the effort of calling you more often, regardless of how busy he is. Yes, he may be nostalgic and all that, but that's not enough for him to feel the need to have a serious relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 Back off - TOTALLY.
If he can't get over you being drunk and saying shit you don't really mean, then he isn't for you.
YOU made the choice (drunk or not) to try and set some odd boundaries and if THAT is a turn off for him there isn't much you can do.
The thing is IF he has really been waiting in the wing for you for 12 years... He isn't going away over ONE drunken night and a stupid conversation.
BUT you NEED to stop trying to apologize and placate him. LEAVE him be to sort out if he WANTS to pursue you or not.
If YOU want to date him then tell him next time he texts you for a booty call, that if he was your BF you would be there with bells on but that casual sex is not what you are looking for. It's pretty straight forward what THAT is saying without saying I WANT TO DATE YOU NOW!!!
He might NOT contact you again, and that you will have to accept. Maybe he is still remembering the "girl" of 17 he used to date and have realized that the WOMAN you are now is now what he is looking for. IT happens.
Also, you are 30. Getting so drunk off your ass that you can't remember what you do and say... you are too old for that crap, OP.
LEARN from all this.
1. DRINK less. A LOT LESS.
2. SAY what you mean and mean what you say. Drunk or not you have some control over your words and thoughts.
3. LEAVE him be for now. If he is interested still HE will get in touch. If not, move on.
4. There are MORE "fish in the sea". That means you don't have to go fish in an old pond with an ex-bf. Going back to an ex-bf is rarely ideal. Because you have both (hopefully) grown and matured in those 12 years and ARE different people now.
And lastly, OP - I'm pretty sure he hasn't been single in these last 12 years. So he isn't as hung up on you as you might like to believe. He might be HUNG up on the idea of making past wrongs right more than YOU (as a person).
So, time to stop beating yourself up. Think about it, move on. AND NO calling or texting him. Things are SO easy to misunderstand in texts and it's NOT helping you. Pull back. If he wants YOU - he will give chase.
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