A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It seems that every descent looking guy I come across ends up being a total asshole! They turn out to be liars and cheaters and users and honestly I'm sick of it. They think that just because they are good looking they can step all over peoples feelings as if the other person isn't human enough for them to care about their emotions!I know it's a somewhat of a shallow concern. I know aesthetics aren't more important than personality, but... I just want to know! Is it possible to find any handsome and confident guys that are not assholes?Is there such a thing as a very good combination of looks and personality?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2014): Yes, there is such a thing. Although it will be difficult to find. What you're literally asking is to find someone who is handsome and knows it, yet won't use it to his advantage in any way. This is unlikely for VERY attractive men, and women for that matter. What you need is someone who is confident in OTHER ways, but not think they are "all that" in the looks department. I'm not saying they have to perceive themselves as ugly, but just someone who isn't aware of HOW attractive they are.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2014):
 I think what you lament is in good part age related. Really, not much to do about it , except than understanding how things work and adjustng your expectations accordingly.
So, imagine you are a young male 18-21 who's the body / face of a Greek god and you get lots of female attention, you find yourself having a lot of game and knowing that you do not have to strive to pick and choose mostly anybody you want.
That will generate a kid -in-the-candy- store syndrome, because it's a relatively new thing, it's still exciting and makes you feel powerful and in charge. Do not forget that not all the young Greek gods were born that way- chances are that until very few years before, they looked different , felt different, acted different. Maybe even a dork or a nerd, but anyway just a regular, asexuate , normal kid. Then something happens and the hens , pardon, the girls start flapping their wings when you pass by, and, it takes a while to get used to it, and to get over the chemical rush of "I can have her too. And her. And her."
Most do, eventually, they still like women, but they start worrying about finding someone compatible, with whom having a happy relationship and maybe a happy LIFE, not just on proving to themselves and their peers that they can do everything ( and everybody ) they want. They start caring about quality , not quantity. But maybe, not in your age range yet.
That, you'll say, won't excuse their cheating. No, I agree, it does not. Looks have nothing to do with ethics, so even a "hot " guy should be able to say : Sorry, Megan, you are a great girl, but now I am moving on to Jessica. Rather than going behind your back and tryng to keep a little harem. Yes, they should and they know that they should, but , again, they are young- and anxious you do with as little drama and scoldings and reproaches and criticisms as possible. Same as inventing excuses for why they did not do their homework, or failed their school tests, rather than just saying, yeah that was wrong of me,my bad.
Think : if they come to you and tell you that they like you but also like Jessica and April and Tiffany.... you are not going to say " Well, I realize that at your age you are not very firm in your feelings and enotions and preferences. I realize that you are more into having fun, and making lots of different experiences, than in building a solid, stable relationship. I realize that my need for permanence and stability and reassurance may be more developped in me, 18-21 female, than in you , 18-21 male. So, no hard feelings ". No : you are going to cry and make a fuss and why did you do this to me and I thought we had something together etc.etc. So , they keep playing ( or using you, as you put it ) until they get caught. Coward, yes, - unjust, yes- incomprehensible, no.
Another thing is that , as Cerberus says, maybe what you keep being attracted to, it is not " confidence " but just being cocky and arrogant. The flashy, a.....le version of confident. You know, the guy who " walked into the party as if he was walking into a yacht ". Vain. It draws attention, and it is sexy ( at your age ). But it is not a good sign- it's the sign , in fact, of ... the kind of personality you complain about.
Real confidence is another thing, I think. It does not need to be advertised, " look how confident I am ", it's simple, quiet a nd understaed, shown in actions and choices. Like, just to give you a silly example, being able to send back a screwed up order in a restaurant without making a big fuss about it, or throwing your weight around, or tearing the waiter apart. You DO get it done, because you are entitled to good service and are no pushover, but calmly, rapidly, without drawing attention to you. Or.... like being able to stick to a girl because you like her, and you don't need to prove her, yourself or your friends that you can " do better " and get someone "hotter ".
I suspect you don't actually want confident- you want cock of the walk. That's different, and cocks of the walk can PECK you badly.
Lastly, I'd suggest you to take a little look at your level of self esteem and self image. Everything OK under this aspect ? because, you know, often we choose people to get by proxy what we don't have , or feel we don't have.
Maybe you are not that confident yourself, or you feel that you are not as attractve as you could / should ( ? ) be - and if you snatch a really hot guy, well, that must mean you must be hot stuff yourself , right ?
