A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts,Both my partner and i have been speaking a lot about marriage and having kids. I'm ready for both but he is not. He is still living at home with his parents and brother. They have a 3 bedroom house. He has asked me who I would feel about moving in with them. I told him I could do it, but realistically it couldnt be long term as I want kids and there is no space. His mum is adamant that he buys a house now. In fact she has been saying this to him even before we met. But he cant afford to. He was previously working in a good role but since the pandemic he is earning less than a graduate.Cos of his job situation he wont get married yet either.I know how much he earns but he doesnt know how much I earn. His salary is only 30% of what I earn. For him to earn more than me could take years. My brother told me that for a guy it's a huge thing when a woman earns more. Also if I want kids asap, once I'm on maternity pay I will be earning peanuts too.Our relationship is rocky, and the marriage question on my side has been ongoing for nearly 2 years. Also I'm 4 years older than him so my biological is ticking.Is it right not to stand by a man in this situation?I know he would not be able to financially support me. My brother told me to stop making excuses for my partner and I need to be selfish. My brother knows I cany compromise having kids.My partner had been stalling the marriage question even when he was earning well even though at that time it was still less than me. It was 2/3 of my salary. He has gone back a step.He keeps asking for time. Eveytime I know ask him he says give me a few weeks to think. In our last conversation about it he said he would quick his job so he can have time to look for a new one. I dont see how that's going to help.I'm a professional and he is working in admin at a car showroom. I feel I cant step up in my career anymore cos that will just mean he has another reason to say not ready. Any ideas? I dont want to not stand by a man cos of how much he earns. Equally I know he wont be able to provide for me for a good few years. I will be near 40 then!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2021):
 You write:
" I don't want to not stand by a man cos of how much he earns."
But you WHOLE post points out just how little he earns in relationship to you. How he CAN'T provide for you for years.
Why should he? You earn a lot more than him (or so you claim). Why haven't YOU saved up for a home of your own?
Why don't YOU have savings for when you need to take maternity leave?
If he still lives with his parents he obviously isn't REALLY ready to be a independent individual. Which might be why he isn't wanting to marry you, anytime soon.
He wants YOU to move in with his parents? YOU ARE in your 30's!!! Why can't HE move in with you? I presume you have a place of your own?
This makes no sense! WHY would two GROWN ASS adults live with HIS parents?! (unless this is for cultural reasons) it's just strange!
You are ignoring that HE doesn't want marriage. That is why he is stringing you along, he KNOWS you have higher expectations of him. He HAS higher expectations of himself too.
"I feel I cant step up in my career anymore cos that will just mean he has another reason to say not ready."
NO!! Why should you HOLD yourself back because HE is making less?! Again, it makes NO sense!
If you want marriage soon, HE is not the one for you.
If you want kids soon, HE is not the one for you.
You have known this for a while but you hope there is a magic trick to "poof" make him want to marry you. There isn't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2021): I really hate to tell you this but break up.He is not ready and will never be ready until he moved out of mommy's house and lives on his own and is fully responsible for his self for a few years at least.To be a father get a man.He is just a boy who lives with mommy and daddy.I bet he has lots of debt too....Did you even check that???When couples marry his debt becomes yours in some states.You will hate living with his parents...their house their rules.Do not have children with this man unless you can pay rent or mortgage and support the child yourself because he chooses not to better himself to make more money.Even if you do get your own place be prepared to do everything because he never had to do anything because mommy does it for him now.Honest to God I think if your clock is ticking you would be better off living on your own and going to a sperm bank.Never ever live with in laws....It never works out.This man is still a boy.....Let his mommy deal with it.And please if you cannot afford even to house yourself you cannot afford children.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (22 February 2021):
 I am interested in what kind of professional you are and what your salary actually is. Your grammar is very poor. From your message it sounds like you look down on him as a man. Am I right? How much a person earns doesn't really matter if they are actually working hard to gain more experience and a higher salary.
You are driven by money, marriage and children. It is clear as day that he isn't the right guy for you to have children. If he was then both of you would be on the same page.
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