A
female
age
30-35,
*ulu31
writes:Hi Cupid’s,Wanting some relationship advice about me and my partner. We have a loving relationship and respectful of each other. We have been together 3 years now and it’s going good. My friends always ask me if he is ‘the one’ but I’m unsure. I don’t know if I should feel like he is, but I don’t think I’m settling; it’s more that I’m in a place in my life where I don’t want my boyfriend to be my first priority, I care about work and friends and building a life. I am 27 and he’s 31 and he goes out a lot with his friends to big night clubs, and I’m the completely opposite. I read books, to out for intimate dinners with friends or fitness classes etc. I wake up early, he is a night owl. I am currently in therapy because I am finding after a close relatives death my already anxiety and worry has been really heightened, and I’ve been talking with my therapist and she’s helping me feel less worried all the time, but I’m at the start of that journey.I’ve always felt very worried in relationships, waiting for something bad to happen. My ex ended up being with the ‘friend I shouldn’t worry about’ so I always feel have an alertness in the back of my mind. My partner knows this, but expects me to not worry at all when he goes out clubbing. I worry he might get with other girls, even though he has never given me a reason not to trust him. It isn’t as easy as just trusting him. I love him and he makes me want to be a better person..I’ve been pretty good at not worrying lately, but the other week I heard he was going to a club at the weekend and he didn’t tell me until the very last minute, he said he’d be home but didn’t come back at all then I didn’t hear from him all day. I finally messaged him in the evening and he was so blunt with me and said ‘I’m at my friends we’re talking’ He can do whatever he wants, but I am trying my absolute best to never come across as controlling or make him feel bad that I worry, but now I’m starting to think that relationships take two and he is doing absolutely nothing to help me. He gives me no reassurance at all. Anyone else would worry their partner hadnt come back and I left it long enough and was chill when I messaged and instead got a blunt message.What should I do? I feel done with this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2021): I think his behaviour is unacceptable and I think he's also challenging/testing you.
Imagine you said to your boyfriend that you were going out, but you would be back later. Then when you were out, your plans changed and you ended up realising that going home wasn't going to happen. Would you ever treat someone so badly that you just don't bother to let them know? And THEN, when your boyfriend contacts you the next day to put his mind at rest, you were horrible to him on the phone? Would you expect him to stay? What would you think of him if he stayed with you?
I think he's either pushing you away and wanting you to end it, or training you to allow any kind of behaviour from him and not ask him any questions.
Is this what you want from a relationship? I feel angry for you. You said that you feel done with this. I don't blame you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2021): First and foremost, our survival is our greatest priority. You have to maintain good-health, and be sure to be protective of your mental-health and wellbeing.
You can see all the therapists in the world; but they can't make you able to withstand or force you to be compatible with someone who isn't right for you. That's a common sense matter. The most you will get out of forcing a square peg into a circular slot is frustration. Unmatched-personalities conflict. You have no right to change anybody but yourself.
We all worry to some degree; because it's human. Some occasions more than others. Everyone tries to let themselves maintain some amount of alertness; and we try to stay somewhat vigil, so we're not caught completely off-guard or unprepared. When interacting with others, we have to control that part of our personality; so it won't become the most prominent attribute in our character. Worrying keeps us on our toes; but it shouldn't control how we behave and think 24/7! We can't always worry about what might happen, because it may never happen! Then all that fear and energy was wasted on nothing!
We feel most at-ease when we think we have some measure of control over things; and when a situation is "predictable." We like any situation that we can anticipate/expect a reasonably good or acceptable outcome. Suddenly, things take an unexpected turn. Then we get hit with the "worries!" We start considering all the worst case scenarios; thinking something might go wrong and ruin everything. Some people never get a handle on always expecting the worst to happen. Life is unpredictable, and it is impossible to anticipate what someone is going to say, do, or think. We don't even know how we'll react ourselves, under certain circumstances! The reality is, we have to interact with far too many people affecting our lives; to project all these anxious feelings or intense-emotions upon. Lovers, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, your kids, and random-strangers we encounter anywhere and everywhere.
You've got to work really hard to put your mind at-ease; so you can reboot, and switch gears. In order to redirect your concerns and energies to enjoying life; and being a productive and reasonably happy-person. Your therapist can make excellent suggestions; but you're the one who has to execute those actions and behaviors necessary to "get-a-grip" on things. Quality of life is essential to all human beings.
It's best to recognize our triggers, and eliminate those things that are unnecessary; and add no particular value or benefit to our lives. Whatever causes more harm than good. That includes bad-habits, poor diet, over-consumption of alcohol, drug-abuse, and certain people.
