A
male
age
41-50,
*ostmyway781
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for over seven months now. We met over a dating site, but an amusing turn found that we shared a large group of mutual friends that lived near each of us. Everything had been going smoothly until sometime in the middle of last month.I knew her ex-boyfriend was in jail (and had been for 2 years so far) and didn't respresent much of any threat. Well .. that was until she found out his trial was coming up and it made her exceedingly emotional because she had known this guy for 13 years. Anyway, he was sentenced to an additional 3 - 5 years and despite her being upset, I figured that the issue was past us.Also .. please keep in mind that before this, not once in our relationship had she ever given me a reason to doubt her.Fast forward about a week. Some members of my extended family know my girlfriend's family as well as the family of her ex-boyfriend. A member of my family told me that she wasn't sure she should say anything, but she was certain she'd heard that my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend were still in contact. I approached her about the issue and asked her outright. I felt like we had enough trust and honesty between us that this issue could be squashed with a simple sit down. It wound up being dealt with and forgotten about... until about 3 days later.We were texting after she had gotten home from her second job at a pharmacy and out of nowhere she texted me the address for the prison her ex is locked up in. Obviously, alarms and red flags went up in my head, but I remained calm and asked her why she texted that to me. She said that she was texting both myself and her brother (who shares the same first name as me) and meant to text the address to him. Her reason, "My brother wants to know where the d*** bag is staying because he knows someone that works at the prison. They want to f*** with him."Something about that just didn't sit right, but I continued on with the conversation and let it slide. The weekend goes by busily as I looked for new work and my girlfriend went to a friend's baby shower and spent time with her family.Now .. we come to this past Tuesday where I met with her on her lunch break at her work. We got lunch and talked like we always do. I asked her if she was working her second job that night and she said, "No, I'm doing something with my mom. Something about sunscreen awareness and setting up a booth."I'm sure you can guess that MORE bells and alarms went off in my head, but I shrugged it off, looking forward to the date night we had set for Thursday. After lunch, I went home to do some work on my resume and do some writing. She texted me a few times when she got out of work and I told her to enjoy her night.During the next few hours, something about the combination of red flags didn't sit well with me, so I got my shoes on and took a drive toward the prison (which is about an hour away). My heart dropped when I pulled into the visitor's lot and saw her car there. And yes, I am positive it was her car. I have no questions about that.I took a picture of her car with my iPhone and left. Surprisingly I wasn't freaking out or driving like a nut. I was angry and in shock. Since I knew a bit about how serious of a situation it was with her being in contact with her ex again, I turned to her parents, whom I have a pretty good relationship with.I discussed my discovery with them and in exchange, I was given some horrific truths about the details that existed between my girlfriend and her ex. It sounded like one of the scariest emotionally/physically abusive relationships I've ever heard about.After talking to her parents, I asked them to let me confront her first, to which they allowed. Obviously, my girlfriend didn't take the news of being caught in her lie all that well. As I was hanging up with them, she called me and seemed her usual self. At least, until I dropped the information I had in her ear.I was honest with her about how I found out, even though she continues to accuse me of "following her." When I told her that I had discussed the situation with her parents, she freaked out, saying that her world was now upside down and that her parents would kick her out before she had the money to get an apartment.She blames me for upsetting her entire world now as a result. I know that I am responsible for involving her parents, but I can't accept the blame in this. What do I do now? She seems like she wants to work things out. I just don't know if I can trust her. Let me clarify though, I want to make this relationship work and I feel like she does as well. She's even talked about it with me briefly, but she won't answer my questions about why she went there in the first place. All she keeps saying is that she "needed to help a friend."
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (14 April 2013):
 You seem to be a rescuer. You can't 'save' her from this and if you do then when she is sorted she is likely to leave you. I'm not saying you should leave her just don't try and rescue her, it's unhealthy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): You say:I just see someone who doesn't quite understand the destruction she's causing to herself and those around her.Then help her understand! Let her take 'responsibility' for her actions, and don't bail her out. As i said from the outset she is a cheat (proven)(It sounded like one of the scariest emotionally/physically abusive relationships I've ever heard about) unless she has stockholm syndrome, which i very very much doubt. It so annoys me when women or men LIE about abuse, when there are real people out there that do live in genuin fear of their lives and silly little girls cry wolf to get sympathy.I can tell you now, any one who has REALLY experienced a relationship like the one above that you described, would not go anywhere near the abuser, especially VOLUNTARY and especially when they are SAFE AND HAPPY with their new partner. The only explanation you seem to deserve from her is, she needed to help a friend, so this so called LOYALTY was to her friend, what about her loyalty to you? all you deserve is her lies then.Its a total bullshit cover up story for a cheat, if you think you are the one to save her, I wish you luck.She is pulling you into a world you don't belong, she obviously does.Cheats are cheats, and when they get found out they LIE their way out. yOU SHOULD Learn to know the difference between VUNERABILITY and CHEATS.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): You're kidding yourself and at some point will be left hurt and alone by this woman.If she cared about you and your future together she wouldn't be sneaking around behind your back to visit her ex in prison! If she felt guilty about it, she wouldn't get angry at you for finding out or talking to her family about it, she'd be sorry.I'm afraid you're second best, but you'll do for now until her boyfriend comes out of prison.I know this sounds really harsh, but I've been through the same. My ex and I got together when she came out of an abusive relationship (mental, physical and sexual). Her parents hated the guy, as he'd abused their daughter and stopped her from having contact with them. She swore to me that she hated her ex and that she wanted nothing to do with him. A few months later she dumped me and moved back in with him. Things went back to how they had been and eventually they ended again. She came back to me and had the same story of how much she hated him. We tried again, but I was much more suspicious and kept track of things. We had a couple of rows about her contacting/flirting with him and each time, I was in the wrong for checking up on her. In the end we split again and she did the same to her next boyfriend too.There are red flags all over this relationship. She lies to you, is in touch with her ex and visits him in prison and then gets angry with you for confronting her. You won't be able to trust her, so why stick with her?
