A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I married my now husband after 8 years of dating. We didnt live together first. So its been a year now and I feel trapped that i've married the wrong guy. I knew all about him before we married but only since we started living together did i realise how much different things we want out life - he adventurous, within past few years has got travelbug and loves travelling the world, tries anything and loves watersports etc. He also enjoys drinking. Im just a normal average girl (maybe boring) who works hard, enjoys going to cinema, walking, shopping etc and live for my family. Only recently we went on a sun holiday and he was bored to tears. He'd far rather be skiing and whilst i tried it once, i much prefer a sun holiday. He's already been on 2 hols this year without me. Of course he wanted to do watersports on our sun holiday but I have a fear of water so didnt want to try these activities with him. You probably say there has to be compromise but we honestly cant seem to reach a compromise. He loves to get drunk and i only take a few drunks. I now dont want to be social as for him it always has to involve drink. Just feel so lost that i love him so much but i know he has a better time spending it with people other than his wife and its quite obvious. And i keep thinking maybe we are just too different for a lifetime together. Also feel totally stupid that i've only realised all this now im married :o(
View related questions:
drunk, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 March 2012):
 "I married my now husband after 8 years of dating"... I'm sorry to be rude, but what were you and your husband doing for 8 years? How come you never noticed these things about him? Being adventurous, liking to drink, them kind of things are hard to miss. Did he just stay at home for 8 years and not go anywhere or do anything exciting?
Anyway, it's done now. You love him and he loves you and you guys are married. Liking different holidays are not a reason to get a divorce. There are 365 days of the year, he can't be spending all of them skiing and trying to break his neck, and you can't be spending all year sitting on the beach.
You say you can't compromise, why not, why can't you two spend 1 week out of the whole year trying to please your partner? I'm sure he comes shopping and watches movies sometimes, so why can't you spend one week trying some of the things that he enjoys. It doesn't have to be extra wild and crazy, how about getting on a motorbike or a horse if you can't do the skiing thing. I'm sure he can think of something that might challenge you but is relatively safe for you to do. Likewise, he can spend a week sitting on his ass and relaxing himself while looking at you and drinking orange juice instead of beer. That doesn't seem a lot to ask of either of you. How about you find something intresting he might like and book a holiday there, he then can find a restfull spot to take you.
Marriage needs compromise. If you dump this guy and go get another one, he may like the things you like, but then he might get out chains and whips in bed. If you pick a man exactly like you then you'll be living with yourself, and that can get very boring after a while and you'll find yourself longing for something exciting.
Why can't you guys do some of the stuff you did for 8 years? It was nice enough to get you both to exchange wedding rings. Then sometimes you do stuff to please each other, and sometimes he goes his way to go adventuring, and you go your way to be quiet and catch up on family life. A little bit of everything gives you both restful peaceful times, times when your alone or with other people, and times when your together pushing yourself to the limit and making some wild memories to tell your grandchildren. I think you guys got a lot of the elements needed for a damn fine marriage.
I really can't see the problem here, because it basically seems that it's you who doesn't want to compromise, you don't want to be scared, you don't want to try anything new, you just want to be "normal" (whatever that is) and keep yourself totally safe at home, living day in day out with what you already know. Many people try that, then find out that their partner's get to middle age, wonder what they've done with their life and run away from home, or go and try to be young again and "find themselves". Life is not safe, and normal is nice, but 365 days for the rest of your life.... well.......
Why can't you give the guy 7 days a year out of your life? I call that win/win, lose/lose, and it's probably a whole lot safer than getting divorced. If you can be with a guy for 8 years and still not know him, are you going to spend another 8 years with another guy and not know them either?
Marriage is all about finding compromises and solutions and trying to make both of you somewhat happy and contended. Walking out of a marriage because you have different tastes in holidays isn't sensible. If the drink is the issue, then make a rule, when your out together no getting drunk, if he wants to get drunk then he needs to go find some drinking buddies, and them is the times when you two will be apart.
Talk to him about the drinking. Don't get upset, he is not you, he likes to enjoy himself differently. But you can tell him it's not fair to expect you to hang around a drunk guy every time you go out. If he likes to get drunk on holidays, then again, he goes his way and you go yours.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (6 March 2012):
 After reading your question, I have to say that you are experiencing about what is normal in an 8-year-old relationship -- and almost an early mid-life crisis.
Let's face it, the longer we stay with our significant others, the more changes we are going to see them go through. At their core, they usually stay the same, but as time goes on, each person will find new hobbies, new ways of going about life and ways of expressing themselves. That is the human maturation process. Think back 10 - 15 years ago -- you aren't the same person as you were back then, but at your core, you are. Very rarely does a couple grow together and have the exact same interests and hobbies throughout their relationship.
At this point, I would urge you not to panic. Take a moment and write down all the things that you do share in common with your husband. Something has had to hold you together for 8 years -- there must be something there from that initial attraction. With some self-reflection, I am confident that you can find at least a few things that you love and share with your husband. Be honest and open with yourself.
There no are guarantees in life. We all sacrifice some things when we decide to share our lives with someone else. The question is -- and only YOU can answer it is -- is your husband the "one" you want to make that investment in? I think once you get over the fear and realization of the awesome commitment you've made, and you've made your list, you'll realize you have a lot to be thankful for. Many women would probably be very envious of your relationship.
If you continue to feel the way you are, I'd urge you to seek help from a therapist or other trusted friend. Sometimes having someone to help you sort out your fears and anxieties can help you put things in perspective.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, BDW  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 If you love him, then you talk to him and figure it out. There is always a compromise if you love someone. Maybe I'm just a romantic, but if you truly love someone you compromise. It goes both ways as well. Maybe one holiday you do what he wants to do, the next holiday you choose. And drinking, I have a finace that likes to drink, I drink sprite...Someone has to be responsible. That's ok! Hope this helps, but you're both obviously young. Take it slow, don't read into things too much, talk, talk, and talk about what you want...That's key. If it doesn't work then. Then you know...
...............................
|
