A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. We don't live together but I was planning to move in after his brother moved out (its a small apartment and wasn't enough room for me and my belongings etc).However, his brother has now found his own place at short notice to my partner. His brother was paying him £200 a month rent so now that he's gone, my partner is now short of £200. (I often help out with groceries and food shopping while I'm there as my partner doesn't have a job so I know he struggles and I am happy to help out).Lately I am questioning whether I want to move in. He keeps asking me for money all the time and I'm not on a fantastic wage. I earn enough money to live on but not enough to support him too. He's making me feel like I have to move in with him when his brother leaves otherwise he will be really short of money, but it doesn't help matters when he keeps taking out loans and having to get money off me to pay them off.We went through a lot when we first got together. I told him that I had had an abortion 2 years prior to getting with him. At first he was supportive, but then started blackmailing me for money and if he didn't get it, he'd threaten to tell my parents. Even though I am an adult, I didn't want my parents to know and that was my own personal choice. That was two years ago and he doesn't blackmail me anymore but if we argue, I am always worried that he will call my parents and reveal everything. I have been thinking of leaving him because I know deep down I don't love him, I just don't know how to. It seems the longer I stay, the harder I am finding it to break free. Sometimes he can be lovely, and when he is, I feel so guilty for thinking of leaving him but I feel so depressed being around him. Sometimes he gets angry over little things and until things settle down I am walking on egg shells, trying not to annoy him. Around a year ago I developed alopecia, which my doctor said could be stress related. My partner has been supportive of my condition but I cant help blaming him for it! I know I can't exactly pin point the direct cause but the stress from him seems the only thing that could have triggered it off. I want to leave, but I also don't want him to call my parents. I also don't want to leave him struggling for money. I know couples help each other out in these situations but it isn't my fault that he won't get a job and earn his own money. Please help me xx
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abortion, depressed, money, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 OK first - preemptive strike, honey. Call and talk to your mom and dad (if it's easier talk to your mom) and tell her about the break up that is about to happen tell her that one of the reasons you are breaking up is because he used BLACKMAIL on you. If your mom asks why, BE honest. They won't love you ANY LESS because you had an abortion. TRUST ME.
Secondly, END it with this guy. THE man is USING you. Just so he doesn't HAVE to go get a job. He BLACKMAILED YOU?! YOU don't love him (and again, I don't think it's YOU who don't know how to love, I think that is him, PEOPLE do NOT blackmail people THEIR CLAIM to love!)
BE single, take some yoga classes (again trust me it's as DE-STRESSING like a day on the beach with no one around.) Focus on getting your health back, then take some time to consider WHY you stayed as long as you did with this guy, blackmail or not, YOU need to learn how to be on CONTROL on your life. NEVER let someone USE you and never let someone take advantage of you.
SCREW him and his money problems - sorry if that is harsh, but it's time you stop enabling him and hurting yourself. BY giving him money he doesn't see a point in getting a job, he can just DEMAND money from you. And you on the other hand resent him (and yourself) more and more for who he is and what YOU let him do to you.
You know it's time to end it. Do this for you. Isn't it about time you find some happiness? Even if that means being single a while?
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 My advise would be to tell your parents about the abortion, yes, they will be upset, and to also tell them about the blackmailing.
Then collect any items you have left at his place and get them home. And then tell him its over and he has to start taking care of himself. If he causes any problems go to police and report the blackmailing.
He is horrible and not your problem!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 January 2014):
 i was going to ask you if there was a particular reason your boyfriend is a grown adult, yet doesn't have a job. i was curious if there was extenuating circumstaces, such as illness or taking care of a sick relative. however, you answered that at the end when you said he won't get a job and earn his own money.
in all honesty, i find it really pathetic when grown men and women refuse to get jobs and support themselves. it's different when you're at home with your children and tending to a house. i'm referencing when you are not taking care of any children or anyone else, and yet you're just too damn lazy to get a job. i think it's really sorry.
for me, this would be a complete deal-breaker. you are not his mother. it's not your responsibility to give him money because he won't get off his ass and do what every other adult does and work for his own money.
you're absolutely right - significant others take care of each other. but only when it's needed. if my partner fell short on rent and i knew she did everything she could to earn it, i would absolutely, in a heart beat give it to her. but i also know she would never ask for it. ever. and i also know that she doesn't sit on her ass and not work and fall short all the time.
and wow, really? he blackmailed you when you wouldn't give him money??? threatening to tell your parents about your abortion if you wouldn't give it to him? that's ridiculous.
you say you feel bad leaving him like this. well, if the roles were reversed, i would have no problem at all. you can do so much better. he's clearly lazy and quite pathetic. move on and let him be a big boy and take care of himself.
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