Our choices say a lot about us , and in your case, no I don't think they say " shallow and superficial ", because personally I think it is a fantasy that one can be attracted JUST by personality and mind, we are made of mind and body , so you ALSO have to feel physical attraction for a man to make him your lover. But, dig a bit, and maybe you will find why your criteria of what can be attractive to YOU , to you personally, has become so restrictive, inflexible and repetitive...
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (13 July 2014):
 It depends what you mean by confident and handsome. You may think a guy is confident who I would see as terribly arrogant, cocky and full of himself. If you go for Alpha Male types who are the life and soul, one of the lads and parade around like they are gods gift then maybe its time to re-evaluate the type of man you go for.
Yes there is a good combination of looks and personality (here i am! Ahem) but you may have to reset your antenna to be more in tune with a guys personality than looks.
Mark
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 July 2014):
 It is rare in men. Usually, when they are good looking and know it, they are stupid about it and just take advantage of any girl they can. You need to find a handsome man who doesn't know how good looking he is. Only then will he be polite, honest etc. That's my experience. I guess the same goes for women, a lot of beautiful women are airheads who just want men to do their every bidding, instead of actually caring about a relationship.
I've dated handsome men who were also decent and nice people. But they had low self esteem, and didn't know how handsome they were. In the end, their low self esteem became a whole problem in itself, so I wouldn't recommend that either.
The perfect solution is to find your own "niche" of guys. Guys who YOU, and almost only you, find hot and sexy, but who other girls aren't that attracted to. That way you get a man who you find hot, while he doesn't have a huge ego and thinks he can get any girl he wants....
I avoid dating men that are handsome and know it for this precise reason. Their arrogance and self-adoration annoys me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2014): There is, but you're not attracted to those guys.
OP it's not just looks that appeal to you, there are mannerisms, body language etc that are all part of the aesthetic package and you like guys with an assholes swagger.
An extremely good looking guy who is confident yet timid would probably not be your type at all.
Because I suspect your version of confidence is more akin to arrogance.
I have a doctor friend who has no luck with women, very good looking, great job, outdoors sports type of guy who is very confident and intelligent. But he's the timid thinker type of confident. Prefers to listen than to talk shit, the type of person when he does actually say something it's always something meaningful, relevant or hilarious.
Women don't think he's confident though because he's not brash and loud, he doesn't chase skirt either or act like he owns the place, so he doesn't attract much attention. I mean he gets stared at a lot, a real head turner in terms of how handsome he is but he doesn't have predatory instinct when it comes to women and when it comes down to it just like you most women want that predatory behaviour or they don't think he's confident.
All I can say to you, OP is you'll grow out of it. There are very handsome men out there that are lovely guys but you don't see them as truly handsome because they're not the predator type you like.
There is that combo out there, OP, if you're not finding it it's because you don't like that combo and are attracted to the type you keep ending up with. You'll learn in the future what true confidence in a man is.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (13 July 2014):
Lol, yes.
Signed, a 45 year old woman who just met the love of her life five years ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2014): There are probably guys out there asking the same question about attractive females.
You're very young, so you really haven't had enough exposure or experience with a wider range of personality-types. Simply put, you've only had a limited sample at your age. I challenge you to count the number of guys you've seriously dated since you were 16. Not very many huh?
You've only met a few "boys." The world is populated with billions, my dear. You have a variety of choices. Just learn to make better choices.
What you may consider "confident" types; may be arrogant, or conceited. Cocky.
With a little more experience, it will be easier to tell the difference. I couldn't explain it any better than YouWish, from the lady's perspective. You may just be more attracted to a "type," rather than personality.
You've learned a very valuable lesson in dating. You now know what "type" to stay the hell away from. Don't be prejudiced, or create stereotypes; based on a few bad examples you've had the unfortunate experience to meet.
I know you're frustrated, and just venting!
Broaden your interests and date different personalities, nationalities, and ethnic groups. Keeping cultural differences and religion in mind. Draw the line at the extremes. You can't handle all-types. You don't have to.
Just those right for YOU!
It can be very disconcerting, when you fall for someone who can't seem to muster natural human emotion and affection. Or, once he gets sex; he tells you his parents wouldn't approve of you. Kick that hot-mess to the curb.
He's just dipping his wick; and will run back to hide behind his culture, or his family's money. He only needs to make a notch in his bed-post for bragging-rights. He'll meet his match soon enough.