There seems to be detectable incompatibility in your relationship. He's more outgoing, a partying kind of guy; while you're a sedate homebody. Your idea of pleasure and contentment almost collides with his rambunctious party-boy style. Clubbing (aka partying) is more sociable. When you like to party, or club, you'll encounter strangers. Alcohol is a major component, and you can't be a wallflower. You have to be outgoing, like to dance, enjoy the throbbing pulse of the music; and you have to like being out late at night. That is an entirely different lifestyle from curling-up with a book, by scented-candle, listening to soft-music. It would likely bore someone who likes pounding beats, and a light-show; as opposed to sitting in a dimly-lit restaurant, with soothing piano-music playing in the background. You don't mention if you ever want to accompany him and his friends on these club outings. If you both were more into the same kinds of entertainment, it might alleviate some of your anxiety about what he's up to. They say "opposites attract." They don't say they're necessarily compatible.
I don't see where your worries aren't reasonable; but if you have trouble with anxiety, you surely picked a trigger. Big-time! He's out late nights; while you're at home waiting. You can't relax, for wondering if he's flirting with some tipsy-female in a tight short-skirt; or if his friends aren't urging him on, to do what he doesn't usually do. News Flash! I think any guy or lady who's "sitting at home," while their boo is out carousing with their friends; will have a certain amount of angst and worry that they might meet somebody. I would, you do, and a lot of people reading our posts would! That's normal. What's unnecessary is putting yourself through it again and again and again; if it drives you insane.
You know partying at clubs with his buddies is how he likes to blow-off steam. You can't allow yourself to sit home going over all kinds of scenarios and visualizations in your mind. You'll have to learn to trust him; or you'll have to be honest, and let him know that you need more stability in your relationship. If he can't deliver, won't compromise, or he's flat-out unwilling to. Maybe he's gotta-go?
In all fairness, if his outings are rare, and are just scattered here and there; and it's not like every single week. Then he's not putting you through too much. If this guy is starting to stay-out late hours without coming home; then he's pushing his luck! If he snaps at you for being concerned or upset; then he isn't going out of his way to earn and maintain your trust. How can you trust him, if he starts hanging-out at all hours, and becomes upset if you address him about it? You have options. Talk to him about how it bothers you, and you think he should remember he's no-longer single. You can just decide enough is enough, end-it, and move on. Otherwise, you can shut-up and put-up; and keep downing pills for your anxiety. All for the purpose of keeping him. While he's the only one enjoying life. Yours is spending better time with your therapist; than with your own boyfriend!!!
If you've chosen a confirmed-party-boy for a boyfriend, and you suffer with an anxiety-disorder. Consider if you've made a good-choice? You should also reconsider your criteria for what you consider a good-match. You're not a party-girl, you don't hangout late, and you don't come home at all hours of the night. How do you think you'll deal with your anxiety, when you've latched-on to a someone almost completely opposite of whom you are?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (5 October 2021):
 Never make someone a priority in your life, when you are an option in theirs.
You are not compatible with your BF. Keeping him in your life is semi comfortable for you, but in the end it is just keeping you from finding someone who is compatible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2021):
 OP,
I'm a "worrier" too. Have been for most of my life really. I have been working hard on curbing the "need" to worry. For me it was always a part of my OCD, I felt I HAD to worry because if I didn't THEN bad things would happen. (because it had).
The thing is, I know logically that worrying about someone or thing WON'T change the outcome. I can't WORRY away stuff. I can't PREVENT stuff from happening by worrying. So I still worry but I have come to terms with the fact that it is more of a "ritual" for me than anything. For the most part.
One thing you might want to look into is Stoicism.
Simply put, Stoicism was designed to help people live their best possible lives.
One of the key points is figuring out WHAT you want out of life. How to "manage" a happy life. Another key point is to ACCEPT that there are MANY things in life you can not control. Ever.
You can't control the weather. So make the best out of any and all weather.
You can't control your BF. How he thinks, feels, the things he says and does. You just can't. If you worry about him cheating (because an ex did) you are more likely to manifest cheating. He will presume that you just don't trust him. Even if you SAY you trust him.
Most elements of a person's day-to-day life are kind of out of our control. We just don't notice. It can be the driver of the car behind you being drunk, it can be a fire at your workplace, etc, etc, I hope you understand what I am getting at.
There are things you CAN control. Those are YOUR actions, YOUR words. (thoughts and feelings are a little on the so-so when it comes to controlling, but that doesn't mean you can't TRY and BE in control - instead of letting them control you).
