A
female
age
41-50,
*weet Sorrow
writes:I have Muslim bf... almost 3 years we are together, but it can`t be said "together" because we live in different countries, I live in country in the Balkans and he is from Turkey. Our love story began on internet, I even cant describe how it began, just in him I saw something that I thought its lost among men long time ago : honesty, respect for woman, understanding patience. It was almost like destiny.It was enough for me to entangle in something called inter-religious relationship. Normally i didn`t had support of anyone about this, parents, relatives, friends... During this time of 3 years, we meet maybe 10 times; we even went in holiday together in Turkey. In the very beginning he didn’t exposed his religious belief so much, as time was passing by, he started to transform, he started to pray 5 times a day, in beginning we had sex, but after he started to practice religion and almost 1 year we didn’t had sex, even we were on holiday together. I survived everything. Besides all his good attitude and behavior with me, I am still not happy. He doesn’t want me to eat pork or drink when I’m with him or even when I’m not with him. He made me some obligation to feel guilty any time I go out with my friends, because he is working too hard every day just for us, to make money and we to get marry soon. There are some days when we speak only about religion, how Islam is true way etc etc, and I started to understand Islam, because before i met him i was atheist, or agnostic... something undefined, even I am born as orthodox Christian... And I am thankful to him because for the sake of love I was motivated to read more about God and to believe in his existence...What to say... He is always caring, supportive, he buys me presents all time, he even doesn’t spend money for him as he does for me, I am flattered because none of my previous BFs never didn`t prayed so much attention or care to me before. In 15 days, I have to go in Turkey again with my papers ready to get married. What freaked me out was one conversation we had 2 days ago. I just realized even if we marry we will never go to summer holiday together. I can’t wear bikini, I can`t show my body, or even if I go, I have to go on separate beach with only women. All illusion I had about going on family holiday with kids with friends disappeared. I asked him why we went on summer holiday last year, he said it was all mistake, he regret many time because we went.By some accident, I watched some video yesterday about how some educated western people interpretate Islam, and I got impression that its not so peaceful and calming religion as muslims proclaim to be. There is something much more behind that... I even don’t know what else I can expect if I get marry. I need help. I don’t have support from my family to be with him, some of my friends accepted him because of me, but all foresee sad ending. I was so proud of him in beginning and now I am even ashamed to speak about him, that he prays 5 times, that he doesn’t allow me to eat pork or drink, that I cant go out will friends as I used to...that I feel with less value than him..Anyway, even when I think to end up with him, I cant see my future further.. First of all because I love him very much, and second, because it`s very difficult to find normal person nowadays in my surrounding. I am seeing that example every day, my friends bfs are unfaithful, morality is on low level, when I compare him with all the rest, I think what a lucky woman I am, he is handsome, smart, funny, respectful, he is ideal in those points. But I’m thinking, is it worth this to make my self-sacrifice and marry him even I know I won’t have life what I dreamed of? Or should i leave him and stay alone.. till indefinite? If I marry him either I will divorce soon, either I will become like him. If I leave now i will be lost, I don’t have regular job, my country is very poor,to go somewhere i need visa and lots of money, my parents cant boost up my self-confidence and say me it wil be better and life will go on without him.I see him as a savior and as a threat.. he promises me perfect life if I am with him, just to obey him. I think, I don’t have my freedom anyway, here in my native country, so why I shouldn’t trade myself and my interests for better life?I used to be good student, i have university diploma, this general situation is strike to my intellect and ambitions and to the goal that I’ve always wanted me to become some day... I guess I’m on a good way to bury my old me.
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ambition, atheist, christian, different countries, divorce, his ex, money, muslim, on holiday, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I really hope you marry him, seems like a nice guy to me.All the best!
A
female
reader, Sweet Sorrow +, writes (8 July 2010):
Sweet Sorrow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear friends, thank you for your answers. I know that decision wil be upon me only, and I will be the one that will bare consequences of split or marriage no matter of my decision...
I am aware of that, that many things go to his favor, compared with others, I am in that situation that I cant use everything that life offers, because as I`ve mentioned, here in Balkans woman in most cases is neglected, depends of husband and no matter how I try to ascape of it and keep my moral high, simply it is difficult to get emancipated.
I am 30 (almost), I think between making bad choice, or making no choice.
Risk is equal... I feel like some force keep me to him, I dont know how I got stucked into him. I was thinking i can leave easily any time he makes some condition, but as i see its not so easily.
I am in situation as I dont have contra-arguments against him. Everything he does, he does for my good... and I cant say anything against or object.
Often i think he brain-washed me, no matter how i was happy or joyfull before him i became sterile person.