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A
male
reader, lostmyway781 +, writes (13 April 2013):
lostmyway781 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, she is suffering the consequences, believe me. Financially, familial, etc etc. I can walk away from this relationship and I will if I have to .. so don't get me wrong. I just see someone who doesn't quite understand the destruction she's causing to herself and those around her.
Do you give up on an addict after the first massive incident? Not usually. I'm willing to take the steps to repair this issue. If something makes me uneasy, she's well aware that I will walk away without a second thought.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): "I still can't choose to abandon her when I know she needs the positive reinforcement."
Oh I see, so you're basically just a bit codependent then OP.
You'd rather be a counsellor than a partner to her basically. In other words she gets a pass on bad behaviour because you think she's being manipulated by her ex? So nothing is her fault here then, you blame him.
She basically is going to get a full pass on this with zero consequences because you want to fix her and it must be her ex who is "saying the right things".
Well good luck then OP, enjoy your little project. You'll see how this kind of thing plays out, it's a long hard road.
For the record OP and with all due respect to her you make her sound like even less of a suitable partner to trust. Apparently it only takes a few choice words from her ex to do some bad stuff.
Apparently she's so broken that you'd rather sacrifice yourself to "fix" her than to ensure you have a healthy relationship. You sound codpendent or as others call it 'white knight syndrome".
She shouldn't get a pass on this otherwise what's to stop her continuing to do this? You really think you can "fix" her?
Best of luck OP.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (13 April 2013):
So from what you have said, she is with you but possibly if he wasn't in prison she would be with him. Your second best, which is ok but it's not great.
You want to make sure she is safe?! In what way is she not safe. If he is in prison for another few years even if she wants to get back with him she can't really. Safe from her parents? Safe from you?
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A
male
reader, lostmyway781 +, writes (13 April 2013):
lostmyway781 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a slightly skewed way of looking at cheating. I have been cheated on before in past relationships. It doesn't necessarily appear to be cheating (although, I won't rule out emotional cheating). My main concern in this is to make sure that she's safe. Whether or not you have to let someone sink, even if you love them, I still can't choose to abandon her when I know she needs the positive reinforcement. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that she's cognizant that this behavior is horrible. She knew even before she did it. Yes, she lied to me, but I'm of the mind that her ex must be saying just the right things she wants to hear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): You can't trust her OP because she can't trust herself to do what's right for herself, her parents or you. You cannot have a good healthy relationship with a woman like that.
I mean if her parents are going to be like that about it, then why would she risk that?
If he was such an abusive asshole then why is she still so hooked to him?
If she loved you in any way then why is she still seeing her ex behind your back?
Does that prison allow conjugal visits?
"Needed to help a friend" could be anything ranging from being his emotional support (not good) to sticking a bag of heroin up her arse and passing it on.
Now can be sure of in your mind and vouch for this lady all you want but all of those things are possibilities. They really are and frankly OP to me it sounds like the only reason she's with you at all is because he's in jail, if he wasn't then she'd probably be with him.
You can't trust her, her parents can't trust her, she can't trust herself either. She's weak OP, or she's utterly shady. She's been lying through her teeth, getting with an ex behind your back and you know why she has OP, I don't see why think it's anything other than her still wanting to be with him. Otherwise why do all this? Why risk it all for him when he supposedly so abusive?
Look this will be easy for you (if you're not as much of a fool as she is) because she's not going to tell the truth and you know it. She's taking her time now trying to find a way out of this. It would have been very easy for her to tell you why if it was something innocent, she wouldn't have had to go behind anyone's back if it was but she didn't, she lied, she hid it, she risked her quality of life for this guy and you don't do something like that without a very profound reason.
What you have here is a woman who is willing to destroy her life just so she can go see her ex in prison. OP do I really need to spell out to you what that means? Do I really need to explain her motives? You're a big boy OP you know exactly why she did that.
The question is are you that much of a sap you're going to continue fighting for a woman like that? A woman proven untrustworthy in the extreme and a woman who put an abusive ex, in prison, over you and even her own family?
You're going to have one hell of a time dealing with this woman if you decide to stay, you're in for a long tough road of horrible bullshit before you finally have no other choice but to give up. You've finally seen the real her OP, you cannot trust a woman who would do something like this. You can try all you like but she will just become more sneaky.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): I understand what you are going through, I went through it too, please do not believe her. MY EX got beat too by him, she ended going back to him, she didnt care how good I treated her, some women, are beat so far down they, only love the beater, good luck to the both of us
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): You can't trust her (already proven) great how you get the blame! what a waste of space, dump the cheat or be a fool that fills his boots and when he's out she dumps you. Get out now and remember NOT to take an ounce of blame for a cheat (full stop)
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