A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy in a long distance relationship for 2 years. He lives 50 miles away and I only see him at weekends. In the week he lives with his widowed sister and works with her son to help him out as he is retired. The other week for the first time he stayed with me during the week but that was only because they were both away. I am starting to feel as though they are a family and I'm an outsider he doesn't pay either of us any keep but buys shopping occasionally. Hes done one or two small jobs but I think he does quite a lot of work with the nephew. The only gifts he's ever brought me were bits and pieces from his sister's charity shop pile. I plan and book everthing we do and i have to ask him more than once for holiday money. He cant be short of money as he was a big earner when he worked. I'm starting to feel slightly resentful as if I'm just some kind of weekend hobby.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 December 2017):
 It sounds to me like you are not wanting advice so am not sure why you wrote on here, but if you feel this bad about him then maybe you should end things once and for all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo need to be rude. Look at "baggage reclaim - men who live with their mothers" this is a similar situation ....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2017): virtually everyone on here has said that you are the one that maybe has the issues and not your boyfriend. Yet you continue to tell us all we are wrong! It's 'reasonable' to have expectations of a relationship, but everybody's expecatations are different and yours are no more right or wrong than his, sweety. Stop stamping your selfish feet.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2017):
 Sure it's reasonable.
But... it is what it is.
These relatives are adult independent people; it's your bf who is not independent.
If he has no job, no money, no car, no home etc... other than what it is kindly provided by these people, it's also rather natural that he is expected to, well, sing for his supper, and that he complies graciously with the expectations.
For reasons of his, your bf thinks he cannot, or he actually cannot, stand on his feet , by himself. Then what would you do even if he moved in with you ?. Are you prepared to support him financially and take care of all the bills by yourself ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWould you be happy if your wife or partner lived with her sibling/parent? These aren't dependent family they are adult, independent people. It's totally reasonable to expect that you are able to live with your partner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2017): He is doing nothing wrong. How many times have men been accused of the opposite- not doing anything for their families? Now this poor guy is in the wrong because he's there for his family more than his girlfriend!If he feels that way about his direct family, then there's not much you can do. I would say you shouldn't feel like a hobby- imagine the situation in a slightly different way: a single mother that has a boyfriend will likely meet that boyfriend as and when she can, which could be described as being hobby like, too. It doesn't mean she's not thinking long term about thatbyfriend, it's just that the priority isn't him. Don't imagine that his priorities are against you, but don't tell him where his priorities should be, either- in this case it's entirely subjective.It's understandable if you're feeling left out, ignored or frustrated. Talk to him about it, if you haven't already. Nobody is doing anything wrong so it might end up being one of those relationships that has to end because you both want too different things.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 November 2017):
He does not have any moral obligation to this people " as YOU see it ". Probably he sees it differently; and I am positive that the SISTER, who's providing free room and board and general assistence to a grown up, able-bodied brother, sees it differently too.
Anyway, if this is the way you feel about it, ( not that you would not have your reasons to feel this way ) , yes, maybe it's time for you to let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2017): If you feel that way about it; then maybe it's time for you to consider letting him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify. He lives with his sister and works with the nephew. the nephew has his own house and he lives with his girlfriend. He doesn't really have any moral obligation to them as I see it and he is free to move around as he chooses. He's having his cake and eating it at the moment because he has no responsibility in either home and seems to be cherry picking a life out of each for himself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 November 2017):
Well, I have to try and argue in favour of this guy. That IS his family, his sister and nephew , whom he lives with, free of charge. I think it's normal if he has ,or feels ,the obligation to be around and available weekdays in case his presence is required for work or just companionship. This is how he pays for his upkeep and contributes to the family in lack of material contributions. If the sister , beside giving him free board and lodging, also basically keeps house for him , cooks,cleans etc... we have a sort of " this house is not a hotel ! " type of situation, and I understand that he feels it's simpler , and fairer, giving weekdays to his family and weekends to you . Same exactly as you give your weekdays to your employer , and your weekends to your partner .
Btw, if you work full time, and if the guy has no car and no income, it's not clear to me how and when you would want to see him more often. If he has to use public transportation, it's already a decent effort for him to travel to you every week, I understand how doing it more often is not practical or not deisrable for him.
As for him being short of money, I have no idea, maybe you are right, he is just a terrible skinflint. Nevertheless you should not take him having been a big earner in the past as a parameter for his current spending. Maybe he did not work long enough to get a pension, maybe he only got a very modest one- maybe he is being prudent, nowadays it's not unusual to last up into your 90s, and if you stop working relatively young , and you have no income, no huge savings, no real estate ... eh you wanna be veeery careful with your spending , otherwise- good luck.