What you FOCUS on is what you CAN control and what YOU want to achieve for yourself.
He doesn't seem to take being in a relationship all that seriously. I mean he is 31 and still going clubbing? Like some barely 20-something? I'm not saying that once you hit 30, you are now having to behave "old" or never have fun, but what is the point of the "partying"? Other than pretending he is still in his 20's that he's "got it".
He expects YOU to not worry. So what? That is NOT who you are! Just like you can't control him, he can't control you either - even though he kind of does. You are trying SO hard to NOT be controlling that you actually come off as "I don't care what you do" in order to be the BEST GF in the World. The one that doesn't speak up when she felt her partner isn't making an effort for HER. and that is affecting YOU. Not him. He is happy to have a GF that "lets him do whatever" and still sticks around.
Your partner isn't investing in the relationship. He feels that because HE doesn't DO anything bad (as far as you know) he shouldn't have to reassure you, he isn't. Which to be logical makes sense. What doesn't make sense is going out and then ignoring you (because that is what he did the day after).
If you two live together, it is ONLY reasonable to let your partner know where you are at. Perhaps not 24/7 and with an hourly update. But letting you know he isn't going to come home to sleep cause he is hanging out with friends at their place, it's just common courtesy IMHO.
While it IS unfair of you "judging" him for what your ex did. We learn from what we experience. You learned that someone can TELL you something but it doesn't mean what they say is true. So trusting is hard.
What I think you need to ask yourself, is - CAN I see myself with this guy in 2 years, 5 years considering that he will probably still ACT as he does now, can you imagine having a child and he just goes out and doesn't show up for a day because he is hanging out with friends? You are just left to parent and well, worry if he is OK.
I think talking to your BF and setting some boundaries would be a good start (if you WANT to stay with him).
Such as, HE (and you) will text if either of you doesn't plan to come home as "promised" or if plans change.
I think it's fair and BARE minimum.
YOU need to work on the NEED for reassurance. He isn't going to change and all of a sudden start to make SURE you feel reassured. It's just not going to happen. So this is about you finding SELF-RELIANCE. If you trust him, and you TRUST yourself the constant reassurance is not needed.
My question to you is this, you SAY your relationship is great. But it seems like you two are not equally committed. While NEITHER of you revolve your lives around the other (and that I think is good) - he still lives the life of a 20-something SINGLe guy. While he might not have sexual encounters with others (besides you) he is still doing the things a single 20-something guy would do, hanging with "mates" and partying.
You on the other hand are working on yourself. Being the BEST you, you can be. Which is awesome. I'd say add to working on being independent too.
How good of a match are you and your BF?
You have now had 3 years with him so you should have an idea of whether he is someone you can see yourself with long-term AS HE IS NOW. Or.. not.
I would suggest you try another thing, STOP being the one checking up on him (whether it's by text or call) SEE if he picks up the slack. If he goes out and doesn't come home for a day or two. DO NOT check up on him. Even if you want to so badly. Keep busy with YOUR life. SEE if he picks up the slack. And if possible, tell him "lat minute" you are going to see a friend. Then GO spend a weekend with friends or family and don't tell him. (again, see if he notices and pick up the slack). I know it can sound like you are "playing games" but sometimes you have to SHOW a person HOW it feels to be in your shoes. It might help you figure out where you stand.
Lastly, have you ever told him HOW it makes you feel? That he is not really participating or fulfilling your needs?
Sometimes a talk is warranted. A GOOD relationship doesn't RUN by itself. You both need to invest and work for it.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (5 October 2021):
 You are absolutely right, its takes two to make a relationship work, and he is doing absolutely nothing to contribute to this relationship.
I'm not going to say it is wrong to go clubbing, although personally my clubbing days were within the age of somewhere between 18-25, and i never used to go if i was in a committed relationship. I think there is a huge difference between just meeting up with some pals for a few pints down the pub, to going clubbing and partying the night away where from experience its mostly single people on the pull.
I think you both want different things out of life, which kind of steers me down the path of you the pair of you are just not compatible.
He went out all night to a club, which you found out about the last minute, he was the unobtainable till the following evening, then he was blunt with you, i'm sorry OP but i think this is unacceptable, and i think that you deserve better, no one should have to go through this, you must have been worried sick.
I know its hard, but i think you are going to have to be strong and walk away from this relationship. By your own admission you say that you are done with this. I don't envisage things changing anytime soon.
Don't go through this alone, talk to family and friends and tell them whats going on.
But i do feel if you walk away from this relationship now you will save yourself from a lot of future heartache.
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