A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship right now, we've been dating exclusively from the beginning for about three months (with a break), then after three months, we decided to be commit further with a long-term bf/gf relationship, and now it's been seven months. Here is the problem. He has admitted that he has had lingering feelings for his ex-gf during the first three months. I then broke up with him. We were broken up for about two to three weeks, then he came back and said he wanted to be with me. He told me that during these few weeks, he had tried to contact his ex to see if they could make it work, but that she made it very clear she did not want to get back together with him. I did take him back at this time. In our fourth month together, after we decided to be long term, he met with his ex because, as he swears, he just needed to see her one more time to get closure from that relationship. (Some background on his relationship with his ex: two year, long term relationship; he said he still loved her when they broke up, but that it was clear the relationship wasn't working out, and eventually she's the one who broke up with him over the phone. He then spent months calling her and trying to work it out with her without ever having seen her because of the distance. Finally, he decided he needed to move on, and that's when we met and he asked me out. He hadn't seen his ex since even before they broke up). Of course I was upset that he needed to see his ex, and I just can't understand this. So I've actually been feeling very hurt and I've been feeling like second-choice with all of this. I did want to get back together at that time he asked me back, and in the months that followed, we've had great times, and he's been good to me, and I feel he is honest with me. I don't know why this is all starting to bother me now. I just feel like I deserve better than this, but I don't know if I'm over-reacting. I just wanted to know what people thought about this. Whether I'm a fool for being with someone who did this, or whether it's normal and whether I should just focus on the present and the future, since he's made it clear he wants to be with me. He has told me that he made a mistake with his ex, and he wishes he hadn't hurt me because he realizes that he wants to be with me, not her. He does admit he wasn't sure in the beginning in those first few months, but now he says he wants to spend a lifetime with me. Am I being immature by not focusing on what he's telling me now? I keep going back to the fact that he would have left me for her if she has said yes, instead of turning him down. I'm focusing on the fact that four months into our relationship, he actually felt he needed to meet up with her. And it's hard for me to believe that he really wants to be with me when I feel he's really just settling since he couldn't get his ex back. I'm not sure what to think or feel anymore, and I"m at a loss. I want to forgive him, but I'm not sure if I should stay with him. Please help me with any insight if you can. Thanks so much.
View related questions:
a break, broke up, get back together, his ex, immature, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 You were a rebound, there to feed his ego...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): "We were broken up for about two to three weeks, then he came back and said he wanted to be with me."Don't believe what he SAYS, believe what he DOES. "He told me that during these few weeks, he had tried to contact his ex to see if they could make it work, but that she made it very clear she did not want to get back together with him. I did take him back at this time."Translation: You're a rebound since he can't be with his ex and he doesn't want to be alone. ". . . it's hard for me to believe that he really wants to be with me when I feel he's really just settling since he couldn't get his ex back."That's exactly what's happening, and you know because he told you as much. Not his fault that you didn't want to hear what you didn't want to believe, your fault that you believed only what you wanted to hear. "I want to forgive him, but I'm not sure if I should stay with him."You shouldn't. Anyone who has lingering feelings for an ex is not ready to move on to a new relationship. You know you were second choice, yet you took him back, presumably lacking a viable alternative yourself. I will temper my advice by admitting that from my old fart POV I simply can't fathom or comprehend how anyone can decide to be exclusive from the start with a virtual stranger, especially a guy coming off the break-up of a long-term relationship which ended when he was dumped over the phone. His judgment was and is clouded.
...............................
|