I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I cant be tricked so easily, but so is he. Even more, he is younger than me, he can enjyou his life like rest of young people do, but he choosed to live straight by his faith.
He is in same situation...why he will destroy his life and peace with me? But i know he cares about me and just he say me to trust him.
I say him he doesnt have to be so perfect in faith, but i guess that now where e is now, there is no turning back.
I know him enough, even we dont spend too long time together and i know he would be good as husband. Even some of my friends make reconcilliation and trusts with their husbands.. i compare myself with worst cases i know, unhappy people, sick, just to assure myself or to give consolation that I am in not In "so bad position".
I had pretty much experience before him with men, and i can`t be tricked so easily.When i lost faith that i wil find someone, than he appeared, as i was wishing since long ago.
If i leave him, i wanna be sure I can be able to forget him... but how? I even cant face with this fact.
If i have to throw away things that remind me of him as a first step to forgetting I have to throw everything (Life performed pretty ironic test with me)...
I wil leave upon God to decide... Maybe he showed up in my life with purpose. When i don`t have any means to struggle with (financies, support, self-confidance), maybe it`s better to surrender. If i fall down, at least I ll know I am falling in good hands.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 I think you know that you would be making a big mistake marrying this man, no matter how strong your feelings are for him.
You have too many doubts, there are too many red flags about this relationship. You aren't really that compatible. You have been raised with a western sensibility, and will end up resenting the restrictions that a more socially conservative society will place on you. You'll be leaving your family and friends and essentially entering a cloistered existence.
I don't think you would be happy or content there, especially if you aren't as religious as your fiance.
Don't bury your dreams and aspirations because you can't see a way out right now. Our emotions can cause a great deal of havoc in our lives and I think it's important that you take some time to recover from this and give yourself plenty of time. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.
Don't get married to this man. You're not ready and I foresee the unhappiness as well as all your friends and family.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): I think that you should give it some more time. I, myself honestly believe that just because he is muslim does not mean you need to be what he is. You should tell him to let you do things your way as well. He seems to have a lot of things in his favor. Basically, even controlling your life. It's better if you tell him that now and speak up because your going to have a lot more disagreements in the future if you choose to marry him. Sometimes you need to sacrifice, but having to follow his religion just because he believes in it is wrong. Or, you could lay out some more demands of your own. If he can't follow them as you have followed his, then he's not worth it. Since you're in this state to decide marriage or not within 15 days, it is better for you to get more time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Firstly, I will say that I am too a Muslim. I hope my humble opinion is not offensive to you.
I understand your boyfriend's point of view so I'll try to help you break it down. It could be that he has had a sort of wake up call to turn him more religious than he was before. Do understand that this is a common occurence in every Muslim's life.
Now I will try to explain the reasons behind all these Islamic laws that he has tried to implement on you.
1. Prayer
Although it may be difficult for non-Muslims to understand, the Muslim form of prayer is benefitial both physically and spiritually. Spiritually, prayer is supposed to stop our pride and humble us as we have to bow down to God. Physically, many of the actions during prayer is benefitial to health. For example, for pregnant women, when you bow down with your head touching the mat/floor, it helps to turn the baby into its proper position if there are any complications in the way he/she was formed. I'm sorry I can't recall the rest.
2. No Pork
It may not be known to the general public but pork is a pretty unhealthy form of meat, lean or fatty. Shown in many experiments, if not cooked completely, the meat will still have worms in it(due to the fact that pigs tend to eat their waste). These worms can cause many health complications. I believe one of them is cancer.
3. No Alcohol
There was once a religious Muslim who God tested for his faith in Him. An anti-Muslim convinced him that it would take his faith to a new level if he committed either of the three - murder, rape or consuming alcohol. The amount of alcohol which was offered was very little so he did not think it would do much harm so he chose that option. After taking alcohol, he got drunk and raped a girl. Shocked at his actions, he killed her when she screamed. By just taking that small dose of alcohol, he had committed all three sins.
4. Sex Only After Marriage
This is to decrease your chances of contracting Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
5. Exposure Of Skin
This is mostly stressed onto females. The reason behind it is quite obvious - it is to prevent men from getting the temptation to molest or rape her. It is, like most of the other practices, to protect you.
However, I believe that the choice is ultimately yours. I believe you should marry him and turn Muslim. Note, I am not trying to propraganda the religion in which I believe in. Even if you do not believe it, I hope that you are enlightened by some of the rationals behind the practices he tries to implement on you. Although slightly vague, he is trying to protect you. Good luck making your decisions and feel free to delete this if you are in any way offended by my answer.
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