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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Morning everyone. Can you give me your thoughts please. I'm in a hole and can't see which way to go. My husband is in a job where he works very long hours. He always did ever since I met him, so nothings changed there. But before, he worked very close to home - thats how I met him - and though he was gone 13-14 hours a day, I could pop in and see him during the day if there was a problem, or if I just needed to see him. We were very happy. He was desperate to change his job to spend more time at home, or so he thought. So eventually he has got out of that job into a differnet one, where he still works 13 hours a day!!! - just the 13 hours are at a different stretch, but this time he's not close to home and he starts at 6 in the morning, so the 'cuddle time' we created before when he started work at 11.30 has gone. I quite often go out in the evening, and I always did and it was never a problem cus he was working till 12.30 at night, so now quite often when he comes home I'm already gone out, and then on the nights I'm home sometimes he will see his friends, so its become an impossible situation to me. When I get back in at night he's already gone to bed, so no time there either. What do we do? I try to keep something alive by calling him sometimes to check in with him, and the other night when I came home he was still up. I was really happy to see him, but by the time I let the dog out and came back in - no more than 10 minutes, he was already in bed - asleep. For me the real problem is this - it really bothers me that I'm getting no love and affection or time with him, but he doesn't seem to be the least bit worried or bothered by it. We had a huge bust up last night cus as he was coming in I was just taking our new puppy for a walk - we only got him 3 days ago - so I asked him to come along, to enjoy the fun. He said there was a tv programme he wanted to see. I was really disappointed again. His brother was there and told him to come, as he knows I'm getting fed up, so he came, but was really only wanting to get back as fast as possible to watch tv. Then because he is foreign he watches different tv to me, so he went in the sitting room with his brother, and I went in the bedroom and chatted with my friends. I'm really losing interest here. I'm thinking of moving to the coast, I know he won't come because his business is here - but I feel what will I be losing? I hardly have his company or attention here, so what will be different? Just I won't feel disappointed by someone who doesn't have the same needs as me. I'd love to hear of any ideas you may have. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you are right Susan, there's a lot of dynamics going on here. Firstlhy there's culture difference, then there's age difference, then there's just plain personality difference. He also has several ocds which just adds to the cooking pot going on here. Add that to having no interests, apart from watching football on the tv, nor time to fit them in even if he had the inclination, and it doesn't look a very good picture even from where I'm sitting, and I'm writing it!!! You see because he worked 11am-12.30 pm before, I never really had a problem. I knew where he was, what time he would be home and on his one day off I could forgive most of his odd little ways because you can put up with anything when you know its only one day a week. But now - when he finishes work at 6pm, I kind of had the picture of a 'normal' whatever that means, life. At first I was concerned. I'd had my freedom for 7 years, how would I find it having someone around in the evenings, but I needn't have worried because apart from one or two in the past 5 weeks, he hasn't really been here. Sometimes he hasn't come home and has stayed where he works because of the bus service from here is so difficult, but even thats fine. I understand most things, as long as I'm told. But he doesn't seem to like to conform - they don't in his culture - and the partner he works with who I dislike so much has very little respect or regard for women, so I know when he's with him he certainly won't pick up the phone to me, a mere woman. From my side, when we first married I got very confused because I was brought up in a time where you looked after your husband, gave him dinner when he got home, etc etc, and though I hadn't done it for a long time, it was quite nice to think of being able to take care of the man who was taking care of me. Then I discovered how much the ocds affected him, and saw his life was getting smaller and smaller, and in effect so was mine. I was also confused because where he comes from the woman is just in the home, doing nothing but cooking and cleaning all day. He has never wanted or expected that of me. But it also hurts a little to see him eating their food when we go back to his country, whoever the woman we are visiting may be, yet politely turning his nose up at mine - even though I prepare and cook food from his country to the best of my ability. He's not rude about it, just doesn't eat it, so I try something else, same problem, so in the end after 2 weeks of more food going in the dustbin than anywhere else I said he had better do the cooking from now on - so he now eats at work!!! Another thing we don't do together. Really I have racked my brains with this one. He doesn't see I'm being reasonable at all at the moment and can't understand why I'm so upset that we have no time together, he says 'thats life'. I did make him go to the doctor and the doctor confirmed he had ocd and gave him medication, which has helped a little, and he's on a list for counselling, but that is about a year wait as he needs an interpreter. I don't feel very hopeful at the moment, and I feel very sad too, because we were very happy before, but I truly cannot see the answer to this. I've tried chip chip chipping away at things, but its very hard work. He also has needed a great deal of support because of the language problem, which has meant I've had responsibility for most things. I've now handed that back to him. I'm tired, my energy is very low, I'm not superwoman and I don't want to be any more. But I do appreciate your input. You see things very clearly because you're on the outside, and thats a great help. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (16 May 2008):
 I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your problem is that you need him to see that, but from your reply I would guess that the problems are more deeply rooted than simply the hours he works and the job he is doing.
