A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanks So my gf and I have been together 2 years. The 1st year she lived with her ex. Her reason was she needed to be there for her exes daughter. She helped raise her. So I was understanding as much as 1 can be but a bit skeptical as well. She did eventually move out but still very much involved with her exes life. I don't care if its about the child but its the involvement with her ex. She knows exactly who's shes dating how it ends and every new gf. I have mentioned it before like why are we discussing your exes business? She changes the topic but eventually gets back to her ex as a topic. She has even mentioned she was jealous of how her ex treats his new woman. I feel there is alot of feelings still stirring got her but she denys it. What are you opinions? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021): P.S.
For those who think I'm cold-hearted, that isn't the case. I don't expect her to just turn her back, and forget the child exists; but you mentioned many details that indicate she still has feelings for "him!" The fact she lived with him, while you were dating?!! That had me scratching my head to start with! You walked into this situation with full knowledge of what's going-on; so you shouldn't be making any big demands after the fact. Be considerate of the child at all costs. If their relationship (her and the daughter) isn't as close as she pretends, you'll know. Especially, if the kid is 12, or older. They can speak for themselves.
I centered my response to your post based on these comments:
"She knows exactly who's shes [he's] dating how it ends and every new gf. I have mentioned it before like why are we discussing your exes business? She changes the topic but eventually gets back to her ex as a topic."
"She has even mentioned she was jealous of how her ex treats his new woman."
I am close-friends with people who are friends with their exes; but the boundaries are clear, and they don't give a hoot whom their ex is boinking. My personal-choice not to date someone too chummy with their ex is my preemptive measure to keep their ex's nose out of my business; to avoid misunderstandings, not to feel need to compete for loyalties, and because I just won't open the door to unnecessary drama. If you run to your ex/friend every-time we have a disagreement, or to discuss our private business; that's a betrayal. We should be on equal-footing, all our friends are just friends; with no intimate ties, or emotional obligations. (Biological co-parents are the exception to the rule.) Platonic-friends aren't people we used to sleep with. There are no soul-ties.
Intimacy is a different kind of history; and many post-breakup friendships run deeper than just being friends. Knowing how protective I can be over my friends; I wouldn't want to put a well-meaning ex in the position to feel they have to intervene on my mate's behalf during our relationship-problems. If you could do it better, you wouldn't be an ex!!! That's just how I roll.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2021): Your girlfriend has a built-in legitimate excuse to remain present in her ex's business. His daughter. How can you argue with that? How selfish you'd appear, if you came right-out and suggested you need her to cut ties with her ex? She'll just claim that means she'll need to abandon his daughter. How convenient!
Well, she seems to keep track of everything he's doing and whom he's with. I'd say she's a bit distracted. If other women are in his life, while she's not; it's going to be someone else assuming the role of the child's stepmom someday. I tell you what, those women are going to get tired of her hovering over their man; and if you don't reel her in, one of those new girlfriends WILL tell her when it's time to see her way out. Then what?
If she continuously mentions the details of his personal-life, which is none of her business; that's a sign she's still emotionally-attached. If she has mentioned she's jealous of how he treats the other women, that's self-incriminating evidence she's too busy evaluating his love-life to be focused on his daughter.
You didn't mention if he was a single-parent with sole-custody of his daughter; or if the child's biological-mother is in her life. Assuming her mother is in her life; I think the child would eventually adjust to your girlfriend's absence. She can keep in-touch, visit from time to time; and with his permission, they can even spend time together away from her ex.
If the child's mother isn't in her life, and she's being raised by her dad; it's safe to assume she has adjusted to not having her biological-mother in the picture. Children do just fine in one-parent households; and dad's can raise daughters on their own. When my mother passed-away, my dad did an excellent job with my sisters. He only temporarily needed a nanny for my baby-brother; who was only two when mom passed-away with cancer. Otherwise, dad did the big job on his own. As can her ex! The child probably has grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Your girlfriend's presence is just for "his" convenience...and her slick way of staying close to him.
