A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello there,So I have been in a relationship for 9 years. We started out as friends with benefits and then when I got into trouble financially I moved in with him. He's nice and we get along...we would be great friends. I have occasionally tried to deepen the relationship but he has always felt that he does not deserve me. I don't think he's ever opened his heart really to me. He has suffered some setbacks over the years and currently is very depressed and anxious. He is very unhappy with his life and feels like he is in a hole that he could never get out of. I have finally convinced him to go to therapy though and I hope it will help him. Obviously since he is feeling so awful, our romantic relationship is a dumpster fire, but I want to help him out because he helped me so much 6 years ago. I don't hate him, and I am his friend and roommate. But as a life partner I am done. He...lies about everything from his anxiety and that hurts. He also could never include me in his decisions because he is always thinking I will leave him (due to anxiety). And we barely have sex anymore (once a month if I beg and it feels like I'm raping him) which leaves me sexually frustrated almost all the time.Now for the bad part. Over the years I have been with him, he and I have noticed how eerily similar I am to his brother. His brother and I like and have done an awful lot of the same things. At some point his brother noticed this too and I believe started crushing on me a bit. I didn't care for the brother, he is physically not my type. But when my boyfriend started feeling so awful, I called up the brother to see if he could help in any way. My boyfriend has isolated himself from everyone at this point and has no friends, and he is isolating from his family and me as well. His brother is the closest. Well, I got him to talk with his brother, and I think it helped my boyfriend. But when I talked to his brother we clicked so well it felt really, really good. So now I have a really bad crush on the brother, and from the stuff he's said he has a really bad crush on me. But I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. At some point, I will leave the boyfriend anyway. I don't think it is salavageable, I've been hurt too much by the lying. But damn do I want to get with his brother, his brother is so attentive and likes even little quirks I have, like the stupid impressions I do of people that most people groan at. He probably just wants in my pants though. I think it would crush my boyfriend in a way if his bro betrayed him like that..but he basically expects me to cheat on him because he feels so shit about himself. It is so awfully tempting. What do I do?? I want to see if I can help out my bf...without betraying him so badly. I am a poor hot mess myself and I have to get my crap together to disentangle myself from my boyfriend, and his brother is right there, within reach, while we are so unhappy. But I know it wouldn't, couldn't work out happily
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crush, depressed, friend with benefits, moved in, roommate, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 April 2017):
 You can do it OP
It won't be easy, but you CAN do it. And you NEED to do it. Not just for you, but for your BF as well.
Work on one thing at a time - if it takes a few months for you exit strategy to work, so be it. I'd probably start by telling the brother that you want to cut contact with him or that he needs to back off. Then go down the list of things you need to get done so you can leave.
One you have left, SEEK counseling, if you can. I think you also need to remember your own mental health in all this.
And TRY not to see it as an end, but a new beginning (yes, sounds corny - however, it's the truth.)
Good luck OP and keep us updated, come vent if need be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all to replied. I know I should stay away from the brother....he's just there and I'm so lonely. But it would hurt my bf bad and he just doesn't deserve that awfulness. And just because he thinks I'll cheat its no excuse. Thank you for that kick in the pants Honeypie, I did need someone to tell me that and I dare not tell anyone who I know in person about my feelings for the bro. I'll have to make new friends, maybe I can focus on that....It will be a couple months to get out of the relationship and I will have to find new homes for my farm animals, which will make me very sad but I know I can't do it with the bf anymore. I will do my best to stay the hell away from his bro and notify the family when I leave. But I'll have to plan my exit. I just feel depressed and so alone about everything.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 April 2017):
 Please don't go near his brother. I know you are suffering but so is your boyfriend. The best thing you can do for everyone is end this relationship, move out and start fresh some place else. Please stay away from the brother, this would just break your boyfriend and prove to himself that he is as worthless as he already feels. Don't ruin him completely now that he is getting help.
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A
male
reader, carbone +, writes (22 April 2017):
It happens. A good friend's first wife divorced him & a couple of year later hooked up with his brother, marrying him now for 16 years. My buddy seems not to have any resentments & is married to another
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2017):
You have tried to carry a relationship for 9 years ALL by yourself. Your Bf is seeking help now, and that is good but you BOTH have to face the fact that it has RUN its course.
You are staying out of guilt, pity and a sense of duty owed to a favor HE did you LONG ago.
Don't you think you have REPAID that favor a LONG time ago? If not, how long do you think it WILL take to repay it? And does it mean in order to REPAY this "debt" you have to be miserable? How is that logical?
I get that you feel you owe him, I do. However, you don't owe him your life and happiness.
You have tried to make it work. He is using a bit of manipulation with the whole "I'm not good enough for you, you will leave" for SO long, and it has been EFFECTIVE! Becuase you have spend YEARS trying to convince him that 1. he is worthy of love and 2. that he has been good enough for you - unfortunately, you have come to a point where you are REALIZING that YOU have been so busy paying off this "debt" you think you owe him, that you also have TOTALLY neglected your OWN needs over his. That isn't healthy.
As for the brother, be smart and don't go there. He is conveniently there but really WHAT kind of guy is willing to STAB his brother in the back so he can get with the girl? Eh, not a good idea and not a great guy. And of course, the brother seems like a GREAT guy compared to your BF as the brother isn't battling various issues.
And If you cheated on your BF with his brother you would also be sinking in a DRAGGER in his back just like the brother. The "he expects me to cheat so I might as well" is NOT rational. It's you trying to excuse an action that you KNOW is reprehensible. So is your BF's action of accusing you of cheating - but again - NO ONE is MAKING you stay. YOU have the choice to STICK to your own morals and standard and NOT cheat, but END it and walk away.
If you are still living with your BF, get your ducks in a row first. FIND a place to live that you CAN afford without help from ANYONE.
After you have found a place, start moving your stuff and THEN tell your BF that you can't continue with him any longer. Wish him well, encourage him to continue to seek treatment and then CUT the contact with BOTH of the brothers.
Then you take yourself a GOOD break from men and relationships. Work on yourself, find what makes YOU happy. I'd say take a year to sort yourself out. Why so long you might ask? Because you have ALLOWED yourself to be stuck in a relationship that made absolutely NONE of you happy, content or healthy. YOUR priority for that year should be YOU and no one else.
Being with someone because you feel sorry for them just doesn't work. He knows you aren't there because you LOVE all of him, and YOU know you aren't there for the same reasons. It's habit, familiarity and the "fear" of the unknown. (being single)
YOU only have one life - LIVE it. Don't just go through the motions and then later regret all the things you didn't or did do.
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