A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I need some advice/help...I'm 24 and a mother to a beautiful 7 year old daughter. I have also been in what I have discovered to be a very toxic relationship for 5 years.To sum it up, we have both hurt each other for no reason but too. He's cheated, I cheated. He hit me so I hit him kinda deal. The thing is for 3 years I have bent over backwards to make this relationship for the best.He is the type that believes a woman can't have friends (male or female) can't go out with my girls. Can't stay the night with my best friend either. He always claims I'm cheating,or something to those lines.Now, I haven't cheated on him since told him about it. (I actually came here for advice and got what I needed to hear) what hurts is he knows I haven't. I don't have much of a life with being a mom and work then the energy for him every night.Which, every night. (like every one) we fight over the same thing over and over again. He is extremely violent and thought my daughter does not see it as it happens she notices the after effects of our storms. He calls me the most horrible and heartbreaking words known to the female sex. If I don't have any type of sexual intercourse with him he takes it as a personal blow.. In the beginning when I stopped doing as he asked. My reasons were medical and he still flipped out on me.Now it's cause I just...can't. I don't get off. It hurts to the point that I'm crying as soon as he starts. I feel bad, reading over this I seem so cold hearted like I'm the bad one in this relationship. But in all honesty it's both of us. Which he says it's all me..I want to leave him. I can't stand the idea of living like this for the rest of my life... Yet he likes to say the lines of "I don't know what I do without you, if you left I don't want to see your kid anymore," or "no one will ever love a C*** like you.I don't really care about my love life honestly. I care about what my daughter will look for in a man. Or how she sees her mother weak and crying herself to sleep. It's just not right.So I ask, what do you think? If I stay, I feel like my soul will die. That I'll be broken forever. If I leave I'll leave with the clothes on my back and my child with nowhere to turn...Please help in anyway you can.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 August 2014):
 These folks help out women in your situation all the time: http://www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233 for guidance and a local referral.
Best wishes to you. Your health and safety are paramount. It doesn't matter if you have a job if you are injured or worse.
Get out ASAP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): Get out of there immediately. Anything is better than where you are now and you have to get away, for yourself and also for your daughter. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis  +, writes (27 August 2014):
 Read over my comment again and see if it helps you figure out what would be a feasible way forward for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): Thank you for your input. I'm sorry I did not clarify some things to this situation.
Yes I have a job. It's just hard to save money. I can only work part-time due to lack of incomes for a sitter. I also have to put out money for groceries & all that jazz daily. Since he eats everything & leaves us with nothing.
I have been saving money tho, nothing big true. Just money he wouldn't notice missing from my paychecks.When it comes to other places...
The company I work for has a Abuse help organization. From what my managers tell me they help woman &mothers in this position with a place,& means to get to work. The only thing holding me back on this is waiting on the managers to order the cards that are usually placed in the break room.
As for family/friends. I have a few friends that say they will help but from my experience people say one thing & do the other. My father is the only option I have family wise & he stated very clearly that he must be the last source. W/my father tho. I will have to quit my job & I honestly don't want to do that. I've worked hard just to get a job & this job has helped me wake up from all this.
As far as I can tell I'm not in any immediate danger. Yet, I can't shake this feeling I get. He knows something is going on so I have fear. Our lease for the house ends September. I kinda gave myself that time limit to get out.
I'm not the type of woman who must be with a man to be happy. I'm very happy with just my daughter & myself. It has been like that before & I did decent.
I know this might sound immature but what would be the steps? In doing this... I understand the important papers of my daughter & I. Also understand what I should & should not take. Though a majority of this stuff is from my mother, I know as much as I don't want to I will have to leave it behind. But materials are just that.
I get the basics on what to do I suppose but feel like...there's something else that I could do...
Yet again, thank you kindly for y'alls advice and thoughts.
I do want to state last night after I posted this I had to stay up all night (he kept wanting to "talk" & refused for me to sleep) during those hours... I just knew I was done with it all. Made the choice of "I'm leaving regardless" & when I say I'll commit to it I will.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 August 2014):
 Do you have a job? Can your family help?
Because I fully agree with Auntie Cindy. YOU NEED to leave. Now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 You NEED to leave. Not , " it would be best if " , or " you should try to ". Yoy NEED to leave. Like, now. Today if you can.
That's a horrible picture that you pant, it does not really matter who's got more fault for it. It's a terrible, terrible mess, and if you do not care about yourself, please at least care to not let your child be stuck in it.
You say she does not see the actual storms, but she can see the after storm effects, which also sounds like it happens often. That's too much, that's already giving her wrong ideas and warped perceptions about lots of things ( about how relationships works , about how men are, about acceptability of violence, etc. )- that can really screw her head for life. You have NO RIGHT to only think of yourself and let her be exposed to this stuff.
Plus, it is dangerous, physically dangerous. You say that this man is extremely violent. So far, only with you, not with your daughter ,luckily. It is not so surprising, some men will be enough of a piece of shit to beat up a woman, but not enough of a piece of shit to beat up a young child. But she won't stay a young child, she'll grow up soon. Soon she may look like a young woman, even at 13 or 12, she will be a teenager, maybe a sassy , flippant teenager, .. a NORMAL teenager who talks back. Do you know for sure how this man is going to see ,having to take " attitude " from a girl ? He might turn like a wild beast against her too, he might beat her to a pulp, or worse.
And it would be your fault.
Swallow back your pride and ask for help to relatives and old friends if you have any left, tell them that's a life or death situation, make all the amends you could have to make. If really there's nobody that can put you up for a few days or weeks while you regroup and take your life into your hands again, there are women's shelters, there are charities, there are churchs. Go speak to the social services. Who cares about " just the shirt on your back " , if he kills you in a rage you would need no shirt, would that be better ?
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A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (26 August 2014):
You have two options depending on whether or not you are safe:
- pack up the necessities when he's out at work or whatever, then take yourself and your daughter to you parents'/friends' house (call first) and visit your closest help centre as soon as possible. The longer you leave it, the less and less you will feel able to leave him.
- if you're not in any danger, pre-plan. Your first priority is asking someone you trust (who is not friends with or related to him) to have your daughter stay over until you can find somewhere else to live. Take any money YOU have (none from him) and rent a really basic two bedroom flat, or even a one bedroom flat and buy a sofa bed for the living room - anything. Then, when you've rented the place, ask that same friend and any other people you trust to help you move out YOURS AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S STUFF ONLY when your partner is out at work, it's important that you get out what you need before he comes home and don't tell him where you're moving to; you'll need to seek legal advice after moving out to see if there's anything he can do about any of it. Sorry for capitalising it, but it's necessary that the only things you take are clothes, toys etc. that he can't ever try to use against you - so nothing that is used by everybody, like TVs, pots and pans, food, etc. Move out, then get some shopping for the essentials.
It's not worth living like this. Stay single for several months just to focus on healing, setting yourself and your daughter up and creating some independent stability for yourself and your daughter again.
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