I also understand, though, your frustration in not seeing this relationship progressing to something more stable and more intimate. You don't want to be just " dating " forever, and this is totally understandable. Then again,... if you cannot move to be with him because of your job- and he cannot move to be with you because of HIS job ( which, let's not forget it, consists , more or less, of being at his relatives' beck and call... ) - then it's nobody's fault, and what can you do ? Either accept graciously what you have with this man - or decide that it's not enough to fulfill you , and move on.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 November 2017):
 You shouldn't simply SETTLE for a man, just because YOU like him.
Your bf lives far away from you and it's little wonder the two of you aren't closer.
You simply haven't spent enough one on one time together and no relationship can stand this test for the long term.
Also, it appears that your bf is treating you more as a "casual" partner, rather than an "exclusive" partner.
If he "chooses" to spend more of his time with his sister and his nephew over you, that would be because you are obviously, not the "priority" in his life right now and be mindful that you may never be.
YOU need to "decide" what's best for YOU and know that you won't be able to change him and trying to, will only push him even further away.
Men do know what they want and if he's not giving you quality time and making you feel important in his life, then you're most probably wasting your time with this man.
You know the old saying, "actions do speak louder than words" and right now, your bf's actions are speaking loud and clear, so be mindful of that.
You can try sitting him down and talking to him about how you feel, however, i doubt he'll be making any hasty changes, as he appears somewhat, "set" and "rigid" in his ways and appears to enjoy the way things are now.
It's great that he cares for his sister and his nephew and there's nothing wrong with that, HOWEVER, if you were as important to him as they are, then he would ALSO make more time for you and for your long distance relationship, to not be so long distant.
I imagine, if he truly wished to be with you, he'd simply ask you to move in with him, or he'd move closer to you, or you could both meet somewhere in the middle, but he would be doing something, not nothing.
It doesn't bother him, as much as it bothers you, because he obviously doesn't have much more time to spare, hence the bare necessities being enough for him, BUT, is it enough for you and what are you prepared to do about it?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 November 2017):
 He obviously feels a large sense of obligation to his sister and nephew. So those two ARE his priority. Which means you are the 3rd or lower.
I'd have a talk about how it makes you feel that you two don't spend more time together. See what he suggests.
I get that moving isn't really an option for EITHER of you. You because of work and him because of his obligation to his sister and nephew. So where can this really go?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (21 November 2017):
Dump him although you really can’t dump someone you’re not in a real relationship with and you aren’t but you get the idea. Then find a man who is actually in your life and into you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Have either of you discussed living together? Maybe shortening the distance between you in order to be together?
Apparently you aren't a priority in his life. You are a supplement. His girlfriend when he needs one. From what you say, that's not often.
I think you've been too patient or passive. You haven't told him how you feel and what you need. Let's not forget, the relationship is one-half your choice; and if it doesn't meet your needs, you have to decide what's best for you. He has definitely decided his sis and nephew are his top concerns.
People accept LDR's without setting a time-limit or mutually-agreed date that these strenuous-terms should come to an end. Your situation is by mutual-agreement. Distance is not due to some outside force separating you. He likes spending all his time with his kinfolk. They have close ties.
Talk to him about it. Try and make a compromise. That means you both have to make some sort of personal-sacrifice. If his nephew is a boy without a father; he might be his mentor and stand-in dad. It may be more about the nephew, than his sister.
You didn't mention the nephew's age. Even if in his 20's, a guy needs a male role-model when his dad is absent. An uncle is the closest thing to a father, if you don't have a dad.
I think if it was another woman or a wife, you would have figured that out by now.
Have a talk. If no compromise can be reached. Stop holding on to a relationship that won't change to suit your needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question He has no car. I can't move because of my job. It wouldn't be commutable - whereas he doesn't have a 'real' job. He works with his nephew but he tells me he doesn't get paid. I suppose this is how he pays his way to the sister.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2017):
If you are not fulfilled talk to him first and TELL him how you feel. If nothing changes? Then end it and find someone who WANTS to spend more time with you.
50 miles is NOTHING. It's an hours drive.
It's all about priorities.
Have YOU considered moving closer to him? If not, why not? Why is all on him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Are you sure he's living with his sister, have you met her if not he could be living with another woman?
If it is family then I would say he puts them first and your second I was with a man like this. As tour booking and planning everything it seems he doesn't seem to care much and I don't believe he's invested in
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