A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ah well, here goes, lots to tell...I met a wonderful girl 2 and a half years ago, she was beautiful and sexy, and was interested in me, however, the months before we actualy got together people were telling me to stay away, and suggesting some pretty outlandish stories, some i heard her talk about herself at parties. i chose to ignore these comments, and we started dating, still people were telling me to stay away, saying she had slept around, and was even a lesbian. i put it down to stupid rumours and carried on.however, the worries started, and i started to think as men tend to do. i already knew she had been engaged and had lived with another man for over a year, and it had ended very badly. but it got strange when on our first few dates it would always end with her in tears saying, she wasn't good enough, and that she had a terrible past. i casualy asked her how many people were in her past, and she reeled off a list. now i'm not the worlds most experienced man, and got a bit dissapointed and stressed, but i promised myslef i would deal with it and to not worry. Still the rumours were going around, but now i wasn't sure if they were true or not.Soon we told each other we loved each other, it was both our first time in love and it felt so special. however, my best friend had a bad feeling about the girl and didn't want to get invloved, another friend said he had kissed her. i fell out with my friends as i wanted to be with her, and couldn't stand anyone badmouthing her. i lost all my buddies and just stuck with her, she was all i wanted.over the next 18 months i was in agony, i wanted to know who it was i was going out with, what she had done, and why, there were so many rumors. i told her my feelings and why, but she would hardly ever tell me anything, she was very cryptic, saying i didn't need to know. when i did find things out, they often didn't make sense or contarcdicted earlier things. It made me feel very bad to keep badgering her with questions, but i couldn't stop. she had a terrible childhood, and said sex was never fun and was only done because she though she had to. Fair enough, but certain things didn't ring true, and even then i found it hard. i sought councelling, and anti-depressants to overcome the pain, and to stop asking her these questions, it didn't help.then finaly a few days ago, she tells me in tears that she has lied to me all along. she had lied to protect me, but there was more stuff in the past that she belived i couldn't handle.I left, and after a week of deliberating i decided to phone her to sort it out. she was so cold on the phone, didn't want to make "small talk", she said that there had been more people that she had slept with. she said that she couldn't be herself around me, she wanted to wear slinky clothes, go to clubs, she said she wanted another tatto and peircing, but couldn't becuase she knew i wasn't too keen, although if she had talked to me about it i would have let her. she said she had been smoking behind my back, and wanted someone who was fun and did things.i used to be a fun and happy guy, i slumped into depression over these rumours and her cryptic talks, i lost all my friends and i tried to be fun for her, going to cinemas, organising days out, meals etc. i just wanted to know who i was going out with, it looks like i only knew 50% of her. The most hurtful part was when she said she lied and had been in love before me. Before i had even asked her any questions about her past, she had told me i was her only love, the biggest lie of all. was i wrong to get so stressed and ill over her past, did i treat her badly? i wanted to believe her and hoped she was my perfect girl, i just wanted to know the truth from the rumours. it all became so big and messy. did i go about it badly, and acted like a crap b/f? or am i best out of it all, and acted like anybody else would?
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best friend, engaged, her past, lesbian Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (8 May 2007):
You managed to find one of those women who are absolutely impossible to get along with. They crave attention, and are addicted to the high of control and domination, yet are always unhappy.
What she needs is therapy, and lot's of it.
You probably didn't do anything wrong at all, except fail to be as schizophrenic as her. If you want to please her, you'd have to give up your sense of self, your self-worth, and your dreams of a happy, monogamous relationship leading to marriage, 2.5 children, and a home in the suburbs. Do you really want that?
Now, you could try and be the white knight and rescue her, but she's hardly the damsel in distress. Her problems may have been caused by external events, but she's built up a self-perpetuating history of events that will compel her to continue her lifestyle. As for her loving you, well - she doesn't apparently love you enough to change, and nothing you can do will change her. You can't love her enough to make her change herself. So don't try to change her. Love her, but be ready to let her go her own way.
And if she stays, and changes, and settles down... Then the two of you may have achieved a miracle.
A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Society is funny like that. Men are allowed to exploit woman's emotional needs, then turn around and call them 'sluts' for falling for THEIR game.
She clearly has been abused and trying to hide her shame for being so vunerable. Now she has a different set of issues. Now that she meets someone who seems to really like her, she thinks the isn't worthy because of others twisted opinions.
Please forgive her for not airing her dirty laundry. A past that painful should be handled carefully. True love isn't like that. You can be the one to protect her from it happening again if you can when people talk, be man enough to stand up for her.
So I suppose you are so perfect and a virgin? And why your not being persecuted why!? Is this really fair to judge her like this. If you love her, you gotta love her flaws and all. If you don't you will just magnify her broken state of mind.
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