As I see it, it's a question of priorities for you. If you "give up" some of your time then you are in a position to ask him seriously to do the same - "I'm going to stop going out on Thursday because I want you to do...." and be firm about it. I think you will have to push and push and push at him to get halfway to what you want. It doesn't sound as though it's going to be easy, and it might be that ultimately the only answer is to accept you have to go your own ways. You have to decide whether what you have and what you want from him is really worth fighting for, and if it is then you need to quantify what sacrifices you are prepared to make to get it. It's very easy for me or anyone else here to read what you've said and to tell you he's not being reasonable, but that really doesn't get you anywhere. You already know that.
You can't change his character, but you may be able to change his behaviour. The only way to do that may be to change yours. Demonstrating how much you are going out of your way to fit in with him puts you in a position to demand changes from him too - without being confrontational or starting an argument about it. The "if I do... then you need to do..." is usually a powerful tool. Men can respond in all sorts of ways to the most insignificant incentives sometimes - but they're all different and in your case I doubt whether patting him on the head and praising him when he does something you want is going to work - but you see what I mean? It's not always dealing with the "big problem" that produces the solution to the big problem. I don't know if that makes any sense at all to you. I can't explain it any better. Can you, for example, focus him onto something that he does enjoy doing with you and then expand it into something that takes up more time and gives him a real desire to spend as much time as possible with you? Perhaps the problem now is as much to break a habit, a routine, than anything else. I'm clutching at straws, but I hope that you can find something useful in what I'm saying. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS I would make myself available more in the evenings if he WAS there - but he chooses to stay at work and chat with the people he's been working all day long with - thats the custom in the country he comes from. So what am I staying home for? Also, its only 1 night a week I go out right now. Thats no big deal is it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply and I hear what you are saying. You are right in lots of respects. We are both very independent people and both want our own way, I think that is also true here. Its also true that we were happy before because I fitted my life around his working hours, I created our 'cuddle time' in the mornings and have asked how we can create that time now. He said we could both go to bed at the same time - but sometimes he needs to go to bed at 9pm and I'm just not ready to go then, although I have gone at that time just to chat and make that time together and then got back up after he has gone to sleep cus I'm just not ready for sleep. But I have to say it has been rare that we've been around at the same time in the evening to go to bed together. I know what you're saying about me being the homemaker, and yes thats true, but I also do a lot of other stuff at college etc and I'm looking to start my own business, so I need to go out in the evenings - and anyway, why should I just give up my life totally to fit round his. As for moving nearer to his business - I wanted to move away from here ever since I met him, before that even, but because of his work here then I waited. He, however, doesn't want to live anywhere but here, and wherever I find somewhere else to live - I've got a lot of capital in the house I want tin the Bank to spend and enjoy my life - he just turns his nose up, which is really upsetting and very controlling as it is my house from my previous marriage. Then he decides to get this business and its with a friend I really don't approve of - his morals are not that good I'm afraid. I tried to persuade him not to go into that business, but he said he really wanted to. I offered to sell the house and give him the money he needed from there so that we could start a business in a different place. He said he couldn't take my money, so I offered to be a partner, therefore getting an income. We had talked many times before about moving to the coast and he'd said once he got his business I could live wherever I wanted and he would commute. Unfortunately now he's seen that he is still exhausted from these long hours, he wouldn't want to commute. So now all he will think about is just living here, which is my old family house, and doesn't work for us being here either. We both thought our lives would be easier, but in fact it seems to be more difficult and I'm really disappointed. I'm 58 now, he's younger than me, I feel if I don't do what I want soon then I never will. I can see both sides of what you're saying, but I feel I've already given so much, I'd just like a little something in return. Maybe its me thats being unreasonable. I can usually see if I am, but maybe this time I'm too close to the problem.
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reader, Susan Strict +, writes (16 May 2008):
You need to sort out what is most important in your lives.
If he is working those sort of hours, then his job must be important to him - and maybe to you too if it is paying the money you both need.
You say you are considering moving to the coast - well, why don't you both think about moving closer to his job?
Secondly, assuming the job he has is important to you both, then your only option is to change your routine. You have to be there when he is there - not "out in the evening" and only "home sometimes". You need to work it out with him, and make sure that the nights you go out and the nights he needs to see his friends coincide. It sounds to me that you simply aren't communicating with each other. You say it really bother you that you aren't getting the love and affection or time with him, but as it stands you aren't making the effort to create that time any more than he is.
His needs and desires may well be every bit as great as yours, but with his thoughts focused on the job and having great difficulty in finding the time to relax and think about anything else, he isn't going to sort it out. That's your job. You need to plan and to organise. You have the time to think about it and the time to do it.
I'm assuming you aren't working as well - your question suggests that you aren't. Your marriage, your partnership, carries responsibilities for both of you. If he is the breadwinner, the main source of the income for the two of you, then you need to be the homemaker. It's as simple as that. You need to arrange your home life and his so that it is something you both enjoy, with times you can follow your own interests as well as times to be together. If you expect him to do that, then it's never going to happen. It's up to you.
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