Here's something people do when they can't let-go of their ex. They'll go find someone as a stand-in; to keep them company, while they wait-out their exes through their various post-breakup relationships. They pretend to be friends, but they're just waiting. They are in a state of prolonged vigilance over their ex's love-life. Their very presence is often a wedge between their exes and any love-interests that come-along. She's loyal, someone he can depend on; and she's always on his side when he has disagreements with his other girlfriends. She's loyal and available to the end. She intends to cash-in on this investment at some point. She exploits the child's attachment to her; because it strengthens her argument to remain in her life. She'll use the child's feelings to keep everyone at bay. Afraid to cross that line.
She obsesses over who he's seeing and how they get along; fearing who will come along and finally take his heart completely. There will be one particular woman who will decide her services and presence is no longer required. There will be drama. He will be forced to choose. That's where you come-in. When all hope in getting him back is lost. When a lady comes along who makes it abundantly clear to her; you've got a man, go mind your own business. Meanwhile, she has love on-hand and on-hold. A safety-net. You'll do in a pinch, and at lease she's not alone.
Her heart is still with him, and that child is her excuse to stay in his business.
You'll have to ween her off that relationship; by removing all excuses. If she wants to see the child, she can get her father's permission to spend time with her; but not with him present. I'm sure he trusts her enough to take the kid out from time to time. If she has to spend time at his home, that's only to be around him; and to make other women see she's still in his life. Her presence makes all the other women in his life insecure. Wondering if there isn't something still going-on?
If he needs help, he can hire a sitter, a nanny, or ask a family-member.
Personally, I wouldn't date anyone who remains close-friends with exes. If they are too much in each-others lives, I see my way out. Not due to insecurity or jealousy; but because I don't like drama, competing with people, or silly games. I don't have time for suspicion or nonsense. Back in the day, when I was in the dating world; if you were friends with your ex, that was a deal-breaker. No exes, no drama. I have no use for my exes in my life, they are exes for a reason. If our paths cross, I'm cordial and polite. I'll keep stepping, as should they!
If exes are a wedge, or pose a hindrance in the progress of your current relationship; your options are open. You can deal with the mess, or you can go find a relationship without the presence of exes; who seem to have too much influence over the emotions of someone you're attempting to connect with romantically. If it's difficult for them to choose, and they can't move on; that's because they've already made a choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 November 2021):
 My opinion?
She isn't over the ex. She wants to keep him in her life and perhaps also his daughter but mainly him.
Sounds like you are plan B, OP
If her ex would ask her back she would go back, I think.
Someone who talks A LOT about an ex with a new partner is not fully invested in the new one and hasn't put the ex in the "past".
If you have told her more than once that you don't want to discuss her ex and she STILL keeps circling back to this guy as a talking topic, maybe you need to consider if she is someone you really want to be with. She sounds WAY too involved in this man's life.
She can deny her feelings until the cows come home but really if she was indifferent would she talk about him at all outside of talking about his daughter? I don't think so.
This would be a deal-breaker for me. I dated a guy who could have these long "monologues" about his exes, compare me to them, point out things they did that was oh so bad or oh so good. It was weird. Turned out he was still seeing 2 of his exes... yeah, not a great guy.
Not saying SHE is cheating with him, but she needs to put him and stories about him in the past and IF she wants to discuss how jealous she feels of his new GF she should do that with a female friend, not you.
There are a billion other subjects you two can talk about other than her ex. Why would you give a flying fart about her ex and stories about him?
I think it's pretty immature and self-centered of her.
You are not her therapist. If you decide to stay I'd let her know that you are don't hearing about the ex. You don't want 3 people in the relationship. Or try for a week to talk incessantly about an ex. Then see what happens. Yes, it's a tit for tat but she might not even be aware of just how much she brings him up.
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