A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:this week marks the anniversary of my boyfriend's little brother's death. which happen a few years ago. We've talked about it very few times during the last year we've been together. he doesn't mention his brother much either. he didn't tell me the date of the death but i knew it happened this week a few years ago because his mother told me once. I need some advice about how i should handle this upcoming day, knowing he probably won't want to talk about it.he also isn't aware that his mother and i had a conversation about his brother's death too so he won't suspect that i know the date. i wasn't going behind his back by any means. his mother and i are really close and she brought it up when she and i were having a girl's day.should i just go about the day like usual or maybe randomly cook dinner for him? any thoughts? he means so much to me and i know how hurt he is and i just want to make him feel a little more special than usual.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
Very thoughtful of you to consider this so much. My suggestion is just be there for him as much as you can. Again, kudos to you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 October 2012):
 As folks who are living and surviving... we take joy in our memories and we remember them fondly. Since you did not know his brother there is not much you can remember...
the fact that he's with you probably is a comfort and enough to bring a smile to him today.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): My boyfriends close friend died just after xmas he was 19, killed by a roadside bomb in afganistan. But my bf doesnt let it affect his xmas, he just goes about. Its only because hes had time to heal. But he does make a point when we go visit family to visit his grave. Not on the day he passed just whenever we are in that area. We get flowers, and bring the family never talk about his passing but rather the good times. We do the same thing with our passed relatives. Time dulls pains edge, it never completly goes away. But you dont want to remind him, next wk after its passed have a date night to enjoy yourselves, but during this time he needs time to himself, maybe grieve. Treat it like another day, dont treat him special and dont bring up his passing. Thats something for he and his family to go through and deal with its different when family brings it up. Good luck dear and my sympathies to your bf and his family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope I didn't offend anyone with using "anniversary." I have never had someone close to me pass on and I don't want to make a big deal out of it at all. I simply just wanted him to try and have a smile at some point today.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 October 2012):
In Judaism, we commemorate the anniversary of the person's death by lighting a candle that burns for 24 hours... it's not a tradition but rather a religious 'rule' as it were.
My girlfriend's mom was killed in the 9/11 attack... all I did for her was send a text that said "thinking of you on this day if you need anything let me know" other than that, I let it go.
Since your bf does not talk about it, I'd let it go with him, but I would send the mom a message saying "thinking of you today".....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Just thought about it a little. If I was to pay special attention to the times people have died I'd not be able to get through the year...
Had a Christmas holiday once were I attended 3 funerals. So that would ruin Christmas and New Years eve. Two of my friends died in autumn, so that ruins autumn for me. Another family member died in spring, so now there's only summer left to be happy? Not to mention the days they died, but you also have the days of the funeral etc. You can really drag this on and on if you want to, wrapping yourself up in all sorts of painful memories.
Doesn't work like that. When time moves on your pain settles and is less acute. The worst thing is to constantly have a reminder of things like dates. Because that sort of locks you in a time trap, where you are reminded every year about how you felt on that day. Such remining doesn't give you room to heal, it just traps the pain.
Someone I know gives out candles every year on the day her husband died. With a little ribbon with his name on it. Maybe it helps her, but everyone else who knew him could feel brought down by it. My mother, who knew him, says she hates these yearly candles. People want to heal, not be reminded of pain.
Hope that helps explain.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 October 2012):
Don't make a big deal out of it. It's not likea day you want to celebrate! Go about it as any other day. If he wants to do something special then he'll tell you. I've had several family members and friends die. I don't go mark the dates in my calendar, I don't pay particular thought to it the particular day. It is not an anniversary.He's dead, and he's not more dead on the day he died several years ago than he is on all other days. Maybe he wants to talk to you about his brother, when he feels the time is right for it. But a particular date doesn't mean you give it any particular amount of thought. Rather, when something happens that reminds him of his brother, those are the times when he'll want to talk. Not on the "anniversary" of his brothers death... It's just another day. Don't treat it like anything else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): The anniversary of my boyfriends fathers death is coming up too. I expect the family will ask me to visit his grave and I'm happy to do that, but I won't go out of my way to do anything special (gifts etc) because I don't think making a big deal out of it would be the best thing to do for my boyfriend. He'll probably just want the day to be over as soon as possible. He'll be feeling fragile too, so something like cooking dinner would be nice, just little subtle things like that to show that you're considerate. Really it depends on your boyfriend ~ you know best if he'll want to not talk, or if he'd appreciate special attention. :) Just make sure he knows you're there for him, hold his hand, give him extra cuddles, and talk if he wants to. If he doesn't want to, just leave him be.
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