He is otherwise searching selectively to find the "perfect match." Someone who is eye-candy to brag about to his friends;and to meet his family's approval. They'll treat you well at the start, in order to use you. Just some off-the-cuff advice. Sometimes you don't plan a match, they just happen.
Just the experience of meeting a type not fitting a "preconceived-criteria," or "fitting the mold" is enlightening and refreshing. It broadens your perspective, removes inherent prejudices, and dispels societal stereotypes of men.
You'll have a different opinion of what good-looking men can and should be. That very many are as good to be with, as they are to look at. "Good" men are like precious stones. You don't find them under every rock.
You have to realize, that if you're a teen approaching manhood; or a guy in his early twenties. He has finally achieved that gym-bod he always dreamed of;and nature blessed him with chiseled features. All the attention and head-turning can go to his head. His brain may not be developed enough to match the outside. Just as the girl who turns heads everywhere she goes. Guys line-up, and she can chose anyone she wants.
That sword cuts both ways, my dear.
That is, until you mature enough to know you want people to see what is beneath the surface, and you want to be liked for who you are. Not your appearance.
The "average-looking" to "cute" nice guy is often over-looked; if he is low-key. He may not turn heads, as his presence is more understated. In spite of his great personality; many want the "whole package." That being the out-going type with good-looks, great job, money, and a fabulous car. It often looks good on the surface. This still may compensate for a lack of a personality for some women. Until his inflated ego makes him totally unbearable. So the average to cute nice guy; may feel the same as you do.
If you go online, you'll notice these hot dudes with cool cars, motorcycles, and speedboats. Sun-tanned, bronzed, and posing in fantastic backdrops in exotic places. You can count the squares in their eight-pack abs.
Why haven't they been scooped up?
Their profiles say they're easy-going, have great senses of humor, and they're just a bunch of fun. Well, you have to hard-sell when the product doesn't live up to the hype.
So the next time a cute "average" guy walks up and gives you a smile. He politely says hello, and attempts to have a chat. Give him a chance. You don't have to date him, just get used to getting to know people based on who they are, and not how good they look.
Are you looking for a boyfriend to impress your girlfriends, or the guy who makes you feel full of joy the minute you see his smile?
I found one recently. I once had a relationship that lasted nearly 30 years! Really handsome. He died. I wasn't even looking, and ran into the great guy I met a couple of months ago. He's a great-looking "average" guy. Fun to be around, grounded, kind, and level-headed. I even got dumped by a great looking guy with lots of money. I learned something from him. So I don't feel any bitterness toward him. Don't give them that power!!! Just look for something beyond looks!
That's not lowering your standards, it's upgrading your attitude.
However; there are some guys who hide their dark-side quite well. They may not show their true colors for a long-time. Usually after you've completely fallen for them. Strictly limiting your attraction to exceptionally handsome types, is rewarding your own ego; so you have to own a bit of responsibility for how things turn out in the end.
Average to nice-looking guys may not stand-out as much; but they/we clean-up real nice, and are often bypassed for the more outgoing striking males. It's natural instinct to search out a mate with the best physical features and attributes; so please don't take offense when I said you were rewarding your ego. We all do. That's human-nature.
If we attract good-looking people, it means we are attractive in our own right. It's after trial and error that we find that being superficial limits our selections, and we suffer for being so vain and shallow. I'm not saying you are, I am speaking in-general now.
You're young, and you're still learning about all this.
I'm answering your question, and responding to others who also feel as you do. I myself still feel that way from time to time. I'm gay, and you can't find more narcissistic people anywhere. We are very driven by looks, fashion, and cosmetics. It's part of the culture, but we are not to be stereotyped as most people try to categorize us. As a subculture from outer-space. People who have to hide a greater part of their lives, tend to be drawn to ways to be loved and accepted. Youth and appearance being at the top of the list. There is your grand selection of good-looking young and older assholes! They're okay to date; but not for keeps!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 July 2014):
 If you're finding a pattern to the guys you're attracted to, then the issue lies in what attracts you, or your "type", as it were. Some women are attracted to guys who end up abusive. Others to guys who end up jealous to a fault, and you happen to find narcissistic ones.
You may want to try and break pattern and date someone who isn't your type, or who wouldn't initially catch your eye. It also may be good to ask your friends who know you in person about finding someone with the whole package. Sometimes close friends know you (and any potential guy suggestions) better than you know yourself.
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